I sabotaged
my ability to love
with my inability to love.
It's as simple
as that.

Spending Friday night
staring into the icy
heart of the bottle

6:37 PM
29/8/20

It's been a while
since I felt this good but how
long will it last for?

4:22 PM
25/8/20

Rather feel boozed
Than anything else
Rather feel used
Than love itself  
Rather be hopeless
Than to be insincere
Rather be hazed
Than to see things clear
Rather dissappear
Than to be right here

I can't decide if
I want to fall asleep or
gently pass away

11:16 PM
16/8/20

I am not
for everyone.
I am not
for this life.
I am not even for myself
on most days.

The warmth wind that rushes past my skin
The faint smell of rain that clouds the air
Bringing back tumbling rolls of emotion that had once been
The wind chimes that clank each other in the distance somewhere

The sky above carefully trickles water
Almost as if the sea of blue was crying
Blue, maybe it was sad and couldn’t be stronger
Or strong enough to keep on trying

Trying to withhold all of the awful memories
That been stored in its clouds, slowing turning into a summer storm
when the summer heat had clawed open the treachery
The trickle of the rain had become a pouring storm

Soaking every bit of happiness with the sadness in its heart
Everyday people would point at the world above them and admire
The beauty it was, but they could never tell that it was being torn apart
Yes it was beautiful but it was a beautiful disaster, engulfed in the fire

That had been lit by the “treasure” it held inside
The treasure that was poisoned and gold
There had once been jewels but they had all died
The moment somebody had told

There secret to the world, the secret that would only let them be free
Once the water had make contact with my glistening skin
It was soon dulled and all the familiar senses filled me
The water had grabbed a hold of my mind and pulled it a little too thin

Leaving only the harmful metal
Soon turning into rust
The brown colors matching the dirt and pebbles
The metal rotting away only reminding me of the past

The treacherous moments that had caused the storm in the first place
The person in these horrible memories had been drowned in the roaring waters
Like an assassin killing all the joy in my life without a single trace
It had been a ******, a slaughter

The clouds could only continue to let out strangled noises
The lighting flashing like cries for help
Only after their whimpers can they share their voices
The ground below them turning into a sea
A dark scary ocean that shares the same color as the sky
Sadness has overcome both of them leaving nothing to be
Except for those who had learned to fly

They soar across the sky
Dodging the poisonous water hearing the calls
The only question on their mind being why

Why had nobody heard their desperate callings
Why was the downpour happening

The only thing they hoped for was a rainbow in the morning
The calm after the damaging

Where does it end?
Where does it begin?
Is there a start at all?
Or has it just always been?

The cycle starts again.

Feels like I’ve been in this place before,
On the ground crawling on all fours.
Another lap around this body,
Swallowing the serpents tail.
It hisses just behind me,
Covering every track I make,
When my eyes turn to see the trail,
It’ll be consumed by the snake.

My own ouroboros.

Muscles expand and contract,
Pulling me further in.
I feel myself dissolving,
The future is the past again.

**** the lights,
Take my eyes,
I don’t want to see,
The repeat of me.

My own ouroboros.