Bleh.
All this I feel is pain.
All I want to do is ****.
This pain turns to anger.
Anger which then turns to hate.
All back to the beginning.
A continuous cycle.
Never stopping

i am the rotting flesh wrapped around a cherry stone

you deserve better.
better than my careless, random, probing texts.
better than the pain you've felt.
i deserve better.
better than your dry, annoyed texts.
better than the emptiness you left me with.

remember when we were together? 9 long months.
i was 14, a child really. you were 17. we didn't mind.
it was after my incident, i was still healing. but you,
you affected me deeply. we didn't start slow, no, we dived in,
holding our breath, because we needed each other.

remember when we kissed for the first time? 3 days after we met.
it was past midnight, we were out exploring.
i stuck my body through the sun roof and i smiled so much it hurt in the best way.
we came back to your house, no one was home. and i looked at you,
and you laughed. then your mouth was on mine and we lay there,
hours, kissing with a passion i craved.

remember my first flashback? 2 months in.
we were in bed, cuddling with no one home. we were content.
my therapist warned me, anything could happen. i didn't even think,
and it was only your hand on my hip, pulling me tight,
and i froze like a cold hand gripped my heart.
you held me loosely while i cried, a pain i didn't know i had,
a pain i didn't know needed to be let out.

remember your truck? 3 months between us.
how the stars were amazing, so we went "exploring," we thought we were clever. we went up a mountain, holding hands while you drove.
when we parked, we climbed into the bed of the truck with blankets.
we laughed and talked and thought,
this is forever. at least i did.

remember our first sleepover? our parents gave in after 4 months.
we stayed at your house, when your mom was gone. i was naive,
yet you didn't mind. the hot tub was perfect, the wine we stole
from the hidden cupboard just right for the moment. we showered together, then climbed into bed. we learned a lot,
that warm, luxurious night.

remember my birthday? 5 months after our kiss.
there was a bad fire at home, lots of evacuations, lots of smoke and fear.
we left and went to the city to get away. we stayed together,
you and me, by ourselves. you made me special that day. you,
it was you that my world revolved around, you, you that i never wanted to leave. my birthday is one of my favorite days
of you and me.

remember when i had to go back to court? 8 months, almost done.
the day i found out, you  came and picked me up. i cried.
you didn't know how to help. you held my hand. i was
helpless, ruined, depressed. we stayed together all night,
and you held me with a nervous expression on your face,
it was one of the worst memories.

9 months.
you and me.
i love you.
you loved me.
you left me
before court
on my own

betrayed.
i loved you.

I see your face when coming undone
And it’s only a distant memory
When I remember to forget you, I wonder
   did you forget to remember me?
I answer my own questions because
you’re not here to do so,
but my answers aren’t uplifting, they only
keep me down and feeling low.
When you’re working, eating, sleeping,
   I’m working, eating, dreaming
of the day, the instance, the moment
when two clicks sound of two brains connecting,
so when silence engulfs, I’m not predicting
my future without your decrepit words
I cremated in the bones of ineffable warmth.
   I wanted different things for us
and you wanted different things for you
I’m trying to figure out who gets what they want,
because I certainly never do.

Foot hits the pavement
Alleviating impatience
Lighter than a feather
To better cushion the jaded

Stomping through the cemetery
The behemoth breaks his back
Stumbling over tombstones
Seemingly jagged in every crack

A man, half a monster,
Half a mouse, mostly bleeding
Drowning in the oxygen bank
Indian given breathing

When the rabbits loose their roots
Aside trees what speak and breathe
The kings are parted out
While the beasts break even clean

I am deep inside this dreamland,
Where flowers always grow.
And caterpillars talk to me,
And cards stand up in rows.
I never want to wake up,
And I never want to go.
But in this dream I fear I must,
I do believe I'll miss it though...

I have been thinking a lot,
And one starts to wonder
if it's all in my head
Or it's all torn asunder.