all numb
as if the skin forgot it was mine
as though the breath forgot it was borrowed
as though the hands forgot they used to reach for something
even if it was just the edge of a table
the corner of a thought
the warmth of a name I used to say without flinching
I sat in the car for hours once
engine off, keys in lap
watching the condensation on the windshield
pretending it was rain
pretending it was movement
pretending it was anything but me
I remember the way my voice used to sound
before I started hearing it through cotton
before I started answering with silence
before I started forgetting what I was supposed to feel
when she said “I love you”
and I said “okay”
there was a time I could cry
not perform it, not squeeze it out as toothpaste
but really cry
the kind that made my ribs ache
and made me feel I was being wrung out
as though a shirt soaked in grief
but now
I just blink
and wait for the feeling to arrive
as though a late train
as though a friend who said they’d come
but didn’t
I tried to write a letter once
to myself
to the version of me that still believed in things
such as healing
forgiveness
and the possibility of being understood
but the pen felt heavy
and the paper looked too clean
and I didn’t want to ruin it with my half-formed apologies
It felt
as if I had something to push against your chaos
now it’s just
static
white noise
a room full of pillows
soft, suffocating
quiet
I keep saying I’m fine
because it’s easier than explaining
that I’m not sad
not angry
not broken
just
all numb
and I don’t know if that’s better
or worse
or simply
what I’ve become

I fantasize about rejecting apologies from you.

Apologies that I know will never come.

Apologies that I know you do not have the capacity to even feign.

It's that Friday The 13th kind of thing,
When every thing's so good,
You just know something is gonna stab through.

I didn't want to make you feel this way,
I wasn't ignoring you.
It just took me a second to respond.

You will always be number one,
I understand my fault here,
Keeping my phone on ringer,
So I never take more than three minutes to answer you.

I can't be everything,
I can't be major general Truth,
So I'm sorry I destroyed it,
I'm sorry I turned my back on the people who read me through,
I think I would disappoint,
The people who inspired me,
If they saw the spires burning,
With the match laying in my hand.

I apologize to those who were wrongly laid to rest,
To any graves where blood is still wet.
I respect those who survived,
Even in the face of adversity.

I slipped—
not because I stopped feeling
but because I felt
too much.

And in that spiral,
I found the old part of me again—
the one that mistrusts beauty,
that scans every gift
for a blade.

You called it out.
You saw it happen.
You stayed.

Because in this crazy world,
it’s easier to believe
I’m a terrible person
than it is to believe
someone wonderful
could simply love me.

No performance.
No punishment.
Just presence.

So I flinched.
I questioned.
I compared myself
to the ghosts I imagined.

But it wasn’t you
I doubted.
It was the possibility
of being wanted
without a warning label.

You didn’t do anything wrong.
You were just being
you.

And I let my fear
speak louder than your truth.

I’m not asking to be forgiven.
I’m asking to be understood.
To be seen as someone
still learning
how to hold what’s good
without crushing it.

You were never the threat.

You were the offering.

holding little sewing pins
to flag and label
the delicate nerves
of reminiscence
and the friable folds
of understanding
we always stand here
put on spot
to answer, to name
what is laid before us
all its pieces and parts
and we always struggle
searching other eyes
to find a sense of comfort
that no one here
feels entirely sure
of how to go about it

Apologies,
Just words,
Words anyone could say.
Did you really mean it?
You say you did,
but why did you do it again?

Please don't say sorry,
While pretending to feel regret.
Thinking after just one word,
Everything will be fine,
That three simple words,
Will change how I see you now.

But I can't.

How are words supposed to erase
The pain, tears, and scars,
already made?