man seeking woman. man seeking what never was. man seeking a face he recognized in the crowd.

i was him. you were reaching out and i flinched. you offered, you vivisected yourself to prove devotion and bled—you didn't understand why i was bandaging and not climbing into your open heart. the crowd dispersed from the pews and i learned to love in bloodletting. we were bleeding for three years, taking our turns to patch and open wounds.

anemic on idolatry, we bled on the altar we built. sacrificial lambs unto ourselves—at some point the ritual is more important than the outcome. you always tell me you're dying for my sins but i always seem to end up on the cross.

man seeking the belief. man seeking the almost. man seeking the stability of a wound that never heals. man seeking what could've been, man seeking to reach out and grab hold and find warmth in skin instead of sacrifice.

my sick pallor face
fatigue ******* my steps
I shuffle along

Marcuse! Marcuse! Where the **** are you?
He moved to California and all he could do was argue.
Instead of gratitude through platitudes and assimilation,
He sought to change the west with his social trepidation.
A change is coming, from West to East
As society embraces that Germans beast.
"You're a ****** if I say so, an idiot racist with a scapegoat."
The only fun he ever had was raging in his raincoat.
The man was ungrateful and stole our academia.
Now all schools teach is his prepackaged mass anemia.
Purging true thought, cursing the whole lot while he's at it.
Burning loose crops, as each kids churning an addict.
Marcuse! Marcuse! where the **** are you?
Marcuse! Marcuse! How the **** could you?

I feel like I can't get myself back to my normal state.
I come so close, and then get dragged back down.
I'm trying to fight, but I'm losing the battle.
It pulls at me relentlessly, and I can't stop it.
I try to do things that I want to do, but have to rest.
My energy keeps seeping away, after I start to use it.
I love to sing, but it tires me out so easily as of late.
I need to go to school, but it keeps sending me home.
I want to be with my boyfriend, but keep needing to rest.
I'm trying so hard to get back to normal, but I can't.
Why is it so hard to be awake and able to concentrate?
Why do I have to keep going back and forth all the time?
Why do I need to repeat myself to doctors and teachers?
I've been going through this for about three weeks now!
I don't mean to yell, but I just want it to go away.
I need to work on English, but I'm starting to shut down.
I hate feeling like I don't have the energy to get stuff done.
It feels like I may never be able to escape from this Anemia.
Even though, it may be a chronic illness, I still need relief.
All I ask for is some time to feel like my normal self again.
I just want to be able to sing, practice Korean, and do school.
I want to go back to my music lessons, and full school days.
I hate having to confine myself to half days because of this.
It's taking so much effort not to ask to go to the hospital.
I don't know what good that would do, but I hate this.
I just want to know why I keep feeling this way all the time.
I need to find a way out of this fog, and back into normalcy.
Sorry for ranting, but I just needed to get everything out.
It makes me feel better, but now I'm feeling tired once again.
I guess it's time for me to stop and rest for a little while.
But I need to get going with my English work before I can.
This is going to be another rough day, and I need to push.
I'll go now, but before I do, I just have one more thing to say.
If anyone else feels the way I do right now, you're not alone.
I don't know when, but things will change for the better.
And when it does, it will make you feel so much better :)

How did I ever got this?
Is this the price of giving so much time for you?
I never imagined I could be sick of this.
I have lived my life healthy
But then it came
I lost an amount of it
I lost a lot of amount of it
I lost an amount of blood
Ohh that's why I'm getting dizzy easily
And now living life so badly
Can't imagine this happened because of sleepless nights
Can't imagine this happened because of you
Now, I lost myself because of you
Got ANEMIA as a result
Wishing to wake up with amnesia