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Kagey Sage Jun 2018
I need to ward off this feeling that I must analyze our break and my current state from every angle.

This is the third song, poem, or essay today. I need to get it all out now. Then, I’ll live and discuss other things. It’s the only way. I’m ripped away from hope and confidence. I should have celebrated life all week, being free from work for a bit. Instead, I lament my loneliness. For once in my life, I’m afraid you’re starting to canoodle with other guys. A fear I thought I shed in the aftermath when the last girl said goodbye. And honestly, I just thought I didn’t love you as much as her. I was afraid to really admit it, cause I thought, maybe I was just too crazy last time, and, as a more mature man, I did not need to be that paranoid worshipper I was before. I drove her away with clingy devotion, I know now. And that’s not a compliment to myself. I lose myself in these relationships, or so the girls say. “Where are your friends, your hobbies that you define yourself with?” Looking back, I think it’s all a lie. Maybe I search for relationships so I can be the lazy bonobo I truly want to be. Someone to stay home nearly every night with, eat bad food, watch T.V., sleep, and make love; I’m some faux intellectual artist just to reel you in. Then, I trick you into thinking you trapped me and stripped me of some potential greatness. Can’t I just be similar to you? Can’t my talk still define me somewhat? My hopes, my sometimes fulfilled ambitions of writing and playing instruments, I’m not where I say I wanna be. But maybe I need to aim for hopeless heights just to reach modest plateaus, still slowly climbing up the sky. Here I am, pouring concentrated effort into creative acts after years of comparable lull, and I won’t be happy with any of them until I look back from future comfort. I’ll be showing some girl under my arm this piece inbetween TV season binges. Now, doing what I define myself with most, I’m more miserable than I’ve been in months. Can’t help but believe all my art attempts ****. Yet, what’s really lacking in my life isn’t a confident talent, it’s a strong companion. Romantic or otherwise,

I pushed them away. Now, I’m too old and the world’s too odd for me to easily find another one.

Yet, when I do again get to that exciting stage of first dates, will I continue my artist rouse that soon concedes to comfort laze, or will I find someone who portrays a fellow adventure seeker? Seeming or genuine, it won’t really matter. It will be a interesting match of stamina. I’m sure I won’t mind if she breaks down and we spend a week on the couch, but how long can I keep up?

How is this all affecting me, besides the artist rouse breaking down, as I described above?
I’ll use a word, I don’t think I ever used to describe an emotion:

I’m feeling gray. Even wore a black and gray outfit, today. Decided to change the gray jeans to blue jeans to look more cheery at the $5 jam band concert. Then, around 3:30 pm, turns out the show was sold out online. They said I could try my luck at the door, but I feared I would drive 35 minutes to the city only to find I couldn’t get in, and would have to drive another 35 back. Oh, how I miss living close by like all my friends I would meet there. Though they all have girlfriends, so I’d be the 5th or 7th wheel. But, hey, it’s a concert, maybe I’d meet someone like before the internet. But *******, what hassle being out in the boonie ‘burbs! Last summer, I coulda just tried for a ticket, get denied and go home in like 15 minutes time. A year of my own place, split rent with one of the gals who thought I wasn’t reaching my goals. That was the prime of my bonobo times.
Lovely Mar 2018
I pour a couple drinks,
Getting drunk on gasoline,
Fire pulses in my veins.
I'm sick of waiting for the day,
That courage overtakes my brain,
For someone to say it's okay.
I've lived my whole life afraid,
It's time for me to be brave,
To embrace a forest.
The dark and unknown,
Because no great adventurer has a paved path to roam,
They pave as they go.
Amitav Radiance Feb 2015
Fly away
Believe in your wings
Take into confidence
The winds
Help your soar higher
Bird’s-eye view
Clearer perspective
Higher altitudes
Rarefied air
Do more with less
Now you can fly
Wings give hope
With winds by you
Perch higher
On the highest cliffs
Edge of the world
Never seemed so beautiful
Ready for adventure
It all starts here
Sebastian Oct 2014
Ambled ambitions,
an aching audacity;
aged adventurer.
Poem #1 in new collection I'm starting!

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