When I was a little girl, I wanted to feel loved.
I wanted to look pretty and make a lot of friends.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to be so many things
I wanted to be an astronaut and an archaeologist.
When I was a little girl, I wanted to feel loved.

But

Now that I have grown up,
I realize,
looks and friends are nothing but a deception
and dreams are just dreams
that always remain the same.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to feel loved.

Now that I have grown up,
I wish I had never tasted
the forbidden fruit.

A love that is not tangible
One that stands just close enough to reach for
With the illusion that it is close enough to touch
It isn't
It is sweet and lures you in like a blind man to beautiful music
I look at him, wide eyed gaze as my heart seizes inside of my chest
Lips pursed in expectation of what may never be
The way my knees break at the sound of your voice
Like I am bowing down to God
I save your words, tucking them into my pocket because
I only hear something so gentle and alluring so much
And suddenly the anxiety of truth wraps itself around my chest
Reminding my heart beat to slow because it is no use in getting so worked up
Over something so unattainable

Some advice I would have given myself last weekend
One.
If something feels wrong, do not do it. When you want to call him, hand your phone to your best friend because she can do less damage with it then you can.
Two.
When he tells you he was interested in someone else, do not reach for the alcohol. I know that it hurts but you will feel worse in the morning and it is not worth it, it never was.
Three.
When the stench of cigarettes and cold sweat tattoos itself on your skin, do not wash it off. Let the odor sink in until you realize that it is one that you do not need.
Four.
When you feel tired, go to sleep. Though staying awake seems like the more fun option realize that your body is setting into fatigue for a reason.
Five.
When you want to jump out the window, don’t. The ground seems so close but it isn't. When your friend pulls you away do not walk back.
Six.
Pick yourself up, wash the aroma of last night from your back, listen to it disappear into your shower drain, let the water be too hot. Close your eyes and focus on the memory tearing from your body, last night was a lesson, learn from it and move on.

and no matter how far apart we are
i'll always find you, my north star
because i know you'll come back to me
every time i call your name
and this makes me realize
what my heart has realized
long before i met you
that we are meant to be