I sit down after shaking his hand.
He asks how I feel.
The earth has swallowed me.
(Can you say more?)
The sadness has weighed me down
So much that I sank into the darkness
Below this realm of existence.
But I can't survive without it.
The sadness has grown with me.
I am not myself without it
But I guess it would be nice
To never experience wanting to die.
(His face changes
These are damnable words.
He watches me.)
But I do
In a strangely casual sense.
The desire is not all consuming
And sometimes it retreats
To the distant corners of my mind.
But it is always there
Ready to leap out
The next time I fall apart.
And when it does
It remains for a while
A cool undertone
To all my self-loathing.
You know,
We are all going to die,
Just like we are all going to file taxes
And curse in traffic.
Perhaps it is just one more
Mundane task
I would rather just complete.

In the dark I dine alone with only my demons to keep me safe. Safe, safety from what? From whom? From you? I like to pretend you’re dead, a slashed throat, a necklace of rope. I know it’s a sin to think this way but what’s life without a splash of red?
In the dark I cry alone with only my demons to keep me warm. Warm, warmth a sensation my body becomes numb to around you. Some times I wonder, wonder what keeps you so cold? Whom keeps you cold? Is it me… my love?
In the dark I dine alone with only my demons to save me. Saving me from what? From whom? From you? I like to imagine I’m dining on your flesh , your blood in my goblet and dripping down my walls. I know it’s a sin to imagine such a thing but life is art and I simply chose a different medium.
In the dark I sing alone with only my demons to keep me on track. On track, what track? Which way? It’s coming, closer, closer, closer I can hear it now screeching in my ear waiting for the impact I close my eyes.
And silence.
Sometimes I like to imagine you could had saved me but that’s not how life, how love works. Or used to work, how would I know what it is like now?

When you hear about it, you just shake it off
Shake it off like it’s nothing
You know about it, then shrug and go on
But have you ever thought about how they felt
How they felt when they swallowed the pills
Overdosing
When they ate and gave it up again
Over and over
When they went through bottle after bottle
Slipping farther away
When they took the blade, and dragged it over their wrist
Slitting the veins
Have you never thought about what it is like
To pick up a blade, to drag it over your skin
Letting the sting register
Watching, with a sick fascination, as the beads
The beads of crimson blood drip down your arm
Mixing with the tears pouring
Pouring, as you know, you know you’re not good enough
When you realize that you don’t belong
When you realize that you shouldn’t be alive
And you slit the veins
Repeatedly, hoping for it to happen, wanting to leave
Knowing that no one will care
That no one will miss you
Then you come to the prison
The prison called school
Where all you feel is everyone staring at you
Still thinking that you’re just some ******
Some creep that doesn't belong
They don’t know how hurt you are inside
They don’t know how much their words have pierced you
They don’t know that you want them to notice
That you want them to care
You just tug at the sleeves of your sweater
Even though it’s a hot summer day
Just tell yourself that it must stay on
That they can’t know
But they must know
And they might ask you about it
Why you’re different
Why you’re changed
Antisocial
And you want to tell them
You want someone to care
But you lie through your teeth
You lie as you feel the pain start to come
And you know that the lies are the only way to make it out
To make it out without more taunts
And before you regret anything, you go
You go and blend with the crowd
Already wishing you had said something
Anything
Just to keep someone there
Hoping that maybe someone would come
That someone wouldn’t want you to go
But the day drags on
And you just get more side glances
Snickers behind your back
And you finally run home
And burst into the bathroom
Where they wait, shining
Whispering your name
And you know that someone
Someone needs you there
And, already feeling the rush of emotion
You throw off the sweater, the armband
And you pick up the little blade
So much malice
So much relief, in something so small
And just push it into the soft flesh on your arm
Then drag it slowly
Letting yourself feel it
Make it be a punishment
For not being enough
For being a failure
For not being wanted
And you think back, back to the start of the day
When you just wanted to ask a simple question
When they told you to shut up
When they told you they didn’t care
When they told you to jump off a bridge
To just end your life
And as you sit there, hair falling over your face
You just see the earlier scars
Some thin and white
Some thicker, like little knots in your skin
And you go over them, over and over
Until your arm is covered in blood
And you just watch it
Letting it smear
Get on your shirt
Your shorts
And with every slice
You tell yourself not to be such a coward
To just face it
To do it
Because this is the relief
This is what you wait for all day
This is all that goes through your mind all day
Every day
The relief, once you’re alone
When you can hurt yourself, as much as you can
Because you hate yourself so much
Because you just want to leave
And it’s a relief, it really is
No one will understand
When you were younger
And you read about it
You heard about it
You thought how hard it must be
To hurt yourself knowingly, on purpose
But once you start
You can’t stop
Because it’s an addiction
And you can’t break free of its iron grip
And nothing anyone ever says will change it
We all say things we might not mean
We tell people that they are losers
That they are useless
That they should die
But there are people, sensitive, that will take it
The wrong way
Or maybe the right way
You don’t know their power
Their kindness
Until you experience it yourself
As you sit shaking, shuddering, wanting it to end
And they stay with you
Keeping you under control
Changing your mind
Saving a life
Just remember that everyone is hiding something
Whether it be a dark past
Or the loss of someone to suicide
Or the saving of a life
Or the want to slit yourself over and over
Everyone hides something
And in this room
There are doubtlessly several dark secrets
We all say it
We regret it
Or we don’t
I say it so many times
I regret it so many times
I don’t mean it
And you may have noticed
Or maybe you haven’t
Maybe you have and just didn’t bother saying anything
But I hide something
And I’m tired of lies
I’m tired of not having the truth out
I’m tired of having to hide it from everyone
Even my own family
Even the ones that I am supposed to trust the most
I can’t trust them
I can’t trust anyone
I’m too scared
But I’m tired of cowardice
I’m going to break soon
And keeping it in is too much strain
I can’t keep living like this
Maybe I’ll just let the world know
Or maybe it will never know
But some day….I’ll break
And maybe someone will come
And someone will regret something they said
But it’ll be too late
So just think about it
Suicide isn’t funny
Suicide isn’t a joke
Suicide isn’t romantic
Suicide isn’t attention seeking
Suicide isn’t something you just read on the news
It’s something that should be taken seriously
Suicide is real.

Everyone that matters to me forgot about my birthday...

It's okay though.

I probably won't have another...

some people are like wounded animals
completely damaged
may God know why

and you shouldn't let them suffer
these wounded animals
no.. they should die

i always feel invalidated and robbed
of the comfort of knowing that
i'd choose that ultimatum if it was ever a choice
but without that i have nothing
to fall on except knowing
that i have to endure and that is the
only ultimatum