I sit down after shaking his hand.
He asks how I feel.
The earth has swallowed me.
(Can you say more?)
The sadness has weighed me down
So much that I sank into the darkness
Below this realm of existence.
But I can't survive without it.
The sadness has grown with me.
I am not myself without it
But I guess it would be nice
To never experience wanting to die.
(His face changes
These are damnable words.
He watches me.)
But I do
In a strangely casual sense.
The desire is not all consuming
And sometimes it retreats
To the distant corners of my mind.
But it is always there
Ready to leap out
The next time I fall apart.
And when it does
It remains for a while
A cool undertone
To all my self-loathing.
You know,
We are all going to die,
Just like we are all going to file taxes
And curse in traffic.
Perhaps it is just one more
Mundane task
I would rather just complete.