This is not what I expect'd from the fall
Life took turns that I could not have foreseen,
Asking me, begging me, forcing me: "preen".
People, gone; as though life's no love at all,
For the ones I might need, ones I might call,
In darker hours. But why not intervene?
I gleaned knowledge I did not want to glean,
Of time, of love, and of death's quiet call.

I also, although, did not expect light,
Nor strength, nor courage. I was gathered up
By one, well aware of my hopeless groans.
Renewed with Spirit, I leaned in to fight.
Pulled in, that I might witness You closeup.
This season no longer seems one unsewn.

Now; when the chilled wind pinches my cheeks and nips at the tips of my fingers.
Now; when the cool air leaves my hair smelling like an amalgam of pinion wood and frost.
Now; when I first caught a glimpse of how deeply and vastly I really would love you.
Now; when I had so eagerly awaited the warmth of your heart pressed close to mine.
Now; when you are no longer here and my soul is all at sea without you in my life.
Now; and forever I will remember you and love you as extremely and completely as I always have.

Bait, cast, reel me in.
In to your trap.
Flatter, flirt, tie me up.
Up around your finger.
Push, pull, make me succumb.
Succumb to your will.
Shove, coerce, force me to feel.
Feel things I did not ask for.
Jade, cloy, leave me in secret.
Secret love for another.
Resign, decamp, abandon me.

It's December I think I can fix you.

It's January I can't fix you.

It's February I'm not your bandaid.

It's March you say you can fix me.

It's April I don't need fixing.

It's May I can feel again.

It's June I can feel nothing.

It's July I am empty.

It's August I am afraid.

It's September you care about me.

It's October you and I have our problems.

It's November we won't fix each other.

It's December well work on them together.

It's January I am yours and you are mine.

It's February I love you more now than ever.

It's March thank you.

feigned confidence hiding glossy eyes
from which i would be happy to wipe away tears
feigned happiness hiding cracked lips
from which if words were to escape i would rejoice
feigned empathy hiding a cold heart
from which affection once poured over me
feigned love hiding a fractured mind
from which thoughts of us no longer flow

tear into my flesh
and open me up like
a raider would his treasure
rip my bolts off
fling me open
do not be surprised
when there is nothing inside

amalgamate with my flesh
and melt into me like
the snow to the loam
mingle our ventricles
synthesize with me
do not be surprised
when life becomes heavier

pour into my flesh
and fill me up like
the ocean into the wreckage
suffuse every corner
expel my atmosphere
do not be surprised
when you watch me asphyxiate

lacerate my flesh
rip into me like
the galaxy into the unknown
eagerly penetrate my depths
pull me apart
do not be surprised
when you only see your reflection

decamp from my flesh
and jilt me like
the bride did her lover
abandon my body
cast it aside
do not be surprised
when you lose your way

you, who loved me so unconditionally, loved me only for so long.
you, who made promises for the future, knew not what our futures held.
you, who handcuffed me to your shadow, snuck quietly away into the darkness.
you, who feared being left alone, did not at all fear leaving another lonely.
you, who stole my heart and kept it to yourself, built up walls to keep you guarded.
you, who wound me around your finger, stayed far away from mine.
you, who spoke the words 'i love you', spoke lies.

my computer is dying and you're gone and i'm glad but you keep trying to poke your way back in through tiny cracks that i ought to seal but instead i leave open because if you found them closed you would ache and i can't do that even if it is what you deserve and i am already moving on because someone else appreciates me and i appreciate me and you didn't so you're gone and i'm glad and someone is quickly appearing in my peripheral but i don't want them to be you and i don't want to want them because of you as far as i can tell i just like them and so you're gone and i'm glad but you keep seeping in through these cracks that i should probably seal soon because it's rather annoying to see little bits of you here and there and i don't want them around because i'm moving forwards and i don't want you around because you're gone and i'm glad and if you'd stay gone i'd be gladder