My last words to you were “I’ll see you later”.

Not “you mean the world to me” or “I would die for you” or “I love you”. Nothing that mattered, nothing that was real.  

I wonder why we say that. “I’ll see you later”. It’s a promise. A ridiculous vague promise that we know we can’t always keep.

I want to try again. I know we can’t rewrite history. I know that no matter how loud I scream you will never hear me. But I cannot say goodbye until I have let these words out of my aching soul. So here they, far too late.

I understand why you’re leaving. I know it’s selfish, but I wish it was me instead of you. You were always stronger, more equip for this life. You always  lead me through pain, how am I supposed to face it without you?

I’d give anything for you to stay for one more moment. To make one more snarky comment. To hear your voice just one more time. We didn’t get enough minutes, but I suppose even forever with you wouldn’t have been long enough.

I love you far more than I love myself. It doesn’t always seem that way, but you have seen my heart and held it in your hands. Didn’t you notice how it beat for you, spelling out your name over and over again? Did you realize I love you unconditionally? Did you know that I would burn down the entire world for you?

I want you to know, that all those years ago when I told you I hated you for making us walk away, it wasn’t true. In fact, I knew in the deepest part of my soul that it was what needed to be done but I didn’t have the strength to do it myself. So, when I said I hated you I actually meant that I hated me.

As these words come off of my lips I am starting to realize that I cannot do this without you. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me alone. I’m not going to make it. I won’t survive.

But if you must, I hope you find peace where ever end up. This life took so much and made you so **** tired, I hope you can finally rest.

Before you go, I have one last thing to say:

You mean the world to me, I would die for you and I love you.

To run into your composure,
To take the worries away,
To hear your heart like a whisper,
That everything will be okay.

Not like this,
Not even a kilometer apart,
Not in this way,
No one can hardly look to stare.

Even if the streams decide to flow,
Even as the stars tremble,
Even when the rain shook cold,
Either of us is a safe place.

To house our feeding fire,
Not every flint sparks a flame,
Even we deserve the warmth,
You are never alone in the dark.

For a few months time
I kept a poetry notebook
Always by my side.

When I would write about
Something happy and positive
It would be written on the next page from the front of my notebook.

When I would write about
Something sad and somber or negative
I would write it on the next page from the back of my notebook.

It almost seemed like a competition then
Which would fill up my pages first?
Joy or sorrow?

Now and then I still take that notebook
Thumb it open
And examine its pages.

The only difference is
That now my happiness
Is written on my face
In the form of a smile
And you are the author
Who placed it there.

On the other side of the tracks, you smiled.
My train arrived before i could return the gesture.
I decided to stand by and just wait for another.
To see your face once more before we part ways again.
But the moment the train moved, yours arrived.
And you, you took the train and i missed mine.
All for the sake of you, here i am waiting again.

I don't mean to write about you. Kind of in the same way I don't mean to stay in bed until evening or avoid calls from my mother or miss meals or cry through a night or two. I just do. I'm sure the sun doesn't mean to burn and the leaves don't mean to fall and the flowers don't mean to wilt and winter doesn't mean to freeze. They just do.

Have you ever met someone
Made up of everyone
Everything she's ever encountered
So consumed with that make up
She doesn't know her true self
She can search far and deep
But the memories seem to be in a keep
Close enough to see but too far to reach
Else, they never existed beneath
Peel back her layers of skin
You'll find nothing within
For everything lives in her head
The dread,
The dreams,
The seams
That burst
She must be cursed
She won't give in
That is all I know.

You haven’t
So we sing.
Off key
Out of tune
You and me
Swing dancing
To the sound of me
The sound of you
Fine, the sound of we
Swing dancing to our heart beat
There’s beauty here
Spin and dip
And our eyes lock
The microwave beeps