Walking up the stairs, it was quiet
Feeling that old **** carpet, like pillows beneath my toes
The house smelled the same, of dust and wood, sometimes
a hint of clean laundry and vanilla candles
Approaching the room - hit like a stroke - or a baseball
to the left eye in 1998

A museum of furniture, clothing, trophies, memories-
Notes whose meanings no longer could be immediately recalled,
And some we wouldn't want to remember
A slip of paper, under my mattress, it read "Please
just let me say I'm sorry one more time, I can't lose you"
Signed, The First Girl I Thought I Loved
She now has three children and goes on vacations to Lake Tahoe
To see the sunset, to breathe again and again

I searched everywhere for the box, the one where we
keep sentimental **** because it feels wrong to throw it away
Then I remembered the day she threw it in the street, saying
"You think they care about you? You think any of these people know what you really are? Nobody will ever love you like your mother loves you"
The screen door cracked that day and my memories
Oh, they flew away like paper airplanes, flying so high

I sighed to release myself, to be free of it
Grabbed the bright red canister and began
Drowning the time capsule, the mausoleum, familiarity dissipating
I lit the match, paused for a brief moment of silence
Then watched as it was devoured, chemically altered

You both preserved this room, just the way it was
Locked me in that room, throwing away the key
Safeguarding these memories, only the ones easier to swallow
Maybe if it never changed, then I would not have
Maybe if it all stayed in place, it would be ready for my return
Let this serve as a reminder
That room killed me, and now it dies with you.

CW/TW** Mental abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence


I.
You were sitting at the bar, neon lights danced down your face
With your friends you laughed about some stupid movie you all loved
I saw when you looked down at your hands, your smile disappeared
The loneliness began to creep up behind your eyelids
I approached you, asked if you'd have a beer and smoke with me
You walked me home after, laughing about ridiculous childhood memories
Sharing our frustrations over how much had changed since the simple days
"I didn't know you back then, but I wish that I had"

II.
He was coming over tonight, I was making us dinner
"I know your birthday isn't for another week, but I have a surprise for you"
He opened the box, full of his favorite games, CDs, and books from his childhood
The ones he had relied on through his mom's various relationships, the abuse, the picking up and moving, the lost friendships
Everything he lost, piece by piece, move after move
He tried his best to not cry in front of me
"I figured you weren't listening. Nobody remembers stuff like this."
He told me he loved me, I said it back.

III.
We moved into a Tudor style house with a big garden, just as I dreamed
Settling in the same town where I went to high school
We painted the walls shades of blue, had a candlelit dinner with a table made of boxes, we slept on our mattress on the floor
"All I ever wanted was for you to have a place to call home,
to want to stay, to feel safe"

IV.
The next morning he received a call, his mother was back in the hospital
He had no contact for years, she said she needed him this time
He was quiet most of the day as we shopped for furniture
A familiar face spotted me from down the aisle, a high school boyfriend
"Long time no see, did you move back?"
"Just yesterday", I introduced them
"We should catch up sometime, see you around"
He looked at me, unamused. "You gonna hang out with him? I think you should"
I shook my head "No thanks"
Laughing, he said, " Well, sure feels like you want to"
"I'm not even going to entertain this conversation"
He didn't come home from the bars until 3am, he slept on the couch
I woke him up, his plane was leaving in a couple of hours
I asked again if he wanted me to go with him to see her
"Don't act like you care. Have fun hanging out with him."
He grabbed his suitcase and slammed the door.

V.
He was returning today, we had hardly spoken for two weeks
He came through the door with a dozen white roses
He hugged me and wouldn't let go. "Please forgive me
Please? I am so sorry. I couldn't live if I ever lost you"
I awoke in the middle of the night, our bedroom glowing
I caught a glimpse of him, my phone in his hands, I pretended to sleep
I didn't want to fight.

VI.
The garden had become overrun by weeds
The vases in the house had emptied
The blue walls turned to shades of gray
It was pouring rain, at home, after the funeral
I walked outside, laid in the street
The drops of water reflecting the landscape across my face
It washed over the blotches on my skin, old and new
Blue, black, brown, green, yellow
He saw me and ran outside, carried me off the road
"I'm so sorry, it won't happen again, I promise
If you leave me, I would die
If you leave me, I would die
I don't think you understand
Without you, I won't survive"
It felt
like drowning

"A child may not be
considered a piece of property-
only the child possesses genuine rights
the Right to be respected as a person
from the moment of his conception"
He was born in the year 1964
A world on the brink of splitting open,
On the edge of revolution, progress, protest

The stained glass windows speckled from the rain
Incense and old wood covered in fingernail imprints
Matching those on the sides of his arms
A small choir singing hymns of Salvation and Praise
His mother nudges him "stand up straight, eyes forward"
A mind wandering from the homily on Sacrifice
To the images of bombings in Hamburg

Adorned with black and white collars
Gripping an unlabeled wine bottle
The children sprinted through the wooded trails
Mud spattering across their legs and dress shoes
The others spun in circles, as if trapped in jewelry boxes
Their ankles dressed in pink ribbons
This was no place for innocence and imagination
But one of penance and prayer

He kept his toy cars and trains in a green metal box under his bed
It wasn't much, but they were his
Through them locking him in the closet for hours
And being told to not speak unless spoken to
The times of self expression, of emotion, feeling
Shamed and forced suppression - turned to repression
These cars and trains, they were his

Mental illness is a myth
Suicide is a mortal sin
We decide who you are
You cannot feel
Kneel down
Be quiet
Say your prayers

We gathered to celebrate the newlyweds,
I only came here because I knew
He would be here
July 26th, 2008-

It had been fifteen years... since she was taken from us
The night had come swiftly, salt tainted mist - for your wounds
I was but a child when he took her and disappeared.
You robbed, stole, abused - Now, it is your time.

You didn't recognize me from across the room
My fingertips softly tapped my champagne glass
Glancing at reflections on the sharp edges
Explosions in gold, a world turned upside down
Melting around the corners, disappearing -

Our eyes met and you took my hand, to the terrace
As we stared out into the shadowed earth,
Only comforted by the sound of creatures and smell of dew
You looked up at the sky, a coat of silver jewels
Spread across dark, ad infinitum
You inhaled, exhaled - a plume of smoke
A world shifted, right side up
Again.

You began to speak of Federico Fellini
As if I were a conquest... to impress
Interrupting, you, "Say my name"
You stared blankly at my eyes - shifting from fire to ash
"Say my name, say it"
"Say my name."
Suddenly - your eyes widened, inhaling, the memory
Your mouth opened to speak - I pushed as hard as I could
You fell - and lay - beside the river below
Unchanged, an immovable object, an anchor, callous

Running down stairs, through trees, amidst the collapse
Reaching the point of exhaustion, I sat, I smoked
Surrounded by chairs dancing in the dark, like skeletons
Is this what you wanted?
Is this what You wanted?

You taught me about love
You taught me how to see color
You taught me how to explore
You taught me how to smile
You taught me about deception
You taught me about abuse
You taught me about trust
You taught me about hatred
You taught me how it feels to be forgotten
You taught me how it feels to be alone
You taught me how it feels to be heartless
You taught me how it feels to be stepped on
You taught me how it feels to be used
You taught me how it feels to be heartbroken
You taught me what a casket felt like
You taught me about myself
You taught me how much I could hate
You taught me how much I could hate
You taught me how much I could hate
I hope if I taught you anything
It’s that love is real
But so is pain
You ruined my life
You’ll never see me again