sometimes i feel so lonely
i hold myself late at night
it doesn’t seem to matter how
the glitter of life surrounds me
i can’t seem to shake the darkness
that’s settled in my bones

Lately it’s felt like I’ve been going backwards
Retracing my steps with the hope that I’ll find some clarity
Falling back on old habits that always made me depressed
Getting caught up in the past when I should be obsessed with the moment

I listen to old songs and the way I hear them now
Have nothing on the way I used to
It’s crazy how we can reinterpret a melody
To conform to our current way of thinking

I don’t feel the butterflies the way I used to
And I know that this just comes with the territory
of becoming familiar with someone
But the hopeless romantic in me
can’t help but feel the loss
I want the boy to love me
but I’m not sure if I want the pain to stop

Lately I’ve been telling my brain to just go, to mentally move on
Build up my walls and bury myself away once more
But then you message me and I feel myself crawling back,
Over and over again like an unsteady person
Who doesn’t know how to be alone with their thoughts
Once they've realized that life could be different

I’m always fine when you’re gone
I used to be unbalanced with the distance
But nowadays I feel myself reaching peace
Whenever you’re not near me
So every time you come back I know that
the plane of my existence will become tilted yet again

But chasing after a fantasy will never be what I need
I need to be strong and possess some mental lucidity
I’m too weak in my soul and too tired in my bones
To be this worried about a love that doesn’t exist

So when I’m ready (and I know that soon I’ll be ready)
I’ll let myself exit this moment
I’m ready to give up, to take back what I’m feeling
This ill-hearted emotion that proximity
will one day translate to love and devotion.

And the worst thing about it
Was that despite what I told myself
I still considered it my fault
I fell so easily for those disgusting excuses
Men use to justify harm done to women

I thought of how I answered the call
Forever worried about how the voice
I use on the phone just to sound pleasant
Could be misconstrued to be
"a ******* operator's voice"

The truth is
It didn't matter what I said
Or how I said it
Nothing I did would deflect the abuse
Because that decision was made
Outside of my control

(but nothing I tell myself will stop the pain)

It's in the land of make believe
Every Sunday sitting up staring at the sunset
Wonder where you've been
Or if you wanna settle down yet
I know I'm searching for something feeble
But I can't stop my energy from being unleashed
On something that will inevitably waste my time
But I just want you
Want you to realize that
you want to be mine

Every Wednesday a total disaster
I want to talk to you but I wonder why
you put me down whenever you're around
Is this what I need? Do I want a guy
who wants to watch me become crazy?

Said I was too sensitive, filled to the brink
with pure liquid melodrama
Said I was too defensive yet whenever I speak
you treat me like a missile,
Every word comes out wrong
So let me go, get out of my mind
I wanna feel free before you leave me behind

I know how this is gonna end
And I don't want to feel that way again
so I'll leave you alone
if you leave me alone.

i can’t believe it’s been so long
always on the offense
you tell me in a million different ways
how i upset you

i’m sorry
i don’t mean to be the flaws
that you search for
i’m just a girl
trying to find peace in this world

want to be myself
before i have nothing else
but i never knew who i was
who i am or who i’m gonna be

don’t wanna hurt you
or say the wrong thing
but maybe it’s not worth it
if every time i talk to you
you reduce me to nothing

I see you
Fading in
Floating out
Startled silence
Laying on the ground

Shooting through the sky
You never said goodbye
Only said hello
Smiled when you wanted to die
Why didn't you cry when you still had the time?

Henry's in the sky, diamonds by his side
Always said they were a man's best friend
Followed him to the very end
Where the flesh becomes dust
And the dust becomes earth again

Every Sunday I feel your energy
Spread across the pews
I look for your touch
Shiver once I've found you

A ghost that no one knows
Death in the absence of memory
Wanted you but I lost you and now

You're in the sky, diamonds by your side
Suicidal lullaby
Always said the breadth of song
Would make the days grow long
But all I feel is the shortness of breath
From the thought of someone gone

Now in the gravity of night
I wonder what you'd do
Now, in the gravity of night
I hold onto someone new

The moon.
It is beckoning me.
I can hear its voice calling for me,
begging me to stay.
It wants just one more night
but I must go.
The night is not like how it used to be,
the stars do not shine as bright
as they once did.
It saddens me.

The color is being stripped away.
The air is becoming thick.
Each day, the sun fades a little more.
The glimmer in my eye, it dims.
Everywhere I look I see ghosts,
I see shadows of objects
that no longer exist.
The world is dying.
I feel alone.

And yet, my mind is alive.
The thoughts race past,
one after the other,
even as the nights grow longer.
My dreams take flight.
Every time I move I dance.
I skip, I scream, I cry.
Never have I ever held onto a moment
as if it were tangible.
As if the seconds were not fleeting
but fragments,
snapshots stolen from time.