My heart skipped a beat
as I stepped on the narrow beam
to climb up on a roof.
Not because I was scared of falling or getting caught
but because you grabbed my hand to help me up.
It was the first time I felt your touch
in years.
It was the closest I had felt to you
since I was  15
and climbing on those very same roofs the night before you left.
But tonight it was different.
Now I was 18,
I was drunk,
and the air wasn't warm and comforting like it was on that August night .
No, tonight it was cold and my body shook when the wind blew
across the roof and made me question why I was even up here with you in the first place.
But something about it felt so natural
and even thought I hadn't talked to you in so long
our conversations took flight
like they had never landed.

i told myself a million times
that if you ever tried to talk to me again,
i would be strong enough not to reply.
but when your number came up on my phone
the walls that i had been trying to hard to build up
crumbled down
and hit the floor with a defeating thud.
instead of feeling strong
i felt happy
relieved
wanted
even though you were just drunk
and i shouldn't have.

I kissed you
on the lips.
The frigid December air engulfed
every since of my skin
like your hands used to.
But they found their way back comfortably around my waist
like they had never left,
like the didn't now belong
around someone else's.
I knew then
that there was something unbelievably right
about  a moment that was so wrong.
But our lips found a way home
and every emotion I had failed to feel in an entire year
came rushing back to my mind.
And all of the tears I had not cried on all those nights
when I missed you finally came to me.
But you were no longer mine
and I was not yours
and out lips remembered that it was 3 am
and we should both be somewhere else.
I still remember the look on your face
when I stepped out the car
like you had so much more you wanted to say
but it's been a year now
and you still haven't said it.

I felt like a little kid
standing on the edge of the diving board for the first time
whenever I thought of you.
I would slowly climb up the ladder,
one step at a time,
everyone watching and waiting to see what I might do.
As I walked down the blue board
feeling the sandy texture on my toes
I would glance down at the blue water
that I was stepping closer and closer to.
I stood at the edge
my toes just hanging over.
I stared down
thinking that the water looked much deeper that it was before
when I was admiring it from the ground.
I wondered if I really wanted to immerse myself
into something so unknown and dangerous.
I closed my eyes
and with one last deep inhale
I would bend my knees and propel myself forward
pinching my nose seconds before the water engulfed
every aspect of my being.

But suddenly I forget how to swim.
The water becomes deeper and deeper
and I feel myself sinking into oblivion.
Down I go,
losing time with every inch I descend.
Watching the sun turn from a bright glowing ball
just beyond my reach,
to nothing at all.
I am screaming for you to save me
but you simply glance down
unwilling to jump in
and pull me out.

it’s funny how it begins
and you can’t remember exactly when
but one day you looked in the mirror
and hated every aspect of your being
that day when eating acquired a whole new meaning
at first you tried weaning but each bite felt so demeaning
suddenly your careening down that path they warned you about
if you tell, they’ll think you’re acting out
and no matter how hard you try to push it out
it sneaks back
always ready to attack
“don’t eat that” “put it back”
just trying to be like the girls in the magazine rack
but your while mind is changed
you think nothing is wrong, nothing is deranged
it doesn’t seem strange
that you can’t take a bite
without feeling like it is wrong
you wonder “have i been this way all along”
is it just in my head? i thought i was strong.

maybe if you texted me some other time
besides the wee hours of the morning,
when i am nestled in my bed
willing my mind to dream of anything
other than you.
maybe if you texted me some other time
besides the wee hours of the morning,
when you finally worked up the confidence
or maybe just the stupidity
to say what we both know is true.
maybe if you didn't wait
until there was no blood left in your veins
and only alcohol
to send me a message
we could have a conversation about the past and present.
maybe if you didn't tell me
how much you missed me
when i know that you will confess if all to her
i wouldn't be so afraid to tell you that i miss you too.
maybe if you texted me some other time
besides the wee hours of the morning,
you would get a reply.

i wished i could write it all down.
but there were simply not enough words.
and certainly not the right ones.