I've been pacing for seven years now
Dug myself into a deep dark trench
The worst part about it is I've known about it but i couldn't stop
I know when things are important but i struggle with the motivation to give a single ****
It's not a term i use lightly
I want to but it's easier to run
But I've backed myself into a corner and given my past a loaded gun
Regrets are heavy
Placed so delicately on my shoulders day by day
But my knees are getting weak
It's like getting stabbed over and over again with a dull knife
It'll never penetrate but it still hurts right
I'm slowly losing this fight
It never fails to haunt me
Every single night.

I'm not afraid I'm just weak.

If only I knew the price I'd pay
Living the same cycle day by day
The blood in my veins would soon run cold
The spark in my heart would abandon my soul
The comfort of my skin would wear away
The color of my city would turn to gray
The blood in my head would drain from my nose
Spending dime after dime left me out in the cold
If only I knew that I just had to try
Doses became higher
And so did I
Till I finally screamed, threw myself on the floor
I punched
I kicked
Couldn't take it anymore
Dose after dose
I couldn't see from my eyes
I laid on my back and looked up at the sky
If only I knew it was all part of the ride
Just a bunch of ****** up kids
With bloodshot eyes
Chasing our drinks instead of the sun
Only God knows the battle I've won.

Though there have been harsh words in the past i miss you more than id like to admit. I no longer feel the chains that bound me to your anchor but like any other choice ive made here i am filled with regret. Regret for what though? Being used as a convenience? I honestly cant believe it took me this long to see this. Thats love though, shining a light so bright in your eyes you cant see whats on the inside. Im sincerely grateful we didn't end up as one because the things you do to those who you "love" would shatter my perception on who you actually are. You hide behind the beauty and tears. Running from your fears while tripping your loved ones hoping itll take them instead. Ive never quite known someone like you and i hope i dont again. I wish nothing but the best for you "friend."

I have a trinket
I hold the world in my palms
And in the world i hold a woman who owns a voice that calms
This trinket is not magic
It's a godsend in disguise
And it harbors the words of a woman
With bright blue sky eyes
Now the distance is quite an issue
But it won't hold our demise
There are many miles ahead
And time is on our side
So I'll just lay here awake
Chatting away with someone in which i confide
And maybe one day I'll get a package
Marked precious cargo with you wrapped up inside

How is possible to miss someone you never knew
Is knowing defined by how long they've been there or how much you've grown partial to
I fall in love with someone everywhere i go
Its the mental image of me being happy with someone i don't even know
Or just found out existed
The cycles of the seasons rewind to a brighter idea throughout my twisted reasons
I feel sickened to think about strangers this way
Solely off appearance they're able to give my hope a place for its head to lay
Its the feeling of making eye contact with someone extremely alluring when they walk by
When your heart sinks to the deepest depths where all your fears and flaws hide
To know you'd never have a chance to have them in your life
Cowardice has a death grip

I feel so pathetic at times like this
Eyes closed but mind wide open into the sharpened abyss
I see you passionately making love to another man
I see a silver engraved dagger shaking in my hands
I creep quietly through the room
Both of you know not of my existence
As you layed there before me
The knife glides right through him and into you
You don't even gasp its like you knew the fortune before the torment
its like i could understand what our clothes on the floor meant
i couldn't bare to see the sight i saw
As the words seep out through the wounds just underneath your jaw
There couldn't be any witnesses around to see
Me murderer the man i used to be