How to cook a gourmet (whatever the hell that means) dinner:

Step 1: Send your boyfriend a text inviting him over for a romantic, candlelit home-cooked gourmet dinner.

Step 2: Remember that you are forever alone and don’t have a boyfriend.

Step 3: Go buy mass amounts of chocolate and cry about it.

Step 4: Get over it and invite over your grandmother instead.

Step 5: Preheat the oven to 975 degrees

Step 6: Freak out about the fire in your oven and turn it off.

Step 7: Open all your doors to let the smoke out.

Step 8: Get out all the ingredients you need for the recipe you are
following.

Step 9: End up eating most of the ingredients before you even get to
use them.

Step 10: Spill oil and wine all over your recipe book (umm pffft the
wine is TOTALLY one of the ingredients, that’s why you had it out… heh heh… yeah…)

Step 11: Panic and try to dry it off by taking the book outside and waving it around.

Step 12: Watch in horror as all the pages in your book tear and fly off
into the wind.

Step 13: Chase hopelessly after the pages down the block screaming
swear words and having a heart attack.

Step 14: Politely smile and wave awkwardly at your neighbour who
hates you.

Step 15: Yell an apology across the street to that other neighbour who
REALLY doesn’t like you with the little five year old daughter who is
now repeating all of your colorful vocabulary words you just yelled.

Step 16: Reluctantly accept the fact that your recipes are gone. And also
that you have just contributed to the global problem of littering the
streets.

Step 17: Walk back to your smoke-scented house in shame.

Step 18: Look through pictures of scrumptious-looking meals on
Pinterest.

Step 19: Get inspired and decide to put your brilliant idea of creating your own recipe into action.

Step 20: Get out your frying pan and throw a bunch of random ingredients in.

Step 21: Put out yet another fire and realize that marshmallows, sprinkles, raisins, baking soda, orange peels and liquid gasoline probably wouldn’t have tasted very good together anyway.

Step 22: Wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

Step 23: Get distracted by the television for half an hour.

Step 24: Try to microwave 2 week old mac and cheese you forgot to
throw out.

Step 25: Watch as your microwave malfunctions and spontaneously
combusts.

Step 26: Decide to clean it up later because you just cannot even deal
with it right now.

Step 27: Fill a *** with water to make pasta and try to boil the water.

Step 28: Somehow manage to burn the water.

Step 29: Wonder how that even happened?!!!!

Step 30: Give up and call the pizza delivery guy.

Step 31: When you grandmother arrives have her take a seat in the
kitchen.

Step 32: Call an ambulance when she has a heart attack seeing the mess
in your kitchen.

Step 33: Get ready to leave and drive after the ambulance to the
hospital with your grandmother once the pizza arrives so you can
bring it with you. Get a call from the pizza place.

Step 34: Listen to the manager explain that your pizza spontaneously
burst into flames in the oven and they are terribly sorry there will be a
delay in the delivery due to this.

Step 35: Pass out.

Step One:
Meet someone.
Step Two:
Become friends.
Step Three:
Spend too much time with them.

Step Four:
Realize that you have gotten along better with them than anyone else you know.
Step Five:
Tell yourself that they're the one for you.
Step Six:
Tell them that they're the one for you.
Step Seven:
Date.
Step Eight:
Fall in love.

Take a deep breath.
This is where it gets tricky.

STEP NINE:
Stay together for awhile...
STEP TEN:
AND AWHILE LONGER
STEP ELEVEN
AND WHILE LONGER
STEP TWELVE
AND AWHILE LONGER
AND AWHILE LONGER
AND AWHILE LONGER
AND AWHILE LONGER

STEP THIRTEEN:
SHORTEN CONVERSATIONS
STEP FOURTEEN:
AWKWARD SILENCE
STEP FIFTEEN:
THEY STOP CALLING
STEP SIXTEEN:
THEY STOP TEXTING

STEP SEVENTEEN:
THEY SAY THEY FEEL DIFFERENTLY
STEP EIGHTEEN:
THEY SAY THEY MET SOMEONE ELSE
STEP NINETEEN:
THEY SAY THEY STILL WANT TO BE FRIENDS
STEP TWENTY:
THEY BLOCK YOU ONLINE
STEP TWENTY-ONE:
THEY BLOCK YOUR CELLPHONE NUMBER
STEP TWENTY-TWO:
YOU CRY
and you cry
and cry
and cry
and cry and cry and cry...

Step Twenty-Three:*
...you fall
and hit rock bottom.

There you have it, ladies in gentlemen:
******* yourself without *actually dying?
...Love someone who doesn't love you back.

This is the guide to a perfect suicide
Step one:
Go to the roof top of the tallest building
Step two:
Go to the edge
Step three:
Look down
Step four:
Scream out to the world "*******!!"
Step four:
Go home
Step five:
Go to your room
Step six:
Lock your door
Step seven:
Grab a pen
Step eight:
Grab a piece of paper
Step nine:
Write 'This Is The Death Of Me'
Step ten:
Pour your heart out and write how you would end it
Step eleven:
Stop writing
Step twelve:
Read what you wrote
Step thirteen:
Continue writing
Step fourteen:
Cry and let them fall on the paper
Step fifteen:
Log onto Hello Poetry
Step sixteen:
Post it on your page
Step seventeen:
Add it to several collections
Step eighteen:
Go back and add a note stating 'I wanted to do this'
Step nineteen:
Watch the 'Don't do it, You will be missed' rack up
Step twenty:
Reply to them all 'Thank you'
Step twenty one:
Keep killing yourself within your poetry
Step twenty two:
If you ever find the time...**** yourself
Within your poetry
If you ever doubt yourself
Don't resort to anything but coming to me
Call me if you have to
I will always be there for you
Waiting to comfort you
Step twenty three:
Clear your mind
Step twenty four:
This is the final step-
READ SOME REALLY DARK POETRY
FROM SOME RANDOM DARK POET
AND REALIZE YOU ARE NOT ALONE
There will be a lot of people
Who want to **** themselves
They will read this just as you have
And they will listen to my advice
Because I can get away with every possible crime
It's only poetry and there is no law
There is no judge
There is no jury
You are only guilty of one thing
Not killing yourself sooner
WITHIN YOUR POETRY
And **** what any body else says
You spoke your mind
You opened yourself up
You did what they couldn't...

...you found peace and solitude

one step ahead and they're finally done
one step ahead and they're finally gone
one step ahead and she is finally proud
one step ahead,one step ahead, one step ahead

one step ahead and the glass finally falls
one step ahead and the tears finally drop
one step ahead and the fingers finally touch
one step ahead and the shirt is finally black
one step ahead,one step ahead,one step ahead

with or without,skies or the clouds,
love or a fling,food or a drink;
they finally said and they finally did
they finally free in a count of three
they finally gone and this time it's gonna be so long
they finally clap and it feels like it's only one step
they finally grow as the wind blows
and they finally smile but they're gonna cry

one step ahead before the journey ends
one step ahead before the airplane lands
and one step ahead before the new level
and one step ahead before a boy turns into a man
and one step ahead before a girl turns into a woman
and one step ahead and they finally fly to the higher level of the sky.

Step 1:
Realize that winning at life does not mean that you beat others, but rather that you beat life itself. Realize that the only thing holding you back is life's grip on you that convinces you that you can't beat it. Break free of it. You're not seized by death, but by life.

Step 2:
Take care of yourself. Self-care is the most important, specifically the hard stuff. Clean your house, one room at a time. Shower, brush your hair and teeth, go for a walk outside, exercise, cook proper meals. You're not helping yourself at all by doing things you already do and enjoy. If you don't change yourself then the world won't change around you. Better yourself and everything else will follow closely in your wake.

Step 3:
Accept that happiness is a reward and not a gift. Accept that happiness is fleeting and you will have to continue to work for it if you want to keep getting it.

Step 4:
Listen to music you enjoy. Listen to music that matches your mood. Listen to music that inspires you. Trust me, it's important and you'll even enjoy it.

Step 5:
Be mature, but never grow up. Remember how to be a kid, but keep in mind that you have to be an adult sometimes. If you can decipher when each are appropriate then life will be significantly easier.

Step 6:
Get over it. It's harsh, but it's true. If you keep dwelling on things that happened in the past and are irreversible then how will you find the time to make sure the future turns out better?

Step 7:
Remember that you have plenty of time left, but that you have much control over how plenty. Remember you were born with enough time to do everything you want, but if you waste it then you'll lose it and can never get it back. Remember that if you enjoyed wasting the time then the time wasn't wasted and that you will die eventually.

Step 8:
Acknowledge that forgiveness is not a requirement. You do not have to forgive anyone who has hurt you, but people say it's nice.

Step 9:
Remind yourself that your health is more important than others' comfort. If someone feels better at your expense then they need to stop. Take care of yourself first, other people have their own coping mechanisms and they will get over it. You are your priority, no matter what.

Step 10:
Never forget that all problems have solutions. If you feel stuck, think. You'll eventually realize you know how to solve all of your problems. Never forget that solutions might not solve every problem at once, and you need to pick what's most important and what can be saved for later.

Step 11:
Accept that the future might be worse. Especially if you're in an environment you don't have full control over, things out of your hands could change for the worse. Accept that you can change most things however, and you can decide when things get better.

Step 12:
Know that there will come a time when you'll be forgotten forever and that will be so freeing. After you die, someone will think about you for the very last time and you'll be truly free. Nothing you do in life will last forever and soon everyone will have forgotten you ever existed, and it will be good.

Step 13:
Don't be superstitious. You'll worry more than you already do.

Step 14:
Realize that you won't ever get a positive answer unless you ask. No one will tell you yes unless you express that that's what you want to hear.

Step 15:
Listen to your doctors. Take your medications. Do your exercises. They studies for many years to tell you how to not die, listen to them. I promise they know more about how to help you than a random article online with no sources of sustenance.

Step 16:
Trust your gut. If you even stop to seriously consider something, it's probably at least a little bit true. If something is wrong, you will know it. You also know when that opinion is yours, or the one you've been tricked into believing is yours.

Step 17:
Think about the past. In moderation. Realize that the past is only as good as you remember it, and if you think it's better than the present then you will grow to despise the present. Realize that even if the past was better, you cannot go back and it passed for a reason.

Step 18:
Don't get back together with an ex. You broke up for a reason. Unless everything was a misunderstanding, in which case maybe. Even if you look back on your break up and think the reasons were foolish, remember that they hurt someone enough for you to break up. That will permanently damage your relationship, even if you try your hardest to fix everything.

Step 19:
Realize that you don't need to take advise from a random sixteen year old over the internet. Realize you can and should disregard any previous steps if you disagree.

Step 20:
Die knowing you lived.

Step 1:  Understand that you are powerless when it comes to love
Step 2:  Open your heart to love or there is no chance to love or be loved
Step 3:  When in love there is no return to sanity
Step 4:  Turn matters of love over to the heart, your mind will lose anyway
Step 5:  Take inventory of why you feel this love (will help in future step)
Step 6:  Admit to yourself the exact nature of this love
Step 7:  Realize that love is worth the risk of all heartaches
Step 8:  Never put off love, act on it, tomorrow may be to late
Step 9:  Conjure up courage and then proceed to step 10
Step 10:  Express your love, use the inventory from step 5 as a guide
Step 11:  Be prepared for anything, you may or may not get the response you seek
Step 12:  Repeat step 1:  understand that you are powerless when it comes to love

step one, step two
in the tar you lost your shoe
step three, step four
you don't belong anymore
step five, step six
the kids are snorting pixie sticks
step seven, step eight
tonight you and charlie are going to hop the freight
step nine, step ten
you wonder when you'll be whole again
turn, step one, step two
charlie and you found your shoe
step three, step four
you bought a house with a pretty red door
step five, step six
you never really liked pixie sticks
step seven, step eight
you laugh 'till its late
step nine, step ten
you learn how to be whole again