Thick girls thighs,
Pretty girls smile,
In denial girls white lies,
"Bad ***" girls court trial.

Smart girls glasses,
Poor girls hand me downs,
Black girls *****,
Rich girls wedding gowns.

Wanna-be girls chameleon attitude,
Slutty girls mini skirt,
Anorexic girls hate for food,
Lost girls amber alert.

Cool girls break the law,
Drunk girls D.U.I,
Klutzy girls trip and fall,
Sad girls wanna fly.

Party girls heels,
Artsy girls love to draw,
Friend-zone girls feels,
Shopping girls love the mall.

Smoker girls pots' laced,
Indecisive girls choice,
Slim girls tiny waist,
Choir girls small voice.

Two girls, like magnets, forever pulling – pulling – pulling
Two girls, like magnets, forever slamming – slamming – slamming
Two girls, forever dancing, but forever dancing to a different song
Two girls, forever singing, but forever singing a different song
Two girls, always loving, but never trusting
Two girls, quick to fighting and slow to apologizing
Two girls, always fighting – fighting – fighting

Two girls, insecure and never trusting
Two girls, never knowing their strengths
Two girls never knowing where they stand
Two girls, who will never stop loving
Two girls, who will never stop dancing
However, two girls, still fighting – fighting – fighting
Two girls, still forgiving – forgiving – forgiving

Two girls, forever tapping
Two girls, forever singing
Two girls, but one never laughing
Two girls, still loving
Yet, two girls, still fighting – fighting – fighting

One girl, cannot fight anymore
One girl, emotionally spent to one end
One girl, not knowing who she is
One girl, not knowing where she stands
One girl, with pain unbearable
One girl, who continues loosing – losing – losing

One girl, tries to hold on until her grip begins failing
One girl, says goodbye for the last time
One girl, forever mourning the loss of a friend
One girl, never to ask, “do you want to skip to the tree,” again
However, still, both girls remain loving the other, even though their lives may never combine again

This one is for my pretty girls
For the girls who count calories
And tell their friends they aren’t hungry
So they can see their pretty bones
This one is for my pretty girls
The girls who sit shaking on their bathroom floors
With pain in their hearts and knifes in their hands
So they paint pretty marks on themselves
This one is for my pretty girls
Those who were born boys
And get slammed into lockers and yelled slurs at
Yet still try their hardest to be
One of the pretty girls they’re meant to be
This one is for my pretty girls
The ones who always looks uncomfortable in class
Sitting by the man who makes them queasy
So they don’t make a pretty fuss
This one is for my pretty girls
Who sneak out to pride parades
And ignore the word *** tattooed into their binders
So they could love other pretty girls
This one is for my pretty girls
Whose arms flinch when grabbed
And bodies shudder when voices raise
So they can be daddy’s pretty girl
This one is for my pretty girls
Who don’t talk about after parties
And don’t tell their friends or parents
So they aren’t called pretty little *****
This one is for my pretty girls
The ones who tempt fate and take pills
Take jokes about hating themselves too far
So they can try and get their pretty sleep
This one is for my pretty girls
The ones who cry out when they need help
But no one answers because no one hears them
And they can’t speak
And they can’t breathe
And there’s tears rolling down their cheeks
But they do nothing
This one is for my broken girls
My girls like me
This one is for my strong girls
My girls that haven’t given up
This one is for the pretty girls
My beautiful, beautiful girls

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who scream into their pillows at night, cuz **** it! No one listens

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who have forgotten what trust is, cuz **** it! No one cares

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who spend all night listening to songs that remind them of theirsituation, cuz **** it! No one understands

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who occupy all their time thinking about that one person, cuz **** it! They'll never be hers

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who put on a face every day, cuz **** it! No one can handle who they are

Real girls
Strong girls
Girls who push through every day, cuz **** it! No one makes it better, cuz **** it! They keep trying, but **** it! The rainbow won't appear and life doesn't become happy again....

Real girls
Strong girls

**** THAT!!!!!

I ain't real and I ain't strong!

that first conversation we had
sitting on those steps, you said
girls like us would never feel ok
around girls like them
because although the Italian masters
would have died for us, they
glow with the modern gifts nature's given them:
that smooth skin, those skinny hips.
and though we know our curves
are what keep the world turning and strong,
those low-maintenance, able-to-be-braless,
everything-fits girls drive us mad.
we can be as beautiful, as talented as we want,
and we won't feel like their equals.
no matter how sad we are, no matter
how dramatic or self-centered, we will never
be the indie rom com leads. we will never
see a reflection of ourselves, because we
just don't fit the stupid standard.
we will never effortlessly
possess ourselves they way they do,
we will never hold the air of mystery
girls like them have been handed.
the girls and boys we are drawn to, fatally
invested in, we are convinced that they
will never think of us as cool
in the same way girls like them are cool. we can
say and do whatever we can,
but at the end of the day, we are too real,
too honest, too emotional, too grounded.
we are the friend and never the lover,
the sidekick but never the wife. films
lie: the girl with a zit gets her dream boy! but
only after becoming like them.
never girls like us. only girls like them.
I can't believe I believed that it was ever
their fault.
girls like them, girls with long hair
and ribcages you can see, girls
with gaps between their thighs
that you can measure, girls
who haven't done anything
for their beautiful - those girls
and we girls and girls beyond
and in between, we're all lied to,
we're all forced constantly,
impossibly into boxes,
paraphrased by catcalls, diminished
into the nothingness that is the word
"baby" shouted at you by a stranger
across the street at 2PM when you're
just walking home from class.
and it doesn't matter what you look like,
doesn't matter how short you cut your hair,
how many tattoos you get
just trying to reclaim your own skin,
there will always be a man
that thinks, however briefly, that
you belong to him.
who gives a **** about girls like them
being better than girls like us,
or girls like you, or girls who were once men?
at the end of the day, we all have it worse,
and you can be bitter, or you can understand
that the "us" and "them" is a lie,
invented to distract so that
we'll fight each other, tooth and nail,
for the sake of men.
there are no girls like them.

hand slaps shoulder knee rhythmically that’s called hamming the bone sitting on a street curb singing making up lyrics i got a transitor sister loves cossack named jake he rides Cherokee chopper all he’s ever known is hate he’s going down underground where a man can be a man wrestle alligators live off the land ebb flow i don’t know racing chasing hair-pin turning at 150 miles per hour downshift to 3rd spread the word sweet sour naked flower touching skin deep within defies all sin with a grin speed speed speed all i need i’m getting off coming on you tawny scrawny bow-legged pigeon-toed knock-kneed Don Juan Ponce de Leon Aly Khan all wrapped up into one going to have ******* good time good time tonight i feel like an orphan mom and dad seem so far away tonight i feel like an orphan you make me feel this way hand slaps shoulder knee rhythmically hand bone hand bone

Odyseuss drifts job to job construction worker office assistant waiter whatever he does not understand how road to recognition works continues showing portfolio to art dealers but they react indifferently he does not know how to attain notice in art world begins to suspect there is no god watching over souls instead he imagines infinite force juggling light darkness creation destruction love hate Mom and Dad insist he can earn respectable income if only he will learn commodity futures like cousin Chris Mom says you can work down at the exchange and paint on the side a part of Odysseus wants desperately to please his parents he considers perhaps Mom is right for the time being maybe build up nest egg it seems like sensible plan he wonders why Dad and Mom never speak about money how to save manage they treat the subject as forbidden topic Odysseus has no idea what Dad or Mom earn or investment strategies Odysseus is about to make serious mistake the decision to get job working at commodity exchange needs deeper examination why is he giving in to his parents what attracts him to commodities trading is it Chris’s achievement and the money? does Odysseus honestly see himself as a winning trader or does it simply look like big party with lots of rich men pretty young girls is that where he wants to be why is he giving up on his dream to be a great artist does it seem too impossible to reach who makes him think that? is he going to give up on his true self? he halfheartedly follows his parent’s advice begins working as runner at Chicago Mercantile Exchange several friends including Calexpress disloyalty for entering straight world commodity markets are not exactly straight in 1978 clearing firms pay adequately hours are 8 AM to 2 PM over course of next 6 months Odysseus runs orders out to various trading pits cousin Chris rarely acknowledges Odysseus maybe Chris feels need to protect his image of success perhaps in front of his business associates Chris is embarrassed by Odysseus’s menial rank and goof-off attitude maybe Chris senses what a terrible mistake Odysseus has made

Chicago suffers harsh winter in February Roman Polanski skips bail in California flees to France in April President Carter postpones production of neutron bomb which kills people with radiation leaving buildings intact in October Yankees win World Series defeating Dodgers in November Jim Jones leads mass-****** suicide killing 918 people in Jonestown Guyana in December in San Francisco Dianne Feinstein succeeds murdered Mayor George Moscone in Chicago John Wayne Gacy is arrested

darkness descends upon Odysseus his heart is not into commodity business more accurately he hates it he loathes battleship gray color of greed envy he resents prevailing overcast of misogyny he meets many pretty girls yet most of them are only interested in catching a trader it is rumored numerous high rolling traders hire young girls for sole purpose of morning ******* remainder of day girls are free to mingle run trivial errands commodity traders typically trash females it is primitive hierarchy Odysseus bounces from one clearing firm to another then moves to Chicago Options Exchange then Chicago Board of Trade on foyer wall just outside trading floor hangs bronze plaque commemorating all men who served in World War 2 Uncle Karl’s name is on that plaque Daddy Pat bought his son seat hoping to set him up after war Uncle Karl’s new wife wanted to break away from Chicago persuaded him to sell seat move to California Uncle Karl bought car wash outside Los Angeles with Daddy Pat’s support Mom and Dad encourage assure Odysseus commodities business is right choice they promise to buy him full seat on exchange if he continues to learn markets they feel certain he can be saved from his artistic notions the markets are soaring in profits cousin Chris is riding waves a number of Chris’s friends are sons of parents who belong to same clubs dine at same restaurants as Mom and Dad Odysseus is not alpha-male like Chris Odysseus is a dreamer painter poet writer explorer experimenter unlike Chris who has connections Odysseus starts out as runner then gets job holding deck for yuppie brokers in Treasury Dollar trading pit Odysseus holds buy orders between index and middle fingers sell orders in last 2 fingers arranged by time stamp price size in other hand holds nervous pencil he stands step below boss in circular pit in room size of football field full of raised pits everything is traded cattle hogs pork bellies all currencies gold numbers flash change instantaneously in columns on three high walls fourth wall is glass with seats behind for spectators thousands of people rush around delivering orders on telephones flashing hand signals shouting offers quantities every moment every day calls come in frantically from all around world space is organized chaos sometimes not so organized fortunes switch hands in nano-seconds it is global fiscal battleground rallies to up side or breaks to down side send room into hollering pushing shoving hysteria central banks financial institutions kingpin mobsters with political clout daring entrepreneurs old thieves suburban rich kids beautiful people pretty young females abound big guns **** in same air stand next to low-ranking runners everyone flirts sweats sneezes knows inside they are each expendable Odysseus is spellbound by sheer force magnitude he feels immaterial only grip is his success with girls it is not conscious talent he grins girls grin back Chris’s trader friends recognize Odysseus’s ability they push him to introduce girls to them it is way for Odysseus to level playing field he has no money or high opinion of himself he simply knows how to hook up with girls

1979 January Steelers defeat Cowboys at Super Bowl Brenda Ann Spencer kills 2 faculty wounds 8 students responds to incident “i don't like Mondays” in February Khomeini seizes power in Iran in March Voyager space-probe photographs Jupiter’s rings a nuclear power plant accident occurs at Three Mile Island Pennsylvania in May Margaret Thatcher is elected Prime Minister in England in Chicago American Airlines flight 191 crashes killing 273 people in November Iran hostage crisis begins 90 hostages 53 of whom are American in December Soviet Union invades Afghanistan 1980 in November Ronald Reagan defeats Jimmy Carter one year since Iran hostage crisis began

he meets good-looking younger girl named Monica on subway heading home from work he has seen her running orders on trading floor she is tall slender with long dark brown hair in ponytail pointed nose wide mouth innocent face she confides her estranged father is famous Chicago mobster Odysseus recognizes his name they talk about how much they dislike markets arrant disparity of wealth between traders and themselves Odysseus says i hate feeling of being so disposable worthless Monica replies yeah me too he tells her if i was a girl i’d ******* myself to several handsome generous traders Monica acknowledges that’s an interesting idea but who? how? which traders? do you know? he answers yeah i know exactly who and how Monica says if you’re serious i’m in i have a girlfriend named Larissa who might also be interested i’ll call Larissa tonight following day Monica approaches Odysseus at work agrees to meet at his place after markets close that afternoon Monica and Larissa show up eager to learn more about Odysseus’s scheme Larissa is petite built like a gymnast giggly light brown hair younger than Monica he lays it all out for them cousin Chris and his buddies the money ******* both girls are quite lovely he suggests they rehearse with him he will coach them on situations settings techniques girls consent for 4 weeks every afternoon they meet at Odysseus’s place get naked play out different scenarios he shows girls how to pose demure at first then display themselves skillfully fingers delicately pulling open ***** spreading wide apart buns working hidden muscles he directs each to take up numerous positions tasks techniques then has them switch places he teaches them timing starting slow gradually building up rhythms stirring into passionate frenzy having two mouths four hands creates novel sets of possibilities one girl attends his front while other excites his rear he positions them side-by-side so he can penetrate any of all four holes he stacks them one on top of the other many other variations after reaching ****** several times making sure to reciprocally satisfy their eager needs Odysseus dismisses girls until following day finally after month of practice Monica and Larissa feel confident proficient primed Odysseus arranges for girls to meet with 2 traders through Chris most traders have nicknames Twist who is hosting event is notoriously wild insatiable on opening night Odysseus behaves like concerned father Larissa and Monica each bring several dresses and pairs of shoes Odysseus helps them choose suggests Monica ease up on make-up he styles Larissa’s hair instructs Monica to call him when they arrive again when they leave he requests they return directly to his place Monica wears hair pulled back in French twist pearl earrings sleek little black dress black stiletto heels she stands several inches above Odysseus Larissa wears braided pigtails pink low-scooped leotard brown plaid wool kilt just above knees brown suede cowboy boots he kisses each on lips then pats their butts warns them to be careful mindful Monica winks Larissa giggles more than an hour passes as Odysseus sits wondering why he has not heard from girls suddenly reality hits he does not want to be commodities trader and certainly not a **** this is not how he wants to be known or remembered Odysseus wants to be a painter and writer Monica and Larissa are good sweet girls whom he has misguided he calls Twist’s place Twist answers Odysseus asks to speak with Monica when she comes to phone he questions are you all right Monica answers yes we’re fine we’re having a fantastic time why are you calling what’s wrong he explains you were suppose to call me when you arrived i began to worry i think maybe this whole arrangement is a bad idea i want you to call it off and come back home i don’t want either of you to become prostitutes i love you both and don’t want to be associated with dishonoring you Monica says it’s a little late to call it off but we’ll see you when we’re done kissy kiss bye Odys another hour passes then another he frets wondering what they are doing after 4 hours as he is about to call Twist’s house again doorbell rings Monica and Larissa both giggling beaming Odysseus can spot they have a coke buzz Monica announces you should be proud of us Odys we got each of them off 2 times we left them stone-numb and tapped out the girls open their purses each slaps 5 hundred dollar bills unto table Monica says this is your cut Odys we both got a thousand for ourselves he replies i can’t touch that money we need to sit down and talk Monica demands no talking Odys take off your clothes he insists i’m serious Monica i’m never going to send you out again Larissa claims there’s no turning back for me i had too much fun Monica  pleads come on Odys we’ll be good we promise now take off your clothes Twist and his buddy never attended to our needs i’m ***** as hell Larissa where’s that little bottle of dust Twisty handed you

Chicago Monday night December 8 1980 Cal and Odysseus sit at North End they're on 4th round feeling buzz the place is lively adorned with holiday decorations Cal says you’ve changed Odysseus questions what do you mean? how? Cal says the commodity markets and your cousin and his friends they’ve changed you when was the last time you painted Odys? are you dealing coke Odysseus looks Cal in the eyes answers they’re so ******* rich Cal you can’t believe it one drives a black Corvette Stingray another a ******* Delorean anything they want they buy girls cars clothes condos boats yeah i’m dealing coke to Chris’s friends it’s my only leverage remember the Columbian dude Armando we met at tittie bar? i score from him and keep it clean Chris’s buddies pay up for the quality i don’t remember my last painting maybe the black painting i never finished after breaking up with Reiko Lee a girl falls off bar stool crashing to floor at other end of bar Cal says Odys, you better play it careful you’re messing with the devil got any blow on you suddenly bar grows quiet someone turns up TV volume they watch overhead as news anchorman speaks slow solemn camera pans splattered puddle of blood pieces of broken glass on steps to Dakota Building Cal looks to Odysseus John Lennon has been murdered Cal waits for Odysseus to say something tear rolls down cheek Cal glances away stares down at floor they drink in silence

good girls
are not supposed to
get angry
or raise their voices
when they argue
or argue at all
in the first place.

good girls
are not supposed to
wear ripped jeans
or tight shirts
or say the word “****.”
good girls
are not supposed to
even think about *******.

and here I am,
having already used
the word “****”
three times in this poem.

good girls
are not supposed to
get plastered
on school nights
or tipsy before classes
or listen to music
with the volume
cranked all the way up.

good girls
are not supposed to
know which windows
make the least noise
when they’re sneaking out
or know where they can
buy cheap alcohol underage
or know who they can kiss
and where to kiss them
to get what they want.

good girls
are supposed to
smile silently and be pure
and go to church
or wherever they pray
to cleanse their filthy souls.

good girls
are supposed
to believe in
and put their trust in
and have faith in a god.

good girls
are supposed to
expect this god to
keep them away from harm,
and to never learn how to
keep themselves safe
if this god fails to.

good girls
are not supposed to
act anything like me.

the only thing
I have ever truly
believed in is poetry.

I outgrew religion by
the time I turned seventeen,
long before then
if I’m being honest.

I never turned to prayer for
advice on how to live my life.

I never turned to anyone
but myself.

I only consulted the bible
when I needed inspiration
for some tragic poem.

good girls
are not supposed to
write poetry
the way that I
write poetry.

good girls
never speak of or write about
*** and drugs and violent minds
and suicide and more ***
and broken hearts.

good girls
don’t sing along to
the lyrics of sad songs
in front of open windows
just for the ******* sake of it.

but good girls
don’t realize that life is short
until it’s too late.

good girls don’t ever
get to feel alive.

a girl like me
who gets into trouble
and refuses to stay quiet
and causes a scene
everywhere she goes
is not a good girl.

a girl like me
might be too reckless
and die too young.

but a girl like me
will die with no regrets
and plenty of memories
and so many *******
stories to tell.

a girl like me
will live the life that
good girls dream of,
but never get to talk about.