Growling and hissing, a storm formed along the road, portending the merging of the chaos that had been gripping our minds for months. This day, this type of day, we could have dreamed up in the novel of our love affair. The conversation along our drive into the country was as full and ***** as all other tête-à-têtes shared in our two months together. We were never at a loss for words and his conversation had been more educated than the older men I had dated since the divorce. I was forever astonished at him and with him.
The first time I met him, I was sitting behind my desk and planning for another monotonous day of office politics and all the drama connected. Lost in thought, I sipped coffee and read emails until, there was - him. He opened my office door with such fervor and drama, I knew someone had just entered into my life that would leave me forever changed, and I welcomed it. A mess of auburn hair, neither combed nor styled and yet quite fitting, haloed around his head and gave the visage of an angel. He had a freckled nose and cheeks with blue eyes staring from behind all that wildness and they were the only calming feature about him. I turned my head and grimaced a bit, “how dare someone charge into my office as if to own it”. “How can I help you?” made its way from my lips with a bit of a sigh. And he smiled, that smile which would make his face even younger and more deceptively angelic.
“Hello” danced off his lips and in two syllables was able to sound singsong and my anger soon turned to anticipation. He introduced himself as Parker and explained his new position as Junior Editor. He went on to say someone instructed him to introduce himself to me since I was Senior Project Manager for the organization. His fervent entrance into my office had sent a gush of wind that disheveled my tidy desk and his wide blue eyes looked around at the chaos he had rendered. He seemed unable to offer apologies, and I soon learned this was his way. His confident facade prevented admission of mistakes and the word “sorry” could not escape the tightness of his will to be correct. This was my lover’s way and it was the structure built that only wrecking ***** could destroy.
As is expected of me, I extended my hand to welcome him, overmuch aware of my grip and strength in presenting my hand, I felt the need to dominate the grip. I was a woman in a senior position inside the male dominated echelon of upper management. I took his hand and with rehearsed quickness attempted to demonstrate my dominance, my superiority. It was then, the first time I saw a devil behind his angelic face and I remember my expression churned up my secret thoughts. He saw my eyes searching those thoughts and delight shone from his blue eyes like cold fire and I was burned. Our hands soon contorted into a dance of dominance with fingers twisting as if in a finger shadow play. No time for games or plays for control, I simply took the shake he offered and turned towards my coffee, my drama, my emails and without looking at him welcomed him again and gave a wave of dismissal. He greeted my brush-off with a laugh and made his way to the chair in front of my desk. He was tall and the light from behind silhouetted his broad shoulders and upright posture. He was confident and sure. His clothes were expensive, well-tailored and not at all the measure for his age. He had a style about him and I believe it came as naturally to him as did the confidence in which he clothed himself.
I wanted to be angry at his overconfidence, his interruption, his disregard. I was, instead, amused but annoyed. He sensed he was beginning to irritate me and it seemed to delight him. He would speak without taking a breath, eager to finish his thoughts, aware perhaps that time could steal the moment away and he would forever wonder. He spoke with an accent I did not fully recognize and attempted to invite me to lunch or even coffee. My lover was bold.
I was succeeding in this corporate world, my world. I was not ready to lose my focus for a moment alone with the delightful creature staring back at me, awaiting the “yes” he expected would be my answer. He was a man who did not accept the “no’s”. He would get what he wanted and would wait in predator mode until his prey was wounded, weak, ready. He was not a predator in the malevolent sense, more in the need for survival mentality. He would lift the wounded and weak above the limits of their afflictions and a “yes” would flow from their lips in fond gratitude. Today I was not a “yes” and it did not feel like a final answer. Somehow, I knew one day I would be naked with this man, my lover. I knew I would take him inside me, and he would show me how to love in ways I had never known. The “no’ and the explanations of the “no” exuded from my lips, and I could see him grow even more eager to know me. He would learn the stories of my life from rumors and talk. He would learn of my divorce, of the men I dated with expensive homes and cars. He would hear about the occasional woman who would occupy my bed. I had wished all of it to be true but only the divorce was correct. I was not exceptional or exciting. I was driven and focused.
He stood there hearing my “no” with the sun behind him igniting the fire in his hair with his shoulders pinned back exposing his sculpted chest. He stood there and allowed the silence after my rejection to hover the room, and there it was. We locked eyes, and neither could emancipate from the other. I wondered who he was and what he looked like naked in the morning with his disheveled hair, and we stared, locked in our gaze until my phone rang signaling the end of round one.
Wrapped in my shawl, I moved between sipping coffee, as was my usual, and typing on my laptop. He was behind me in the cabin. I felt him approaching and knew he would quickly whisk me away from the overwhelming din of office emails and calls. His presence behind me now was no longer disquieting but natural.
The cabin had been his grandfathers and he had a noticeable pride about it when showing me through the door and gateway to his childhood memories. He had a smile on his face I had never seen. I delighted in how young it made his face appear, almost as if the childhood memories possessed him and he became the blithe youth here with his grandfather.
It was fall at the cabin and the smell of musk and rotting leaves and ozone from the storm, filled the cabin and each deep breath was taking in a memory from my youth. I was happy to be here with him and yet afraid. Two months we flirted and touched over our shared lunches, eager to get inside each other physically, mentally. The office was replete with stories of the happenings between the older woman executive and the younger up and coming man, how he must be using her to advance his career and how she was using him to heal the wounds of her recent divorce. We heard these stories and watched them grow to the point we ended our touching, our flirting. Soon the denial of our feelings and time apart turned to foreplay. Soon there were stares across conference rooms, perceptive smiles as we crossed paths. The total of it led us to this moment, to time alone together for the first time, this time.
Fall in the country was the vangaurd to a glorious death. The earth would explode with color announcing its final breath and moment upon the stage and we had arrived during the final bow and curtain call. Trees draped in gold - and red - and orange heralded the fire to come and we too were ready to pour forth in glorious blaze and inferno. During the entire ride into the country an ironical mist of dew and rain dotted the windshield as if nature attempted to douse the desires clawing to escape in each other’s arms. There was a devil sitting next to me and I had to smile as his auburn hair blended so naturally with the landscape. I was obviously lost in thought and he looked at me and asked if I was okay. Him next to me, him crookedly smiling at me.
“It’s nothing. It’s just nice to see you in your element.” My replay was short but my heart was beating so hard I was almost afraid he could see it bouncing behind my blouse, so I began to cover up but was met with his hand before I even reached the edge of my coat.
“No. I want to see you.” His voice was soft but demanding and strong. Often there were hints of a struggle for power between us. His youth and position within the company prevented me from accepting his seriousness and his face would ***** into a grimace. I never gave it much thought other than a bit of a nuisance. His hand led mine to my lap, and I expected him to hold it, but he let go with a smile. I enjoyed his show of power but refused to reveal a glint of it for fear I would lose the respect and control necessary over a subordinate.
Soon the cabin filled with the sounds of rain and thunder and as I stared out the window jealous of the drops of rain and their randomness, he touched my shoulder and looked down at me with his eyes bluer than wild lupine. I smiled a painful smile and he knew I was overthinking the moment. Taking my hand, he brought me to his chest and into his arms, arms that would embrace all of me and at times felt as if they could wrap around me twice. I placed my head on his chest and began to reach for his belt. The *** I had known was always routine. This was expected, that was not allowed. I fell into that routine naturally and was happy to oblige his needs in order to meet mine. He kissed my forehead and still holding one hand, led me to the door of the cabin. “What are we do…” He stopped me with a single “shhh” from his lips. I followed him and felt myself shiver. I was not sure if I was shivering in fear or from the nip of fall air.
“Don’t be afraid. You have nothing to fear from me. There’s no need to shiver my little poppet.” He stepped back from me and stared as if I were a tiny bird in need of nestling back into its home. “I’ve never seen you afraid.” He touched my cheek and I felt so small and helpless, lost from home, and he was the only way back. With a smile he took my hand and led me outside to the rain, lifting his face and savoring the drops bouncing off his cheeks.
“W..w..what are you doing?” I was trembling now and wondered if I had misjudged this man and he was in fact a lunatic ready to strangle me to my death. My silk blouse, now drenched, clung to my ******* exposing an imprint of lace from my bra. He reached for my shawl and pulled it off my shoulders. He was looking at me so lovingly my body and mind calmed and I was once again in the moment. Our moment. This moment.
His face, stern now, official, his mouth opening with such deliberateness that I was sure he had been in this situation before. Once again my mind wanted to race to thoughts of not being good enough or that I was too old or too plain. His voice pierced my thoughts and brought me to attention. “There will be no talking unless I tell you to. Nod if you understand”
My mind wanted to slap him with reminders of my superiority to him at work, how he was MY subordinate and how dare he. My mouth would not open and my head began to nod in understanding. My body and mind were bending to his will and acting upon his orders. Shivering gave way to shaking now and I wanted to run to the warmth of the cabin and watch the fire burn the logs to a black crisp and wake up in his arms naked and giggling.
Having seen my compliant nod, he began to speak. “Undress.” One word. One word in response to the shaking mess of a woman standing in the rain, cold and afraid. My hands were barely able to form the necessary movements to reach for the top button of my blouse. I did not want to fail him or appear as if I were unfamiliar with tales of ***** men overpowering and having their way with a willing lover. My fingers moved quickly now, wanting to end the scene and move on to the *******. He stared. He did not blink. He did not nod or move. He was enjoying every subtlety of me. He was pleased. I was a willing participant in his fantasy. Nothing made me happier than to please him. I began to feel hot and something inside me broke. Was it my will, my pride, my fears? I was not sure, but I felt alive. Every thirsty pore of my skin opened up and lapped at the rain so very eager to feel it on my skin and the randomness of the drops was no longer something I envied but something in which I participated.
My hands began to tug my blouse free from my skirt and the wet silk now draped over my hips like curtains, revealing the curves I was so painfully aware of hiding to keep anyone from noticing my *** and concentrate upon my words and actions. I knew now I had one button remaining before I would, for the first time, display myself to him. He did not flinch, rather, he maintained his stare and for a second I pleaded to him with my eyes not to expect me to do this. He was resolute. I spread open the soft, wet cloth and began to drape it off my shoulders. I let it slide from my wrists, then fingertips, then to the ground blissfully unconcerned that my Hermes blouse was now draped over wet grass and mud.
I looked down at my skin dripping and alive with goosebumps. I had bought this bra in anticipation of this moment, in fear of this moment. White lace bra and perfectly matched ******* were demonstrative of my control over even the small details. My skirt was loose and heavy with the rain. It was low on my waist and lay just below the navel leaving me the most exposed I had ever been with him. I reached to touch the button on the back of my skirt. Undone, I slipped my fingers along with the zipper feeling each click of the tiny teeth holding together the disguise of a powerful woman. My hands traced the banded edge of the skirt pushing it over my hips allowing it to fall to the ground.
His face looked stern but pleased, stoic and fixed. I was in my bra, ******* and stilettos now. I began to reach for the hinged part of my bra when he stopped me. “No. Stop.” He walked over to me. He was close now and I was so cold I could feel heat from his body. I wanted to kiss his lips, his full lips, but I did not move. I knew now the rules and I would do only what was asked of me. I stood rigid with no flinching. I waited for any words that would pass from lips to ear. He did not speak but leaned into me and reached over my right shoulder undoing the chignon in my hair. He draped my shoulders with strands of liquid filament. He took his time there, placing each strand in the exact order in which he was pleased. With two steps back, he looked at my wet hair with the deliberate strands, as if he had created a masterpiece and for a moment I was unsure if the artwork he saw was me or his work.
“Now be still. Allow me to touch you, to admire you, my beautiful Moira.” When he said my name even after these two months, he had the ability of saying it as if he were speaking it in serenade and for the first time. He moved his hands to my back and unlinked my bra, one hook at a time with such dexterity I knew he must be a professional at *******. He, who was to be my first professional lover. He slid both straps off my shoulders, then taking my hands towards my abdomen, he slid the straps forward on my arms. Lifting my hands, he demanded I keep them out and straight. Me, the student to the professional, complied without question. He bound my wrists with the lace bra, the bra I had bought just to please him, then lifted my arms above my head. “You will keep your hands up until I tell you to move.”
I had become his toy. I knew in this moment, I no longer existed for me, I was his, completely and entirely, and I abandoned myself to the rain, to the cold, to his gaze, realizing that surrendering to his urges strengthened me. He turned and walked away. He took a seat in an Adirondack chair and even it looked small in his presence. “On your elbows and knees,” he spoke matter-of-factly. Just five minutes ago, the struggle inside me to have the appearance of strength, would have denied me this happiness, this happiness to be free in his command. “Now crawl to me, please. Slowly.”
I did not care to be in the mud. I wanted it. I wanted to please him. First to my knees, leaving an indention in the clay, then awkwardly at first, onto my elbows with my hands still tied at the wrist. Crawling on my elbows, my back was arched with my waist higher than my head, giving him a view of the thong I had chosen only for this moment, my succeeding moment. My position felt ungainly. I looked to his face for approval. “No. You cannot look at me”, he commanded. For a moment I felt I had lost his approval and self-doubt harried my brain. My will to please was resolute. I faced the ground, once again aware of the randomness of nature, the power of nature, how things in nature will do as they are told. The reed is told to bend. It does. It does not question why but responds in its way. Rivers do not question why they are shaped. They just continue with powerful current. I was the reed. I was the river. I did not question.
Face towards the ground, I could see the mud forming on my body, molding to my shape then rinsing with the rain. It repeated. Mud. Rain. Mud. Rain. This was the cadence to my crawl. I arrived at his knees and waited there, a dog eager for a command from its master. I was content to watch the rain beat ripples around his feet, splashing and shining his shoes with glossy drops. “I cannot love you”, I thought to myself, “this is forbidden”. “Being here in this moment, is forbidden.” We would have this moment. Yes. We could create this memory and think back on it in fondness and with both heaviness and happiness. I would remember my young lover, my professional lover. He would remember the obedient executive on her knees. I would not regret our moment. I would some day write it all down in my journal and press the pen deep into the paper. It had to be etched, those words, my words, this memory.
His hand below my chin, lifted my gaze to his and he smiled, that smile, his smile, the smile that was like nature to my body, and I did not ask why. I was a river being formed. “You are so beautiful. All of you. Your skin so soft and pale. Your eyes moving from fear to acceptance. I see now you want to please me and I want you to know that I want to make you happy. I want to be your lover. I want to taste your lips kissed with rain and feel your shivering body pulled against me. You are safe. I will not hurt you. Poppet. I love you. I have for awhile now, and I think you know it. You, my wise, wise Moira.” He lifted me up and for a moment pulled my body towards him burying his face in my abdomen. He lingered there. I felt how soft his red tufts of hair were and how soft his words were against my ears. I loved him too. Genuinely. Profoundly. I was afraid.
He inhaled deeply, there against my stomach, as if he were breathing in my essence. I felt his breath turn from warm to cold against me as it mixed with rain. He stretched his arms and moved my body backwards as he extended until I was a foot away from him. “I would very much like to undress you, poppet. I’ve been imagining it, aching for it. I want to see all of you, naked and on display.” He touched my abdomen with the tips of his fingers, as if afraid the pale china of my skin would disintegrate into a misty dream. I relished it, the touch of him against parts of me he had not known. I was always able to keep him at a distance, physically. His hands traced the edge of my *******. He moved slowly, and I knew he was wanting to etch this memory into his journal. Nothing less than ink pressed hard to paper would release this memory to time. His placed his hands on my hips and spun me around, my thong lining up with his gaze. “Bend over.” His voice from sweet to demanding again.
My hands were still bound, and I stumbled at first. He seemed not to notice or to care, so I arched my back and pushed myself outward and into his view. I felt his hands move from my thighs to my hips as gentle as summer winds that in their seductiveness turn our faces towards the impact. I was in my forties and unsure how I would compare to the twenty-year-old’s he was known to date. The gossip left nothing to imagination and everything to speculation. My mind had conjured images of him, this professional lover, inside the firm thighs of a youthful companion. Thoughts transformed to pleasure as the nature that was his hands took dominance over the thin lace that hid the only piece of me left unseen. I became art in his hands, marble statue, exquisite with textures and curves wanting to be touched.
The lace scraped my skin as he slid the *******, wet and splashed with earth, over the expanse of my hips and down to the ground at my ankles. “Step out of them.” He helped free my ankles, and I saw the delicate lace become one with the earth as the rain beat it into the mud. This was freedom. This was me with nature, me with my lover. I was the reed and he was the wind.
I was keenly aware of his eyes fixated on the valley of my mound, how my cheeks spread just enough to give hints of the pinkest of my flesh, now swollen and ripe. “Turn around.” I heard his voice and could tell the bombardment of rain was making it difficult to speak.
I turned and began to ***** my body when I felt his hand on my back. “No, poppet. You must stay this way until I say stand.” My body ached to be touched by him, by more than fingers and hands, but this, the anticipation, the wanting of it all, this was the skill of a professional lover. I saw the earth drowned with a thick layer of rain now, and my shoes made splatters and ripples as I turned towards him. I was cold now, too cold, unaware cold, numb in my cold. I was happy to feel it. I had for too long hid from rain, this glorious rain. Now, I was one with the rain. I was the river coursing its path as commanded by nature.
He took my hands and untied them. I watched the entire progression of it and I felt his presence now even more. My hands were free, and I stared at my shoes and his shoes. I was so small in his presence. “Stand for me, poppet.” His voice diffused through the rain and seemed softer now. I stood there in my nakedness and he delighted in it. My lover was not afraid and moved his head along with his eyes. It was easy to know where upon my body his gaze had landed. He seemed to linger the most on my face, and I thought how odd it was as most men concentrated on my ******* or mound. My lover was different. My lover was professional.
“Poppet, I want you to remove my shirt, but you will not toss it to the ground. You will place it on the chair. Nod if you understand me.” He knew I understood but was confirming I was still in the moment and willing. I obliged him with a nod and without looking at his face, began to unbutton each dot from its hole until he was shirtless before me. His chest was firm and hairless and dotted with unobtrusive freckles as random as the rain. I was delighted. He was beautiful. My lover was beautiful.
He placed one hand on my head, the other on my shoulder. “On your knees for me, poppet.” My knees once again bent for him, and I knelt in the rain, the thick rain and saw my knees again molded in the mud and earth. I was unsure now. Years had passed since I had taken a man inside my mouth. I felt panic, like the river, run a course through me and I started to turn away. But I was resolute. “I will make him happy in all things this day” rang in my ears like a mantra. I watched as he undid his belt and felt it as he wrapped it around my neck two times and pulled the loose end until it was taut but not constricted against my skin. I was his. I was the pet and he was the master. It was official to me now in this symbol. I was leashed and about to be tamed. My lover was going to teach me his skill. I was delighted.
I watched him free the one button on his pants and move to the patterned teeth of the zipper. He rested his pants on his hips and pulled free the thing, that thing, the thing I was craving. The thing I would take inside me, deep inside wherever my master wanted it. I was the river.
He was not large, not small, but thick, surprisingly thick, he was swollen and vascular. I studied the curve of it. The tip, the head. I watched his hand grip it and move it towards my lips. I opened my mouth and took him inside me. He moved his hands to the sides of my head and began to direct me in the movement he needed from me. I studied the thrusts and followed. I moved my tongue, my eager tongue, in unison with the rain and percussion of the drops. I slid him deep inside me devouring and savoring the taste of him. The taste of my lover was satisfying, and I wanted to bring him to completion there in that moment.
We stayed in the rhythm, with the rain, both lost to the moment. He stopped his ****** and lifted my chin. “Moira. My poppet.” He led me to my feet and gave his crooked smile to me. He gave me his smile in that moment, in that second, his smile was mine.
“I love you”, I whispered, unsure he heard me. He lifted me like a child and carried my nakedness to the bed. He placed me there, like a doll. He contemplated my skin in the light of the fire. My lover the wind. My lover the water.
He was soon naked and drops of rain lit up on his body like little mirrors and I could see images of the room and myself reflected in them. He removed the belt from my neck. “We won’t need this. In this moment, you know you are mine. You know I am yours.” We both wrapped our arms around the other, and I felt his skin on mine. His body was hard and moved in perfect form with each muscle flinching the way it should, each squeeze and release in harmony with the other. My pale, soft skin was beautiful contrast to his and was yin and yang. He felt hard and long inside me, so engorged each vein touched the inside of me in a different fashion. We each sealed our mouth on the other unable to drink as deeply as we wanted. We were in our moment, this moment. Alive in the seconds that passed to hours. We were ready to etch ink on the pages telling of how I was the reed and he was the wind and on this day, I did not ask why, I only did as was I was told.