1:12 PM, 21 March 2000 PST
-
11:08 PM, 17 July 2016 PST
My life thus far is not
Defined by my timestamps
I am the negative and positive space
That fills the void between my numbers
Some people are "numbers guys"
I, myself, am a "a-let's-see-what-the-hell-is-in-store-next girl"
So **** the timestamp
11:11 PM. 17 July 2016 PST

Why is it
that I
feel closest to you
when this
simple timestamp
appears before me?

Can you explain this digital phenomenon
that verifies your existence?

That you do
indeed
breath and eat and dream;
that radio silence
is
the most empty sound of all?

Why is it
that I
feel closest to you
when this
simple timestamp
appears before me?

For if I had to choose
I would choose to think you were a coward
A coward to up and run
Because I so badly want to believe in the notion called love
Something I have believed in for so long
But it begins to fade as I desperately try to grasp it
As fragments of it remain
I try to crush it in anger
I begin hating my ridiculous beliefs
I always said you saved me from myself
You just picked me up
I tripped over my notion of love
****** bruises and scars that will remain
As you just dust off and walk away
Time heals everything you say
I tear myself apart, ripping through the wounds
Punishing myself for my stupidity
Falling for the notion of love
This relationship but had a timestamp
You were just meant to be a refreshing chapter, I will convince myself
Because I am scared I might not believe in love again.

Fell asleep under clouds and I woke up here.
Fell asleep under clouds and I woke up here.
With a timestamp expired under looming storms.
The bleeding Spring never leaves
the rainy shores,
When I only wanna
                         live in the Autumn
of two-thousand-and-twelve--
in the days and the hours
before my guts soured.
when my hollow heart leaked down
                          shaking legs
                   into small town streets
                   and I forgot myself.

In the dregs of my doubts.
In the bouts of a cowardly man
                                unqualified
to carry your baggage
                         from the airport in Billings
to the bottom of my parents' stairs.

You stared hard that night
through the North Dakota Winter
and suburban blight.
November air
chilled my lungs and my breathing stopped.

In my Lillingtons hoodie,
I stood sad and shivering
and watched you drive away
through an assaulting army of falling snowflakes.
                            the last words
                  that you'd say to me were--
the last words that you'd say to me were

"I hope you're happy, you stupid scumbag.
No one will ever love you again."

"I hope you're happy, you ******* scumbag.
No one will ever love you again."

Fell asleep in a glass and I woke up here.
Fell asleep by myself and I woke up here.

Topside and turned over,
rising yeast fills the skull with soft wheat.
The rabbit ran dripped in innocence,
mother sat in her chair,
ankles crossed and placed close to its wooden frame.
When the world spoke its truth, no, sang it,
all that pushed through to solidify her words were mused was a timestamp,
A personal account of all that time wasted.
Looking at this reminder of where you haven’t been,
the earth spat in your face
“Vivir y Dejar Vivir!”
But to live means to fight,
maybe not with fists,
words and money will suffice.
As the rabbit ran,
her hands grew sharp,
maybe the time clock stopped,
mother licked her lips
snatched the hare up and said,
"Yes, sure,
born into a life of deceit,
can you see your defeat?"
Plucking meat from her teeth in her cherished, chair seat.

when the timestamp on your watch is
3:33
and for a split second
god shines down
from splintered heavens
and the breath that is silent
expands in my lungs
like a million sighs
like an enlarging balloon
racing to the explosion
I see the rapture in my digitalised smile
the bleeping raises to the crescendo
I feel the robot veins
I feel the steady hands
holding wrists
like ropes writ ready

god smiles like an enlarging balloon
hot and heavy
with bountiful love

but the timestamp flickers
from its devilish perfection
3:33
off the edge
cleaved down in a cliff face
I race on the blade of it
the seconds of sanctimonious breathing
coming to a stop

3:34

Physical cash transactions are final
  But in the digital world non-reversible
      Transactions have not been possible
        Since financial institutions cannot avoid
            Mediating disputes which prevent finality
              The cost of mediation slows enterprise
                  And makes trade and finance complex
                    Therefore
                  We need an electronic payment system
              Based on cryptographic proof, not trust
            Allowing any two parties to transact directly
        With irreversible transactions based on a
      Distributed timestamp server to generate
  Proof of the chronology of the transactions
And thus finality. The solution is Bitcoin

my hatred of hypocrisy, is a strong one
yet I manage to accomplish being one
I said suicide is stupid, maybe I just didn't understand
because finding happiness now, is hard like contraband
and I always complain about everything being a paradox
but right now it couldn't be any more evident
masking the lines in between whether I want to live or die
and for some reason I don't want to live, and I don't want to die
I just want to forget all of this anxiety and build up depression
from moving away from where I was truly happy and my friends
and now I'm stuck in a place where I can't be myself
and that's all I want to be so I am a breathing cry for help
and my poetry, the words and my movies help me getaway
but I'm scared I'll do something stupid if those words don't help me
those realms where I don't have to think about me but instead bleed my emotions until they help me create these words I type to whomever is listening because for some reason I feel like whoever you are, can understand me because it's so hard and last time I tried talking to someone close about this they ran away, or they lied to me because they were scared I'd actually do it

words are power
but I am powerless over the actions I perform whether it's yelling
or wanting to just sink deep into the water
I feel like I have no control over my actions
but I do, it's just built up anger and sadness that eats me away
and these people tell me "your life isn't even bad"
and I have nothing to say in reply
because maybe it isn't
they say "you always got whatever you wanted"
and maybe I was spoiled as a kid, I was an only child
but if I got whatever I wanted, I'd still have people worrying about me,
being there for me and most of all just being happy
and they also tell me my expectations are too high
so I try to lower them, to the point where they're almost non existent
but when I look at that timestamp with you knowing I'm not having a good time and two hours have passed since you've replied and I see you post something in the mean time and I just want you to be happy and be with you but a relationship where only one person can be happy is not a relationship

I want to indulge in my selfishness because I've sacrificed plenty enough for the happiness of my peers and in return I get nothing but a pit of sorrow and broken dreams because I'm stuck in a small town with barely anybody to help me swim through this trench I'm stuck in

vulnerable naked goddess, my one and only temptress
the reflection of insecurity inspires the reflection of you in me
she turns the love ballad into a ****** message (and then it's again reversed)
it flows out of my aura like your odd ***** northern ways  
forever has been trampled one too many times
the timestamp on this union withstands the heated rendezvous of a million grandkids buried in the desert sands    
she'd just feel so lost without you  
(let's never go out of style)