my hatred of hypocrisy, is a strong one
yet I manage to accomplish being one
I said suicide is stupid, maybe I just didn't understand
because finding happiness now, is hard like contraband
and I always complain about everything being a paradox
but right now it couldn't be any more evident
masking the lines in between whether I want to live or die
and for some reason I don't want to live, and I don't want to die
I just want to forget all of this anxiety and build up depression
from moving away from where I was truly happy and my friends
and now I'm stuck in a place where I can't be myself
and that's all I want to be so I am a breathing cry for help
and my poetry, the words and my movies help me getaway
but I'm scared I'll do something stupid if those words don't help me
those realms where I don't have to think about me but instead bleed my emotions until they help me create these words I type to whomever is listening because for some reason I feel like whoever you are, can understand me because it's so hard and last time I tried talking to someone close about this they ran away, or they lied to me because they were scared I'd actually do it

words are power
but I am powerless over the actions I perform whether it's yelling
or wanting to just sink deep into the water
I feel like I have no control over my actions
but I do, it's just built up anger and sadness that eats me away
and these people tell me "your life isn't even bad"
and I have nothing to say in reply
because maybe it isn't
they say "you always got whatever you wanted"
and maybe I was spoiled as a kid, I was an only child
but if I got whatever I wanted, I'd still have people worrying about me,
being there for me and most of all just being happy
and they also tell me my expectations are too high
so I try to lower them, to the point where they're almost non existent
but when I look at that timestamp with you knowing I'm not having a good time and two hours have passed since you've replied and I see you post something in the mean time and I just want you to be happy and be with you but a relationship where only one person can be happy is not a relationship

I want to indulge in my selfishness because I've sacrificed plenty enough for the happiness of my peers and in return I get nothing but a pit of sorrow and broken dreams because I'm stuck in a small town with barely anybody to help me swim through this trench I'm stuck in