twelve

         If i could write a letter to my twelve your old self, i would mention the pain your about to face, with self loathing and mental health is far worse then the years before. I would mention how when you wake up wipe the sleep from your eyes and read this letter and find two people you loved gone from your life forever. When you leave your plastic car framed bed you will find an empty room in the basement. The first loss is not death but abandenment leaves no answer to the sting a heart can feel when your older sister meant to guide you has ran away.  She has left, and to what you shall soon find out, left you to your death. The second loss has less thought to the idea of why? but still i did cry. It was my great grandmothers time. Her slow pace death lead to suffering till one week to the day after i turned twelve.  Emotional asking questions why, three days later i tightened my silk tie putting on a suit and ending the night seeing the casket of one of you. To think of you as dead eased my head for a while but still have to replace my frown with a fake smile. After all i lost a sister, when i needed someone to talk you were never there. Instead i just found myself cutting and dyeing my hair.  This is the year you feel your fathers strong hand as you tremble below it. This is the year you tremble in fear this is the first year you want to die

Thirteen

      To my thirteen year old self, im sorry life doesnt get better. im sorry that this is year your parents admit they don't care.  Im sorry this is the year you hear the three words no one wants or deserves to know their pain. Even though the words "I hate you" Were uttered in vain. Im sorry no one was there to hold you in there arms, im sorry of how when looked in the mirror every morniing after you showered  telling yourself its a new day and the pain is past. Im so sorry of how you found out how long the pain really lasts. Look at what you have achieved though, this is the year you win first in all categories invited to Kick Canada to again win. You achieve a bronze as a group, silver in your weopons, and gold in kickboxing. With you feeling weighed down your still weightless, with your amazing place and the smile on your face to look in the croud hearing the aplause. Somethings missing though your parents no where to be seen. Im sorry they wernt there to say good job im sorry your dads hand still strikes strong. This is the year you say enough though, you say no and strike back your foe. He stands stunned for a minute and walks away, the bruises faded away from the surface, but inside i still see them.  It is the night of my birthday i fall asleep praying tomorow will bring a better year.

Fourteen

     Im sorry this is not the year it gets better, your father never lays another hand to your dismay doesnt matter for his and your mothers word fly freely. This is the year they make you cry, only to insult you further "your nothing, your trash" there tounges did lash me. Til  i crashed under hate to my untimly fate, your mother is sick and you walk into the room as she slashes the blade across her wrist, you watch her bleed amd scream for help but she pretends u dont exsist she  spends the next year and eight monthes in psycitric care. Left in a house with nothing fair in the air my invitation ti nationals came and past i did not go in fear of leaving my mother would effect her more vast, past her yelling at ke eberyday i walked in the light blue room with the curtains always closed filled with gloom . While my mother on her last heartstrings looked for strength from her groom . Only to be filled with hate she saw me as a reminder he exsists and how he doesnt visit but i did. I walked the long path every **** day to see my mothers face still i wasnt good enough but that is just my luck. It is my last night of this age. The house is empty amd quite but still remains okay just praying thiis new year brings joy to the now broken boy.

Fifteen

     This is not the year it gets better neither, but this os the year your mother is released. It took a week for the smiles to wear away. Then i saw once again the skin tare from her flesh. Soon hate took over the tone under her breath and malace mixed with spite is the only thing left of my mother i once knew. This is the year you once again face death, you and your mother are in a car driving counting breaths singing along to eminem, reciting robert frost. when suddenly a car passes us and my mother is crossed the mid age lady on her phone swirving around, not paying atention to anyone or anything i still see her frown. She ran a stop sighn without a thought hit by a garbage truck in front of our eyes now i know the cost of when her cellphone conversation stopped. This was the first time i watched someone die. Still shocked  my mother had to call the abulence as i and the garbage man saw the damage in case she still did breath. In the end blood filled the scene as me amd the garbage man covered the front window with a sheet to protect what is left of this womens dignity. This is the year you fond a little blue pill that not only eases your pain if snorted aslo goves you a thrill. This is the first year that you almost sucsessfully kil.l... yourself going to sleep for this living hell praying next year could be better aswell.

Sixteen

     This year is a self medicated blur, this is the year you forgot who you were. T3s replaced with perks and shots only to be soon replaced with oxys in your black box crushed and lined one at a time up your nose the powder glides. The first night you try an 80 you overdose nearly comitoce as you spew a frothy white  fluid from your mouth but my freinds saved me to this day i dnt know how called said i passed out and cant drive home so my parents could never figure out how i lay on the tiled floor back from death after this a pill is never again accepted that is your debt 2 days to your birthday that cursid day your sober but that was just babby steps and i promise little soilder babby steps you would not regret.

Seventeen

      This is the year you stopped praying for help thinking you did this to yourself i promise it wasnt you. How could it be your still just in youth. This is the year you watch your father fall. You find the trail of debt 100 thousand dollars owed mine aswell of been a million for we can barely live so how would you like us to pay it back i finfd him stealing money from my backpack. This is the year you find out your dad is the same worth of a rat and you dont have to take his crap. This is the year he snaps and instead you help him back up. He was in achoma five days as you stayed never slept jus sat beside his hospital bed praying this did not mean death. Death came in a different way with your cousin brit stabbed to death by her husband on febuary fith.. this is the year you wished you diddnt exsist.

Eighteen

     This is the year.... you found the courage to see you will always be...good and thats enough for me.

humble man with traits one cannot fatham,
he walks with his head high,
his legs and back stright and strong,
body with muscles as meak as a millionares pocket,
mind is open but controlled,
assigned with a number as his brothers,
the extent he will go is an infinaite plethera,
for his country without even really wanting to.....

Little toy soilder
Sat under a boulder
Your hat has been knocked off

Your knife is now rusted
Your glasses are busted
And you've lost your favorite socks

If your head weren't ******* on
It'd to be long gone
Though where it is now must ****

Your commander is gone
Your friends still fight on
And a bird took your dog tags along

So little toy soilder
Laid under a boulder
Without you the game still goes on

Its funny, as I am sitting here in the back of the auditorium, listening to all my friends on stage. The song is The Nutcracker, and suddenly it all comes back. As the bass thrums in my ear and the trupet blares loudly across the audience, I remember those winter day where She would take me to The Nutcracker. Two young girls in tow, She would cart us around, another venue every year. It was grand, the high light of my season. I could watch women with long limber legs and men in their toy soilder costumes, prance gracfully across the stage in time with th music. As I sat in that darkened auditorium it all came back to me. She used to take me to see this, to listen to this music. I had the urge to laugh madly, and cry out in anguish. Its a funny thing how precious things become long after they have ended. When the memory still stands while the erson fades. In that darkened auditorium I felt a pang of sickening nostaligia and longing. For She is dead and I am still here, and now I have no one to take me to the Nutcracker

Become my the reason
I retaliate against this
Crazy world
Where guns and violence are
My protection
And love is my weakness.
I am broken by the daily
Sickness
That runs in my veins
Causing me to change
Each stupid day.

Become my soilder
That opens my heart
Which bears much evil,
Including the sins of my ancestry.
Your the only one I can trust
As I dwindle from my sanity
Because I am a devil
That needs redemption.

In my youth I was a poet. Words stitched worlds. Virtue was the currency, music was Devine. Fire ment light, not bullets in flight. And angels were children, not camo coated knights.
Slowly age comes, and more of death we fear. Devils from a dessert land turn castles into ash and sand.
A angel on its way. But its wings are clay.
Icarus did fall, and on the
way to earth. He spoke of another, a lifetime away. About what he all ways feared. You see Dante was right.there is no reason left to fight. And a quite voice whispers near about earth's heathens. "The earth is another form of hell and the angels act like demons.

Plastic cracked
I seem to be falling apart
The result of your tight clutch
As you hold me close to your heart
And I sink into your breast
I can feel your hurt
Today must’ve been a bad one
Because the pain is so much worse
But what can I do
I’m just a tool
A conduit
And I won’t last much longer
I’ve been over used
Not miss handle
Chip parts
Just shows I’m that frail
A toy
But a solider still the same
My mission is to comfort
And even as I wither
Part by part
I cannot fail

"What should I be when I grow - up ?", asked a little boy .
"A baseball player ? A life-gaurd ? What ,what ,what?",he thought.
"Mother what should I be?",he asked his mother. His mother replyed ,"Be what you want to be , it doesn't matter as long as you love it!" He knew mother was right. "In a few years I'm going to be a soilder, to serve my country,thank you mother!" He grew up and became a soilder.

The creators creation is flawless
But none the less
some think it's okay to treat some less
truth is boy will always be boy
And girl will always be girl

Let her be born into a home of men
Let her learn to live like a man
Let her walk and talk like a man
No matter how much she looks like a man
Deep down she will always be a girl

Let her go to an all boys school
Let her be flogged severally like a boy
Let her eat and dress like a boy
Let her hate boys and like girls
No matter what happens
Deep down she will always be a girl

Let her stay in doors all through university
Let her never have a boyfriend or fall in love
Let her study a course like engineering
With almost no girl but her in her class
Let her become a tomboy
No matter what she does she will always be a girl

Train her to be a soilder
Let the sound of her slap take you out
Let her punch end lives
Let her gun take and save millions of lives
Let her go through the most rigorous training for the most terrible and stubborn male soilders
Let her graduate as the army's toughest soilder
Let her close more cases than anyone ever
Let her travel to hostile zones killing people and making hard decisions
Let her be ruthless and considered heartless
No matter what she does
Deep down she will always remain a girl

Call doctor 90201 or The doctor number 1
Let him take away her heart and replace it with a rock
Remove her blood and inject acid
Turn her into a machine
As long as she is still alive
No matter what he does to her
Deep down she will always be a girl

She will hurt when u do something that can hurt her
She will love hard
Her heart will break when you drop it
She will always try to be right
She will always have what it takes to be a mother, a loving one
She will cry when she is hurt
She will feel the pain when you inflict it
Not because she is not tough or anything close
But because no matter what she does
No matter how, or where or when she does it
Deep down she is and will always be a girl

It doesn't matter who she is or says she is
Civilian or military
Tough or rough
Weak or strong
She is and will always be a woman
Treat her right
Show her love, she will feel like any other girl.
Treat her right, she is perfect irrespective of who she has grown to be.

The creators creation is flawless
But none the less
some think it's okay to treat some less
Truth is boy will always be boy
And girl will always be girl

From the day that I met her she clinched onto my heart
I knew this was gonna be love right from the very start
It’s extremely difficult to erase her from my mind
This girl was attached to me and that’s no lie
I said a few words and she was already swept off her feet
It seemed like I was the guy she desperarely wanted to meet
She clinged herself on me and dosen’t want to get off
Her words instantly makes my emotions grow soft
In just days we went from best friends to lovers
Who knew that we would end up being with each other


I would go through hell and high water just to defend her honor
I will do everything in my power and my will just to charm her
I could mess up my entire life and she’d still be there for me
She intensely loved me to death whether I was cool or corny
There’s nothing in this world that can destroy her love
It’s pretty clear that in her eyes that I’m her chosen one


Not even my parents’ love was intense than hers was
In her mind trying to grab my heart was really a must
Many times she would trap me in her intense lust
For whatever the reason she declared me the king of her soul
With this honor I will cherish her love and never make her feel cold
That’s how I am, I can never break a girl’s heart
In her life I definately play a very important part
I could even hate her and she’d still fall head over heels for me
But I don’t want to feel that way all because she really supports me


She’s been hurt repeatively throughout her life
Never once did she ever live her entire life right
Her mom gave her up and her dad wouldn’t support her
Basically there was nobody in her life there for her
No one to lift her spirits when she was down
Everyday her face would always be in a frown
Tears would flood her eyes night after night
Hoping that love would come in her sight
Older sister leaving bruise marks all over her body
It sounds like her step-parents left her heart rotting


All this time she was looking for a prince to save her
She spent her whole life finding someone to not hate her
She found the happiness in me and now won’t let go of me
To a lot of people it’s easy to tell that she really does love me
She engraved my full name into her heart
Easy to tell that her life Ieft a very big mark
There’s nothing that I can do to change her opinion about me
Her luck started to change ever since the day that she found me
Since that day she never wanted to let go of my hand
She constantly sees me everyday as her loving man
She’d even die just to protect my spirits


And wants me as her sweet loving dearest
And to think that she would feel that way after only small talk
I know if something happened to me her heart would just stop
I’m the only person in this entire universe that she actually wants
Even willing to pump her blood in my heart
She says in her life I had created a new start
The farther away I am from her the stronger her love grows
Why she feels this way to be honest I don’t really know
I showed up in her life and that’s how things got started
I guess it’s because of the fact that I’m really big hearted
She’s so attached that her worst nightmare is us being departed


Whenever she’s in trouble, I’ll become her superman
If I fall to failure I know for sure that she’ll understand
No matter what happens she forever branded me as her guarding angel
She will always be by my side whether when times are good or fatal
She’s had a rough life and it’s up to me to create her happy ending
When it comes to taking away the pain, it’s me that she’s depending
Her love is so intense and strong for me that I swear I’m not pretending


She’ll even give her life away with her blood in my hands
I’m gonna try to please and satisfy her in anyway I can
I know it’s up to me to dry her tears
And it’s up to me take away her fears
I know **** well that she’s suffered a lot
And it’s up to me to give her what she wants
She gave me her heart and it’s up to me not to break it
I know that in this relationship that we can definatley make it
Constantly sending me messages over the internet hour after hour
I’m destined to make her waking moment sweet and never sour


She’ll stop at nothing just to be in my presence
Showering me with her love is atually a present
She gave me the trust to carry her heart
Now it’s up to me not to break it apart
The last thing I ever want to is to break her trust
I have to lift up her spirits and that’s a must
I’ll be the pillow that she can cry into when she’s upset
I’m destined to be the best human being that she ever met
I’ll be the soilder who rescues her from all the pain and misery
Take her away from the sea of sorrow, her suffering will be history


No matter what road may lay ahead infront of me I will always be there to defend her love
When it comes in bringing her an endless life of happiness she choose me to be the one
She choose me to be her knight and shining armor
And I will do whatever I can in my power to charm her.

Imagine a world without terror outer
and inner, sans famine of food and water,
where every soul is well-sated; a world
sans sickness and disease, not by the cord
of morbidity and death held; a place
where huts are mansions, every shack is
a castle, and each flat a grand manor;
where the roads are built with pure gold
and the bridges with resplendent diamond;
where the day does not change in colour,
except when full moon in its full array
once in a month has its  own display.

I mean a planet steeping in love
unfeigned, bristling with true hospitality
of the soul; a world bereft of danger,
and of every mind-and-heart breaker;
a world with the similitude of the garden of
Eden, hung on the shoulders of harmony--
where man at another cove's lovely dove
will not leer, where there are
no split and divorce. The genre, stuff
of life where one's pigmentation is
not the cardinal, but the inner essence.

A sort of society where ******, Hussein
and Laden-like fellows and all their
coterie of killers do not have a lair
of habitation, i refer; where besetting sin
has no confederacy with the rotary heart
and mind of man; where the leagues
of villians are non-existence. An earth
where conglomeration of wicked cliques
is non-operational: where everyone be
holy--no child soilder, nor forced labour;
where women are not ravaged in cruelty
of acts, and is void of conflict and war.

Such a place "the world" is not called
but "heaven: governed by the Almighty Lord.

heart: THAT IS IT! THAT IS IT!
ENOUGH I SAY! IT STOPS NOW!
THE LINE IS HERE! I DRAW IT IN THIS STEEL FLOOR! NO PASSING THE LINE!

brain: we've been floating for 5 hours. Do you want to go back?

Heart: FLOATING?!? I'LL TELL OF WHAT FLOATING IS! Never more can a seed bear stem if it has no subsidence to sustain it's sacred geometry! The growth of one that is physical is the same as one that is emotional!

Brain: .. so yes, when an apple is ripe it volunteers it's nutrients. When a woman is ready she will open her heart, yes?

Heart: AN APPLE CAN HEAR ITSELF BEING EATEN! WHAT OR WHOM WOULD INDULGE IN SUCH A SOUND?!

brain: a man gives a woman his trust, just like a woman gives her trust to a man. Who would want that thrown in their face?

Heart: are you saying an apple can be compared to a human in this sense then?

Brain: apples are inanimate and without emotions heart.

Heart:........does that mean they want to hear themselves being ATE!?!

brain: it's science. Just because a tree is technically alive, doesn't mean it perceives it.

Heart: ENOUGH! This time is different brain. If a human doesn't want to be hurt why should the apple be hurt.

Brain: apples don't have nerves heart.

Heart: so what?! You're saying they can HEAR themselves being chewed and it isn't painful????!!!!

Brain: ....... yes....

Heart: ..ya?... hahaha? Why.

Brain: I don't truly know.

Heart: HA!! then HOW?!?!

Brain: science.

Heart:..............I forgot what I was talking about.

Brain: she dumped you. You did your best. Even to give her a pat on the back although you wanted to give her a talk of a century.  You let her go because you love her. She didn't feel the same at the end of the day, even if she did at the beginning. She is complex, and causes pain suddenly to avoid pain long term. You are a soilder. And would rather take the pain to what ever end to get to what you are trying to believe. You believe in love so much that it isn't tolerated when you get broken again. Because of your intention. And you know what? Your intention shows. Because instead of showing your pain to her, you wished her well, like a bad ***. Then came home, got drunk, destroyed your bedroom, and started talking to me, looking for sympathy... but you should know me by now.
You are so refreshing heart. I can't remember if I've ever felt a thing.
But out of all my knowledge, I'm still unsure as to if you have a mind of your own or not.

Heart: and what gives you this authority over me? Huh?

Brain: 42

Heart:....................so you THINK you're all that eh?????

Brain: I know buddy. How do you FEEL?

heart: D*MNIT BRAIN!!!!

Not by the autographs they sign
not by the clothes worn fine
yet to them with deeds divine
true are these heroes as distant star shine
…
young be a boy helping a blind man
old be a lady lending water in a can
smart be a nurse cleaning a bed pan
even a dog for its dying master ran

rude maybe a teacher yet for the poor a fees he give
hard might be a butcher yet a meat free for poor to live
cruel can be a soilder yet blood he doth give
a hunter even adopts animal kids to live

not by the image heroes they are
not by courage heroes they are
yet by acts of love none see
heroes of time tough little their deeds be