They are the heart givers
and the breath takers
without them I cannot live
but just like my exgirlfriend
they can't seem to find
where they left their compassion.

I cannot breathe
but that is only because it cost too much to live
understanding their desire of money
it pains me to know greed
not of my own will be the cause of my death.

That in my generosity I forgot
planting trees does not grow the greens they seek
and the carrots sprouting are ones they eat
not the ones they don't wear to the office
but dance around their family with.

Education was supposed to be their gravity
and with each ounce of knowledge
built an anchor to the moon
because instead of humanity
they've become a celestial star
whose imagination wanders
outside the orbit of those who may be suffering.

A broken hearted soul
paves the waiting room with their corpse
because while in the void
something had to go and
it wasn't the money
but a man that couldn't
afford to keep his heart going.

I am currently in one of those moods where everyone who is happy and in love, or has any kind of adorable love-life I really would like to light on fire.

Dear beautiful couples, please get your sickeningly cute relationship out of my sight before I *****! Can't you see I'm busy being bitter and lonely and spiteful?!
Sincerely,
The girl in the corner with the chocolate and the ice cream crying bitterly and insanely yelling crazy (slightly terrifying) things at random happy couples passing by.

I am so jealous of some girls it is actually pathetic and I know that jealousy makes me a pretty bad and petty person, but I think it would actually make me a worse person if I weren't honest and denied being jealous of them. I think that jealousy is just a different kind of pain that you are not allowed to feel because society stifles it, and that is not fair. Anyone else agree with this? Idk, maybe I'm the only one. I just think that as long as you are not "getting revenge" or "acting on your jealousy" or whatever it is perfectly normal to feel jealous and it should not be seen as agony, not a negative feeling that makes you a bad person if you feel it.

There is this guy and even though I don't really like him anymore, he and I are still chatting a little and I see his ****** exgirlfriend every fcking day and I hate her. Anyway, I just feel like I can never be like her and I feel this sense of competition between us everytime I see her because the guy I was talking about dropped me for her when he thought he had a chance to get back together with her and I hate being the "Plan B" and I hate him and I hate her and I hate feeling this much hatred and I hate myself for not being as badass as her, as pretty as her, as cool as her, having an original taste in music that is more similar to his as her, I hate myself for caring this much, I hate myself for being so much less interesting than her, and I just really feel worthless and like I am nothing compared to her. Also she is popular. I apologize if this offends anyone but since I had bad experiences with the popular crowd a while back (a lot of stuff I guess some people might call bullying but I don't want to sound like I'm victimizing myself), I just loathe the entire "culture" and society of "popular" people everywhere. I recognize that is an extremely biased, discriminatory, offensive, narrow-minded and pathetic, generalizing point of view, I just have really scarring experiences with them and I don't even care anymore. Anyway, she is extremely well liked by everyone and she is dismissive of poetry and the art of writing which offends me and she is just really... physically beautiful. Do you have any idea what I would give to be pretty like that? I can't compete. I may as well give up. Sorry for the rant this was a lot longer than I actually realized while writing it, I just needed to get this out I'm sorry.

It is kind of getting worse and I am starting to wonder if maybe I should get tested for dysmorphia. Just to ease my mind about the matter... but I'm scared to find out. If it is a no, then I'm glad I don't have a mental disorder but that means I really am a hideous beast and I really need to get some kind of operation or something to fix my ugly face, then if it is a yes, I have a mental disorder and I really don't want to deal with a disease of the mind because it hurts a lot to hate yourself this much.

I have too much work to do and too little time I'm panicking there is no way I am going to be done.

I have no social life.

I want chocolate.

I need to stop trying to resolve things with chocolate.

I'm in one of those moods where I am sad. I don't know why, I just am. How is that even possible?

I am not good at dealing with loneliness.

There must be a way to feel like you are enough for yourself. I haven't found it yet.

I can stop myself from texting him
That's a start
But if I don't want to think about him
Well...
That's a whole lot harder
But I can't listen to love songs
Or sad love songs
Or sad songs
Or angry songs
Or Ed Sheeran because he loves his music
Or the song Riptide by Vance Joy because he loves that song too
This music reminds me too much of him
I can't use the word lovely
Because that was my favorite word he used to call me
And he knew it, so he used it all the time
I can't even wear dresses and skirts anymore because he always liked girls wearing dresses and skirts
I can't read John Green because he actually liked his writing style
And I can't read ANY quotes from Neil Gaiman because he loved his writing
He of course, had to be a writer and a poet so it's hard to read love poetry without his name creeping into mind
I hate how I can't even finish the novel I was writing because I included some events based off of some of my favorite moments between us
I can't look at pictures of England because he really wanted to live in England one day
I can't look his exgirlfriend who he still cares for who goes to my school in the eye because just like he always did I will always compare myself to her and I can never measure up to even close to what she is
I can't text the words "haha" because he used that instead of lol all the time
I can't even talk about him to someone without feeling pathetic
He just wrecked everything
He ruined my favorite outfits, music, music artists, writing, books, countries, and even my novels that I had ideas I was just so excited for.
I just can't get him out of my mind
And the truth is
I don't like him anymore
I really don't
but I do miss him
and I admit that
I don't want to
but honestly, I do
So it is just easier... to forget
Although with all the things that lead me back to him
It's proving not to be easier
and I kind of don't want to forget
because he was the closest I ever came
To really liking a guy
Who liked me back
and just like the tense he used when he said goodbye to me
I say liked
*not like.

there was surgical steel in my lungs
the day you told me how you felt how you really felt
and when i took a breath
it was hollow and swollen and metallic so
i thought i'd bitten my tongue too hard
when i kept my words behind my closed lips
i didn't understand what you were saying not really
but your eyes looked cold
like you'd been living in a freezer
your whole life and as your mouth moved your eyes bored into the wall behind me
i knew there was a hole there made by your icy stare and i felt another cutting into my own skin
as the cigarette smoke curled around you
i thought you'd never looked more beautiful
at the same moment i realized
you'd never been so
ugly
let's just be friends bears the weight of
so many unspoken feelings like
i still love my exgirlfriend and
you were just a warm body and
i've forgotten how to feel anything for anyone anymore and
it scares me
maybe i thought that last one
you were precision and tact
in its purest form
a single element designed to break my heart
and i think you knew
so when i asked you for a cigarette to melt the
steel in my lungs and justletmebreathegoddamnit
your retreating footsteps told me all i ever needed
to hear
and my sobs were hollow and swollen and metallic
like the blood pooling in my mouth from my
bitten-off tongue

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God talks to me all day long
And I talk to him
And this is the way I've learned to get on.
He keeps telling me to press on
It won't last forever,
But I have to remember
Only He controls what will belong.
A world where I see you several times a week, but we don't speak...*****.
But I'm hoping it won't last long.
Because I would rather be a blatantly
desperate and in love with you friend
Than an exgirlfriend who is long gone...
I've just never found a better friend than you.
I don't think needing that is wrong.

I hate my memory but check this connection....Asher = Antony Uptown = lovely boy in love = Girl likes other poet's poems, start spending time with him = angry boy begins to feel abandoned tries to talk to girl who's showing her new attraction = angry begins to argue want to talk on phone =  pretty girl writes poem saying she logged out.  

Now angry boy is jealous and furious and reads all ancient poets words.  Angry tries to get old poet to IM as he pretends.  Old poet tells the crazy broad these poems aren't for her.  Angry boy can't get proof he needs of to prove to exgirlfriend" that new love is a liar, cheat and predator.   Meantime ancient Mariner and pretty girl begin to get hate messages and a "warning" of impending doom and hurt from Astral.  Old man and young Muse relate these weird messages to each other.  Mature man writes to Astral telling him step off.  Astral disappears and 24 hours later has filled "blood drained" pretty girl with lies making her believe old man only cheats and lust for more than her.  All of this in little more than 2 weeks of growing feelings and talking all night every night.  In weakened state she cannot see the sequence of events...nor motives for crushing her like this so she writes a players poem and begin to hate her friend.  Old man cannot comprehend how this whole tale unfolded until he projects again...he used his third eye to find the stories first page. Jealousy caused angry boy to create a scenario since he's lost her heart to old man...if I can't have her he can't either thinks angry boy.  plotting strategy to ruin old man's chances = knows unsure girl's fears = use these against her so he can't have her either = become ten women and create some crazy fiction to dethrone the champion of her hand.

Now I see motive for the lies to separate twin flame sensor.  I see an impossible timeline to be the womanizer I'm accused of being.  I see that the demise came about after the lies told to me meet with no response so Angry boy plays on her emotions to hopefully get regain....result is a good soul laying almost dead distraught destroyed and angry so into a shell she hides.  Everybody losses here my love...can't you see what I see.  Look at the timeframe to see the same movie and drama I can see.  But pretty girl won't even give okm man the time of day....I guess I must bow out...young Asher wins again.