I sense
Her there,
Shrouded
Dark
On the edges,
As I sit,
Holding
Pain
From past
Heartaches,
And fears
Of those
To come.
And I breathe,
Letting air
Stretch
My edges
Past hers
And welcome
Her
Home.

I laughed
At the end
At how
Serious
It all seemed
And how
Gently
The world
Reminded
Me
Of its scope,
And invited
Me
To let go
Of drawing
Lines
And join.
And the
Laughter
Cleared the way
For tears
I didn’t
Know
I carried,
For the lines
I draw
Are heavy
And distracting.

I found
My Self
Racing
Time,
Bridging
Gaps between
Moments
With breaths
Held,
And jobs
Complete,
And I paused,
And I breathed,
And I waited
To be left
Behind,
With my jobs
And my breath,
And Time,
She slowed
With me,
And clasped
My hand
Until I remembered
We were
One.

I start
Off flat,
My mind
Flowing,
Bumpy
And quick,
And passing
Me by.
And I watch,
As I rise,
My grip
Close
Around this
Word,
Then
That
Which
Slips between
Feelings,
Sensations,
To push
Me along.
And I
Reach
And I grasp,
And I grip,
And release,
And don’t
Notice
The effort
Until
I let go.

I sit
Just so,
Rolling
Breath
Up and down
My spine,
Bottom
Heavy
Between
Wants
And musts
To come.
I sit
And remember -
The line
I’ve chosen
Goes
Forward.

I hover
Above
My body,
Barely
Noticing
Its aching
And resenting
It anyway.
And then
I ask
For breaths
For stretches
For bends
And twists
And my body
Forgives me
My choices
And offers
Me
Three more
Before I
Realize
My prying
Falls short
And let go.

I reach
Hands
Around
And above
This body
Through
Befores
And afters
And thems
And these
Buzzing
In tiny
Separate
Bits,
And breathe,
And feel
Them
Join
And
Seep
Through pores,
Under nails,
Around organs,
And fill
This body
With me
(And we).

I’d set
Them down,
One by one,
Just beyond
My mat,
So I could
Be
Alone
In my skin
And my head.
And when
I was
Enough
To be
And not be,
Alone,
And I drew
Them close,
One by one,
To watch
My eyes
In theirs.

As I breathe,
And push
Heel
Into space
Behind,
The shift
Pops
From hip
To toe
And I grow,
And I note
The joy
Of moving
This body
Freely,
This breath
With ease,
And
I am
Humbled
By the space,
And I hold
Past comfort
And breathe
For those
Who cannot.

As I leave
My mat
And flesh
Behind,
I recognize
The plain
Made battleground,
The twisted
Bodies,
Faces
Gone slack,
The urge
To gaze,
To curate
Curiosity
For
Each
And every
Fallen,
Around
How
And where
They stood.
I stand
On healthy
Feet,
On solid
Ground,
And hesitate
In the tension
Between
As today
All paths
Seem fraught.

I lay
At the end,
And as I feel
This body
Still
Her face
Slips in
Before mind,
A smile,
Then a plea,
Then a loss,
Before hers
Becomes his
And his
Becomes theirs,
And I yearn
To join,
To make ours,
But I wait,
As this pain
Deserves a
Witness.

I breathe,
Letting recognition
Settle in
And through
The experience
Of filling
My body
With air
Over
And over
And over.
Then I notice
Breathing
And recognizing
Breathing
And noticing
Recognition,
And the air
On my face
Is cool,
And my partner’s
Sleep sounds
Are steady,
And the mint
In my mouth
Is almost cold
As I breathe
And notice
And breathe.

I set
My parts
In rows
To strengthen
And grow
As the parts
I forget
Are mine
Shudder
Around us,
Shaking
Loose
The seams
That holds
It all
Apart.

I reach
And feel
My mind
Reach
For a you
And an us
We used
To be
Or want
To recall
To create
With tiny
Bits of
Being
And big
Bits of
Doing,
And I
Remind
Myself
To listen.

I push
These swords
From
And through
Tired
Confusion
To clarity,
Before
Binding
Blades
Behind
To lead
With heart.
And,
Open,
We see
Past
What we know,
And bow
To what
We co-create
Hearts
Cracked open,
And sharp edges
Bound.

I find
Myself
In the frame,
Bound by
The aperture
And the mirror’s edge.
I trace
The slopes
Of shoulders
Into arms,
Of bones
Over *******.
I circle the button
And sink within.
And today,
In this hotel bathroom
With modern lines
And a touchy thermostat,
I remember
Other mirrors
In other bathrooms
Showing me what you see.
So I click and hit send
Before looking again.

I watched you,
Today,
Hesitate,
While you watched them
From the easy edges.
And I remembered
What it's like
To just be
And to be
Just out of reach
And to notice
No one
Is reaching.
I watched you watch
Today.
And notice.
And hesitate.
But when I reached,
You were gone.

I watch him
Emerge,
Over days,
With cracks
And tears,
His new skin
Cranky
And thin.
And I recognize
An old fear
Shimmer through
One iris
Then the next.
And I see him
See me
Watching and waiting,
And I wonder
How many chances
We’ll get.

The words
You wrap
Around
Your hurt
Are heavy,
Offered quickly
And retracted,
Before the hurt
Itself
Emerges.
And I hear
What’s said
And feel
What
Isn’t.
And the walls
Are slow
To yield.

I reach out
Gently
With wiggling fingers
And giggling breath
And find
You
Hard
And just
Out of reach.
And I am lost
For a moment
To the iterations
On this moment
That still me
And pull my hands
In close.
And then the
Fabric beneath
My fingertips
Is a son
Becoming man
And I breathe
And love
And slip my hand
Into the rocky palm
Of a mountain
For a walk
With my mother.

I set timers
(When mindful)
So that
If
When
I slip
Between the seams
Of before
And after
And now
And now
And now,
I can find my way back.

She floods
Her skin
With intention,
“Be here.”
She wills
Herself
Back.
Backs away
From the lure
Of stories
That make
The hurt
Make sense.
(Stories
That make
The hurt.)
And his smell
Is familiar
And sweet.

The last stake
Isn’t,
Then is,
Suddenly
Heavy
Rusty
Gilded in mud
Dirtying her fingers
That bend
To grip
One
By
One.
And in the moment
Her grasp
Is complete
She knows
It had
Always been
This little detail
At the end.
It’s not hard
To pierce the belly
(Right below the button)
But it’s two hands
That force it through.

Her words
Paint memories
First in broad
Blurry
Strokes,
Then in tiny
Brutal
details,
That speak
To harms
Incurred
In silence.
My words
Fall,
Crack,
And scatter.
“I wish I had known”

I wonder
Briefly
How I’d
Look
To another
Watching
My spacing
And settling
Flow.
And the waves
Roar
My name
And the winds
Carve
My face
And the sun
Warms
My body
And I
Remember.

I found
Myself
Today
Between
Have-tos
And whys
In the time
Set aside
For just noticing.

I noticed
Myself
And then
They were not.

I read it
In his voice
And giggle
As answers
Obscure
Responses
From no one’s
And everyone’s
View
The words
Slip
Between
Memories
Without
Traction.
And she giggles
To
Herself
Once more.

Your words
Flow over
Gravel,
Tumbling
With purpose
And precision,
And I see
In the bend
Of your hips
The hurt
And hope
From which
They spring.
I should have known
That hearing your voice
Would draw my heart
To yours.

Your brows
Draw tight
Darkening rings
Below those icy blues,
And I watch
You seep
From view,
Refusing
To be probed.

I see
Your fear
So clearly,
Dripping from
Tips to type,
Like the sweat
From atop
Your snarl.
I hear
Your taps
Brand it
As virtue,
Justice,
As humor,
Or sense,
But your labels
Peel and curl
At edges,
And I
Recognize
The fearful
Bits
Beneath.
"Shhh, love,"
I want to say,
Reaching out,
"No more."
But my hand
Still stings,
So today -
I block the comments.

“Because you drink too much,”
I say
Matter of factly
With giggles in my voice.
You do not giggle.
And as you pull your hand away
I watch something else
Slip from reach
And suddenly
I am alone.

She starts
Between toes
In the webbing,
Touching down,
Between
Stable
Moments,
Two fists
And last breaths
Before she unfolds,
Unpeels,
And tumbles into sleep.

He peeks
Around the corner
Chin high
And hopeful,
To meet her gaze.
He kneels,
And lays
Fragments
Of a life imagined
At her feet.
She smiles
And sings
The chords
Of lives
Remembered.
And he’s just learned the chorus,
When he realizes he’s alone.

It’s something
About,
Within,
Around,
Your smile
That stops
My breath
My blood
And holds
Me hostage to
My memories
Of your words-
Cinching
Strong
Cords,
Pinching
Soft
Skin,
Heavy
Between *******
For leverage.
And I am still.
Still and
Still angry.
This time,
I use my hands
To tell you
“No.”

She knows
How it sounds,
Her defenses,
Her script.
She gets
Where to giggle,
Where to look away.
And some days,
She longs for freedom-
For mangled lines,
And empty faces,
And shredded costumes.
But today,
She greets
Her applause
And retreats
Into darkness.

At first
He didn’t
Know
How
His words
Cinched
Tight around
Her throat,
Extracted
Air
From her lungs
Slowly
Until
She was taut
And vacant.
But then
He learned
Words
As
Weapons
He found
He couldn’t
Help
But wield.

It’s offhand,
The comment
That first stills
Her heart
Then sends it
Tumbling
Her breath
Attempting traction
Attempting grip.

And he knows
She lies
When she answers
“Fine.”

It's unsettling
(Fundamentally)
When the thing
You yearn for
From the one
Who once
Yearned for you
Just
Isn't.
Unsettling to keep wanting
Unsettling to stop.
Unsettling to settle.
But then -  
Someone has got to run the dog before 10.

Since you left
(for the second time)
Every door closing,
Shower running,
Or clank,
Or shuffle,
Or creak,
Brings my heart
To attention
Ready
To welcome you home.

Some days,
I feel lonely
In the dark,
In the quiet,
Seeking
To create
A moment
Or two
Of just being
By redoing
And redoing
With Intention.
Other days,
Though -
Other days,
Everyone
I’ve ever loved
Or hurt
Or been seen by
Shows up
In the alleys
Between
Being
And doing
And I
Recognize
Us.

On this day
I slipped
Into my practice
Upon waking
Like
Easing
Into your bed
After too much
Living
Leaves us
Weak.
Necessary
And
Indulgent
Somehow
To leave be
The befores
And the laters
And come to rest
In the now.

My body
Arrives,
Still
Hot and
Driving
The beat
Of my run.
And the Practice
It finds there
Is more rest
Than rhythm
More stillness
Than shifts.
And I breathe
Into body
Over and over
As my mind
Insists
We move on.

I pause
The grinding
Mindwork
To find
My pieces
Scrambled and
Scattered
About.
A hope here.
A doubt there.
A glimpse of a memory
That always leaves me
Guilty.
I pause.
And breathe
Space
Between the gears.
I pause
And stretch
Time
Between the beats.
And with spacetime
Set aside,
My pieces slip into place.

Some days
I have
To shut
My eyes
And listen
To find
My way
Into my skin.
Body still,
I fill my lungs
And lay
Breath
Down
With intention
Crumb
By
Crumb.
And for a moment,
I am full.

First,
I found
My feet.
My toes,
And heels,
And arches.
They dug in deep
And I reached.
Next my legs
Emerged,
My calves,
And shins,
And thighs.
They thickened
And I soared.
And in the end,
I bent
Into feet and legs,
Muscle and bone,
And found grace.

Some days
(Especially those that echo with
“Move,” and
“Hurry,” and
“Do, do, do... but don’t!...”)
Those days
I may just sit,
And breathe,
And come back to sitting
And breathing
And if it takes
Every moment
Of my practice
To arrive,
Still,
I find myself there.

My mat
Feels
Somehow
Simultaneously
Too big
For the small
Space
I’ve squeezed
Myself
Into
And
Too small
To contain
What’s leaking
From
My bursted seams.

I peer
Towards the flame
From behind
The gauze of,
“I wish,”
And
“What if,”
And
“Why can’t,”
And it is dark
There.
And it is dark
Until
My breathing seeps
Between the edges
Separating
Wishes from
Cants
And why nots
From what ifs.
And here
I am now
In the clear
Flickering
Light
Of the morning.

I forgot,
Today,
To pick
A beat
To set
My flow.
Instead,
I found
The rushing
Of my breath
And the creaking
Of my bones
And the popping
Of my joints
And the whispered screeching
Of my muscles
In the silence.
I remembered,
Today,
To hear
My flow
Set my beat.
And the closing chords
Were lovely.

Wandering,
Ragged,
And worn,
I stumble on
To my mat.
And reaching
Past its
Rubber edges
I gather
The pieces
Of me
Strewn about -
Knees and elbows,
Tips and toes,
A bit of flesh,
An ***** or two -
Each finding
Its place
So I can find mine
Before sunrise.