god ****** she misses you

and god ****** i miss you

and im sorry, god, for swearing but i have run out of ideas on how to make this no good shapeshifting warm handed boy notice me remember when he said i love you

this is not a goodbye you don't deserve one this is not a plea for help see previous poems, twitter, my wrists, etc this is not a romanticization of your destructive ways and i no longer hear birds sing when you torch cities and i can't bring myself to see the love in your inferno so what the hell do i have left to say to you

i once wrote that you left love letters on my tongue and that you made drowning fun but i have come to the conclusion that those are both in fact lies and that the only thing you left on my tongue is the bitter taste of your name and beer and that drowning is ******* terrible and so are you

i remind myself everyday that you must have been a good person somewhere along the way and that there must have been some point where you actually did miss the feeling of my skin and that i was the only one you cared for- but i must also remember the day you filled my vacancy and turned on the lights and i still see you in the smiling pictures hung on the walls like your head in the hall whenever i pass by and i remember the day you moved out and on to nicer things and to this day you have succeeded in making the whole thing feel like an eviction, like it was me that wanted you gone and my peeling wallpaper has since revealed that the only thing holding me together was you

funny how every part of this poem ends with you and funny how every thought these days ends with you

and it's funny how when things ended with you you were the only one laughing

this is not a cry or a plea or an appology

this is a eulogy from me to you and i will not waste any more metaphors or adjectives or nights where i should be fast asleep on your whirlpool eyes and twisted smile

you once said, at 3 am, "you know when you're as close to loving someone as physically possible without actually saying it?" and i replied with "yes" and i love you i love you i love you

i hope flowers grow from your rotting heart and i hope you wake up some life and feel just a hint of remorse as you look into her eyes

i'm not a poet and you're not a nice boy and there was a time when i would devote my life to writing about the way you touched my cheek and you would devote your life to exploring the small of my back

that life has ended and i hope she holds you close enough at night

(my own hands will find comfort in the folds you left unnoticed and i will let myself hear the whispers of flattery upon every surface i touch. i will love myself and i will learn to not love you and i will find someone that i can love without pushing myself aside)

laying under darkened skies
laughing all night
remembering
how we pretend we were still alive

the time we wasted
thinking things would be alright
and tell me how you still
consider your ignorance a curse
and how you wave goodbye
to your hometown

be careful, darling
we might get lost
and let each other down

as i weave through the city streets of my hometown
my mind drifts away
thankful that this city hasn't brought the anxiety i've come to expect
i wonder what's different
thankful that these people i call friends
thankful for some emotional stability
thankful for the time and for this life of mine

Tommy sits on the stoop cigarette in mouth
he takes a drag, sighs, breathes out
the stars are out tonight, but these are the suburbs
they hide pretty deep in the clouds
Street lamps reflect the glitter in the asphalt
and innocence lays on the other side of the street

He knew happiness left in August with the wave of red
and green and gold just doesn't cut it
this town's boring enough as it is
worse when you're missing them

Sara sits in her bed she watches him leave
he's notch number three this week
she didn't know him, but this is college
morals and values are hazy here
an empty bed in the morning is simple
anything else just gets too complicated, for her

she left all respect for herself in that town
it's easier than working for something
that will never amount to anything
while you're missing them

Morgan steps off the platform. Train's not leaving tonight
she walks back wiping the tears she tried to fight
nothing's worse then feeling trapped
in a place you love, but just isn't home
and every time she looks forward it seems
something pushes her back

She knew that town only brought hurt
but home is home and she needed it
nothing's ever as bad as it could be
especially when you're missing them