I had a dream last night.
We were at the airport.

Tears were welling up and the knot in my throat threatened to break free.

You poked me, with your typical smile,
You said...

"Hey! Don't cry! It's not like this is the last time you'll ever see me!"

The **** broke.
My half laugh/half sob burst out.
And through the tears I said,

"If only you knew how wrong you are...if only you knew what you're about to do to me."

Never again will I let myself be someone's back up plan.

I was a back burner, in the shadows, half forgotten back up plan. The last thing to be thought about, and the person to be considered least. I was a placeholder to keep the loneliness and isolation at bay.

All I wanted in life was to be made to feel wanted. To finally be able to claw my way up the priority list. Maybe that's what it was.

I was not a priority.

I was nice to have around. Convenient.

I mean, distance, seperation, empty promises... I took all of it. But not only did I take it, I returned it with love, patience, loyalty. I gave time, money, energy.

Everything I had.

Everything that made me who I was as a person.

In fact, I gave so much that I lost who I was. I forgot what it was to be...me.

So when he left, when I was no longer convenient to him, he took everything with him. My laughter, my joy, my ability to find the silver lining in any situation. He took my faith, my trust, my belief in others...

But, he did leave me with something at least.

He left me with a shattered life. He left me with trust issues. With depression, and anxiety attacks at work. He left me with more tears than can be counted and endless empty tissue boxes. He left me with a shell of who I once was.

And he was gone.

I guess when it's not a priority, it's easy to leave. When the one person who sacrificed everything she had...who gave every piece of herself.

But, HE was his priority.

So no. Never again. I will never be a back pocket, third place, maybe one day girl. I will never let myself beg for affection and love again. I will NEVER be made to feel unwanted. Forgettable. Disposable.

I want to be wanted. I want to be THE priority. Because when you truly love someone, they will always be your priority.

Otherwise, you never loved them at all.

Just the convenience of them.

i do not enjoy having a collection of sticky notes
covered in conversation topics
because you never held up your end
it is true that one person always loves more
but the other side needs to give something
you knew this would happen when i have to go for my own self respect
i should have known when you stopped sending good morning texts
or when your texts didn't come at all until late at night

maybe i should've turned my phone off or leave you on read
when you told me about the first girl, or the second, or the third
but i always thought you were worth it
you always listened, you respected my boundaries
it's probably easy when you have six other girls who will give you what  i protect
you killed me over and over again
and you know it

When you miss someone
The amount of time they are away shouldn't matter
You miss them the same on the last minute of their absence as you did on the very first moment they left your sight

Maybe, when the dust settles,
I'll look up and find your gaze fixed on me.

You'll wipe the grit from your eyes,
Blown up by the turbulence we called our relationship.

You'll see past the cloud of doubt and fear and hopelessness,
That seems to have pervaded the sanctuary of your peace of mind.

And when the dust settles,
Maybe you'll still love me.

Because I can't stop loving you.

I find the quiet scratch of pen on paper to be soothing.
My thoughts flow more easily from my pen than they do my mouth.
It is impossible to articulate emotions into words.
How can you describe the indescribable?
There is a need there, a desperate hunger.
Not to keep you in my life, but to make you happy.

Whatever the cost.

You are one ment for greatness.
People like you need the chance to change the world.

And you will.

Of this there is no doubt in my mind.
People like you give people like me someone to look up to.
A standard for which I am constantly striving.

And maybe one day we will sit down across from each other and smile.
For we will both have accomplished so much.

Maybe one day you can be happy again.
Maybe one day I will stop hurting.

Why not today?

Why not now?

The future is terrifying and it is most certainly not set.
But one day at a time, we can handle it.
We can only live in the moment we have right now.

Let's love it.

Cherish it.

And make it the greatest moment of our lives.

Then maybe one day,

We can be whole again.