from the auditorium to the top of the playground i've been overcome with pure anxiety and no matter how hard i try i can't censor their harsh tones and bitter words spitting out like fire in the room adjacent to mine and i wish i could close my ears just as i shut my eyes.
every syllable is replaced with a scraping fork on a plate and i wish you were here to hold me, but instead you cater to frustration and embody anger and i wish there was some way i could help.

it's like i'm falling through the earth's atmosphere at an alarming 847 miles per hour and there's absolutely nothing to catch me or to break my fall. i'm not exploding, nor am i crumbling into pieces, but i am heading for certain death at an unsettling rate and i can't do anything about it. everything is flashing by in a blur and i am barely conscious yet entirely present and i can't help but feel like it's all my own doing.

i. I woke up with your taste in my mouth and your hands on my hips and I turned to you only to become starstruck for the thousandth time.
ii. I've always prayed that boys see nothing in me except pure lust, with you I want it to be everything but.
iii. Our love is soaring elevators in a dead city and brownie batter on Saturday afternoon. You're afraid of heights but you still stood with me on the edge of the highest parking deck. 
iv. You call me beautiful and I am starting to believe it. 
v. The mountains are calling but so are your lips. I wish I was able to reach both but my arms couldn't possibly stretch one hundred miles.
vi. I am terrified to give you my heart but for the first time it isn't because I fear I will leave.

kindly forgive me

but i seem to have misplaced my

mind.

            maybe to planet mars, or,

                                   is it buried    in   the   park?

i feel like i might be going    insane

and everything is a  blur

and i    didn’t mean to

            disappear.

it happens to me every time

i just

      get tired

and  i  slink  away  to  be  by  myself

it isn’t easy

i didn’t mean to    go so soon

i just   don’t know how i can speak to you after i left off on such

     cruel terms

and i am so very sorry

i never intended on hurting you

Don't you dare fall in love with her.
Our love is what calms the seas; our love is what stills the earths crust; our love is what prevents flames from igniting the entire west coast and if you fall in love with her...
If you fall in love with her the skies will gray and the flowers will wilt, roads will crack, planes will crash and buildings will collapse - but only in my world - because you turn my clocks and you keep my time and I am going crazy without you here and I just hope she makes you happy.

I should be asleep by now.

I know this, I know this, I know this, I don't, I do.
I understand how to find the
acceleration of a runner when
given the change in time but
I don't know what that runner would
rather be doing, who they'd rather
be with,
if anyone.
I don't know who I'd rather be with,
if anyone.
I am learning, I have learned.
I am smart by the books,
by the state, by the curriculum,
but I don't how how I will go on
when everyone I love is dead, or
if I will cry tonight.
I know that distance times time is
speed but I don't know when I will
run out of it.
Time.
Time.
Time.
Time is irrelevant.
Focus in class,
do as you're asked and
be like the rest.
Don't forget to brush your teeth
and don't forget to stay asleep and
don't forget to forget to think because
when you think, you know
and when you know you're not
following.
Follow.
Follow.
Follow.
Sleep.

"i want my baby back

spent the past three days out of my mind
how on earth were you still in it?

ten months
ten months wasted on a soul who
couldn’t care less if my last breath was drained
praying for forgiveness or speaking their name
ten months spent with a being who
would rather be the cause of tears streaming down my face
than shed one themselves


from the beginning i was warned.
but the caution signs and police tape that wrapped around your chest wasn’t enough to keep me out,
i had to see for myself.
it was only then that i knew, first hand, what it meant to be held captive.
i walked through fields of glass, tiptoed through bushels of thorns
and swam through eel infested canals
to keep your anger at bay,
but one misstep, one slip, or a breath taken too late
and i’d awaken the beast that lurked inside.


forty years ago a robbery took place in stockholm, sweden
and for six days four people were held hostage in a bank vault,
later rescued with no hatred held.
through threats they grew compassion,
through desperation they found trust,
and ultimately the kidnapped formed a bond with their captors.
there were no physical cuffs that tied me to you,
but the emotional torment you put me through
somehow didn’t compare to the drunken night
i stumbled through your doorway
only to find myself face-first on the ground, choking on my own vile.
apologies bound by spit were silenced by the washcloth you
ran down my spine, your eyes radiated nothing but love.
you haven’t looked at me the same ever since.

but for a while i didn’t care
because i could forget the bad to only see the good
and i could deal with falling asleep to the howls of my own sorrow,
strung along by the hope that tomorrow you would douse the burning bridges,
but the flames grew too high for me to handle,
and i decided it was time i run through the ring of fire to safety
because i’d rather suffer a small burn than be engulfed in your blaze.


take this how you will but just know
this is not an ode to my sadness,
to the heartbreak you put me through.
this is my way of saying that after i scoured through the barren lands known as your heart, i’ve finally made my way out.
this is my way of saying that after ten forsaken months,
i am free.

you say things are spiraling down but honestly i can't remember the last time they were looking up.

on and off
and two
and a half years later
and you’ve still never called me
      beautiful.

"i just want to be held right now."
"stop being so needy lol"

it all just keeps piling up.

It's as if each night I toss and turn once more than the last.
      as if each night I contemplate and calculate the chance, the risk, and the hope of falling back into you.
      as if each night in my dreams I hear your name more than my own breath and it's as if each night is spent with your memory etched into my brain just as it is etched into this paper and I might sound crazy but I'd give anything to look into those shaky eyes and promise you the world one last time.

I want to fold you up and save you for a rainy day, so that when the lightning strikes my calloused fingertips it will ignite a spark that burns across the entire east coast and the thunder that follows will match our quickening heartbeats.
When I was a child I would cower under the covers until the storm blew over but now I welcome you like a dusty game of monopoly under a pounding tin roof and I don't care if the power goes out because there's enough energy between us to keep the skyline lit for days.

Call me baby and tell me that when you look at me you see nothing but the stars. I want to awaken in you a fire that you've never felt before but I can't help but feel like I'll leave you scorched to the bone.

What if you wake up one morning and realize you've made a huge mistake?

You always looked at me as if you were better.
Maybe it is because drugs were never your forte and
through me they flowed so easily.
but I do recall a boy who craved
to be a part of my
scene, but he didn't belong what
with his Nike socks and his
Polo shirts.
That couldn't be it,
because you wanted
every other girl there
over me and nearly ****** my
best friend in the bed that
held me the day before.
I was never good enough for you.
I didn't work out and
especially didn't not in
matching gear from all of your
expensive favorites.
I preferred botched up jeans and
a flannel that didn't quite match
my beanie or
my shoes.

You always looked at me as if you were better.
Hell, you'd rarely even
hold my hand in
your car let alone in
public, did you worry about
how it looked to be seen with
someone like me? Someone who
you'd give that same disgusted look
every ******* day?
You'd look at me with complete
self-glorification and absolute
lack of empathy, no love
left for the girl who would
slit her own ******* throat
if you truly desired it.

You always looked at me as if you were better.
****, maybe you are.