I wonder if I had the choice would I
yell for time to travel way back?
I want it to so much now,
For time to slowly inch its way back.
Or to at least to avoid this situation,
To have never walked into this place.
Because now I'm not really living
While I'm watching you with her.
I watch as you kiss her neck.
And it makes me miss you so much.
And I should be living
Because I can hear the clock ticking over my head.
But this is what happens to me
When someone scoops out my heart
And leaves me with an empty heart-shaped shell.
It is the oddest feeling.
I think it might feel like death.
But why shouldn't you be blissfully happy,
with her?
I ask.
Maybe it hurts so much
And that is the reason
I don't want you to become two.
Or maybe it is
Because she was prettier than me,
Taller than I am,
Or skinnier than I could ever try to be.
I was never enough.
Not for you.
Maybe my heart is just broken.
Don't worry.
Because I realized that fairy-tales don't exist for every little girl.
And I'll just leave you with her
All wrapped up in your magical world.
You won't see me.
And I'll walk out of the door.
With a scooped out heart,
Only a shell of a heart
To leave you unaware and wrapped up in your own fairy tale.
And maybe someday I'll be able to look at those magical dust filled pages
Without a single pang of regret.
But for now my heart-shaped shell
Cannot take the pain.
And I can try to yell for time to quick click backwards,
In hopes the memories will erase forever,
So I won't have to remember you with her.

I want to shatter glass.
Slow motion.
Bullets fly.
Glass rains.
A smile breaks.
Teeth gleam.
Eyes shine.

I dive in deep.
I expect to plunge into the deep depths of it,
Instead I fall into a shallow cesspool.
It's my own doing.
I am the only one to blame.
You told me to take a leap of faith.
Your faith.
I did this all for you.
I dove into a shallow, shallow pool
So why, tell me love, why do I feel as if dying underwater?
My lungs are mashing together,
And it is too late for me to speak.

You will have to take duck tape and
Shut me inside this closet
and throw away the key
Then while you are tearing
Picture by Picture
Into tiny strips
You will ask what did you miss from this life.
Because somewhere you headed down the wrong ***** track.
And then you will come back
Staring at this white door.
And when you try to unlock it
You will have found you have lost the key
You will dig through 10 billion pockets
Never finding your answers
And I will laugh through my duct taped mouth.

I waited for you to tear me apart.
The "I miss yous"
And other sweet words
Nothing mattered while you were holding me.
I sunk into you.
Worrying all while
for another scar.
And
Another tear.
I gave up my fears for you.
And then you tore me apart.

And now I cannot eat
I cannot sleep
Waiting for those late night calls...
I cannot think...
Thoughts are useless...

Darling dear,
you gave me a scar
unlike anyone else

And I am not sure I will recover.

Your voice seeps into me.
And I'm not sure
How it got here or how it
Got stuck like peanut butter
On the roof of my mouth.
Your voice, it just won't budge.
And for just this one moment I forget
that I'm not suppose to remember
just how perfectly that voice sounds.

I pray one prayer.
I pray this prayer because
I cannot live without you.
You are the only one who will throw my ashes into the sea,
So please don't go.
If you leave me I will cry a new river.
I won't be able to move.
I won't eat.
I won't be able to sleep.
My heart will have disappeared into a void
And a black hole will have taken its place.
So please, please...
Start running, start eating right, and watch your speed on those highways.
I cannot lose you.
If you die,
I will suffer.
The effect will be death.
I think I have this one right to be completely and utterly selfish.
Because who else will scatter my ashes?
I prayer this one prayer:
Outlive Me. Outlive Me. Outlive Me.

I wake up to the face of a shining angel.
Perfection cannot be found or so they tell me.
But I find perfection in your ridges and valleys.
And it is all amplified by the voice
I hear that slips out your mouth.
The most delicate poetry I've ever heard are the words you write.
Words are sewn together by the most fragile string.  
And I wish your magnificence could be spread across the world like pixie dust.
This is more than just mounds of revision
Or rough rawness.
This is utter perfection in one swift swing.
And I love your for it.
I love you for the perfection I'll never find.

This is a procession of bodies.
Him on the couch, right next to me tonuge stuck too far down.
You there too far away. Too confusing. Too much too anything. Too little everything.
Another stuck somewhere in the middle. Cute and sweet and here for now.
One right at my fingertips. A friend. A must have filled with so much hope.
Another too clingy, without spark. In no certain place at all.

And there will be others...  I think.
But what I have learned,
body after body,
Is that this is how the procession takes place.

Red and Green can bleed together
Short quick flashes
Of Green spark my heart
And I dive into another world.
I often think it's like a green traffic light on the fritz.
Sadly, I forget this new world
Is based on the rules made way back in reality.
I want my own little world I discovered years ago.
I want to drown myself the murky muddy puddle of it.
I have found knowledge is deadly for some.
The up lifting emotions
Soon will turn to dread.
And the green flashes will slowly turn red.
My insides itch and my feet beg my mind to trigger a switch.
Then my heart drops like cement.
This is when I decided I've had enough
And I hit delete
Until the mix of Red and Green begin to bleed together once again.

My dreams.
I cannot really sleep.
I think someone would call it a nightmare.
Let me apologize in advance.
I had to shoot you in the head.
Bullets travel through this pistol
And I watched as you fell.
You were going to eat me alive.
I met a guy I'd never met.
He had a sawed off shotgun.
I said hello
Because he was the only one trying to save
Me.
And I kept waking up expecting you to be
Gnawing off one of my limbs.
But I awoke to loneliness.
My dreams used to be so sweet.
My dreams used to be my escape.
Now nothing is sweet.
Now there is no escape.
And I cannot sleep.

With you and I hand in hand,
I met infinity,
Inside a ticking time bomb.
Our hands were interwoven,
as we walked through walls.
Somewhere along this awful winding trail with its many S curves ,
I'd found what most others have lost.
And inside forever I lived,
Until the end.
Happily with you I spent forever,
hand in hand.

I'm the combination of too many wrong words
And not enough of the right ones.