i remember feeling excited
thrilled with joy
now i hide away
floating in silence

my insides are lit up
and i am conscious of myself
but my desire has escaped me
who pulled the carpet?

who has such control?
why have i lost my sense of self?
i'm fading, mother

i'm fading

Games,

I always told you I were good at them,
and you laughed and said you could play them better.

Now it's cold and I need my sweater,
your love is gone and my cheeks are wetter.

But it's suppose to get better.
I shouldn't feel so dead.
The only emotion I've felt at this point,
is when we laid in bed.

Games,

I guess you were right..
Because you're not the one up at night,
Replaying thoughts and causing fights
Playing games involving knives
I'll mark my skin, yeah that's right
I'll write your name, end my life
Games.

With this last goodbye, I leave you this.

With this last goodbye, I miss your kiss.

With this last goodbye, I realize that the pain and the lies and constant fights were the dagger that caused us to die.

With this last goodbye, I wish I put the dagger down. Thought it was funny to juggle it, but look who's crying looking at the puddle now.

With this last goodbye, I realize I wasn't perfect. Maybe not worth it.

But with this last goodbye, I realize love is worth it, it's meaningful and deep, I hope to god I hold you in between the sheets, with this last goodbye, I say, sorry I love you.

i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

my hands haven’t
stopped shaking,
since she’s left
she took my soul with her

heartless and numb
cold to the pain
i break my teeth on bottles,
forgetting your name

i want me back,
my peace and my sanity
for all you caused was pain
put a dagger in my chest
and ****** my name

i miss you
i wont lie
my love for you is true
but the pain you left is everlasting
so when i call for you
i find myself, screaming
catastrophe.