Living, dying, it's all relative
You can summarize my life with a metallic click.
I don't want to be alive anymore.
I don't even care to make these words sound beautiful.

I'm just being brutally honest.

*******,
**** me,
**** the world,
I'm out,
Peace

I find company amidst the strange.
Solace in anything idiosyncratic.
Normalcy leads to boredom,
And a boring life leads to sooner death.

Dear Megan

I've loved, and I've lost
I've turned, and I've tossed,
You haunt me at night,
When I think you're gone from my heart

tears still come to my eyes,
Every once in a while
When I miss you most,
Is when I listen to all my old CD's

I could change your world
With a touch of my lips
And a brush of your hair
I would once again
Be your center of gravity

You make me know how it feels
To be breath taken

I see sunshine through the rain
I gain power from my pain
No more running delusionaly deranged

I'll put my hopes in faith,
And my head on straight,

Cause I got my baby back

I wanna jump off
A diving board
Into a galaxy
And float away
To discover
Myself

As another long night ends,
I hear your voice
Lulling me into
Darkness

The only place I can still kiss you

I'm not the type of person to lie,
And tell someone that everything
Is going to be okay
But I tell you that
Because
I can't stand seeing you look so hopeless

Soon I'll leave this all behind
I'm California bound

Roses are red.
Violets are violet
And with all of this *******
I'm about to get violent

Everything we ever had was built on sand.
we were doomed to fail from the start,
But I enjoyed every minute of catastrophe I could spend with you.

Love songs keep me going
but the worst part is knowing
That after everything we’ve been through
It’s him and not me now lying next to you

Another bottle down, another lonely night
Drown the feeling I try so hard to keep inside
I can’t help that you’re always on my mind
I should have seen it coming, I should have seen the signs
I should’ve seen through the lies you told me each and every time

I can’t smoke you out,
I can’t drink you away
I still feel the pain
You left me with every day

You carry around my heart,
But I wear it on my sleeve
I loved you from the start,
But you don’t remember me

I'm just really sad right now. I feel so worthless and unappreciated. I'm an optimist and I try and look on the bright side but the world just makes it so hard. It's hard to keep being compassionate and mindful in a world that's so ugly and greedy and ambitious with people who would sell their mothers skin for personal gain. The love of my life left me for the dude she cheated on me with and I can't stop thinking about it. Him holding her. Kissing her. Making love to her the way I did and it makes me want to **** myself. I don't want to be miserable anymore. I need to end my attachments to others and learn to be happy on my own. I know all happiness comes from within, and the Dharma is my guide. I just need to pull myself out of this rut. Get my **** together, keep working at my job and finally graduate. I just feel like I have a thousand pounds of weight on my shoulders like a bar bell I can't toss off. My anxiety makes my stomach hurt all the time. I'm so different from everyone else. No one really "gets" me like that. Everyone else is so material, bland, and blind to the truth. They all just look at my like I'm crazy. Like I'm gonna douse myself in gas and light myself on fire in protest of their sins. I', just in a terrible spot in my life and this is the one place that I feel like I can be honest. I'm sorry to bother you all... goodbye

I hear voices
yes you do
They're unfamiliar
who are you?
Get out of my head
but I like it here
You're not welcome
face your fears
I won't talk to you
Oh, yes you will
I have no choice
time to ****?
why am I so crazy?
you're been so alone
I'm crying now
*come on, pick up the phone
Dial  your friends and listen to the tone
Of a voicemail message, they left you at home
again
Soon, you an I will be best friends
I'll make sure we have a beautiful and red end

I feel,
Helpless
Insecure
Vulnerable
And open

I hate that feeling
It's like my anxiety
Is the pillow thats
Being held over my face
Suffocating the happiness out of me
Slowly,
painfully,
Without a care
The life being stripped
from my bones
And all my tears
Dance down my cheeks
As rivers of melancholy
That I've tried so hard to dam

Just another city kid
Trapped in the grip of Wanderlust

I tasted the air this afternoon
I tasted dry snowflakes and pollution
Another day in this ohio wasteland
Many things come to mind with that word
Wasteland
Is it me that's wasting away?
Or is it my enviornment ?
Woodlands rapidly giving way to back alleys
And second rate apartment complexes
Or is it me
My true inner being
My real self slowly giving way to society's mandates
Like a tree falling lonesome with his sound unheard
And with no lumberjack to yell timber,
Does the deadfall go to remain unnoticed?

Fire, smoke, scorched to dust
The fire we tended with care,
Has burned out with us

Here I am,
the boy with the heart made of lead
And the feet made of brass
Always wondering why I feel so weighed down.

The ripples spread
From beneath the Oak leaf
That landed on the murky water
And he watches them as they spread,
Further and further
Like family and friends
Growing farther and more distant at the end
But that’s okay
Because beneath these trees,
And the falling leaves,
Sit you and me,
And “We” is all I need.

Sometimes
I wonder about
Friendship
The meaning of the word
What friends are worth
And what I'm worth to them

These synthesized notes and drum loops
Have me travelling through space
Phasing in and out of reality
Passing through a unicorn shaped nebula
Into the face of the sun
Where I gather energy
And explode into a radiant burst of light
Illuminating all the galaxy with a force
That is clear and white
And shining true onto all beings
Savior of the universe

I've written copious amounts of poetry in my lifetime.
Stacks on stacks of notebooks and paper pads filled to the point of bursting.
But none of these thousands of words
Can arrange themselves in the correct order
To express how lovely I think you are.

I found myself missing you
Craving the sound of your voice
And the taste of your neck
And the feeling of your fingers
Tracing the edge of my scruffy jawline
And That look in your eyes that reflects
All of your Californian dreams
And that's when I realized
I Love You

She passes me by,
A scent of flowers and perfume
She flashes those eyes,
As she struts across the room
And she still wonders why,
When I say,
I can't get over you

Sometimes tears just don't happen.
Sometimes you feel your soul crack like glass
And watch the pieces fall in glittery shards
To a floor that's as unforgiving as those who made you this way.

When the suns light escapes your grasp and you're left to wrestle with your darkness,
The night can smile warmly, or with bared teeth.

These days just slide in
And slide out
Like I'm watching the discovery channel
Showing a time lapse of 6 months
In six seconds
And while time moves forward
I'm still here
Stuck in the same old spot
In the same old rut
And I find myself asking
To the stars, if anything
"Where do I belong?"

Where will you be,
when the sun sets on me?

I wonder if the moon ever tries to talk back.
I wonder if the sky is bothered by the smell of my cigarettes.
Does the sun squint back at me?
Do the clouds watch me pass by?
Who knows.

Last night I committed Armed robbery
Which isn't unusual, really
It's how I get by
But it's horrible when you sacrifice yourself for your friends
And they leave you out to dry

Shows you who your real friends are, right?
They'd rather take your cut and get high
Calling a thousand times to no reply,
******* guys,
See if you look the same now in my eyes
You ******* cowards
You left me to die
And I'll remember that when you call and cry
"Oh, Ronnie, loan me some money, I really need it"
And I'll say
"Remember when you left me to get shot?
******* punk, beat it!"

You're all lucky I don't come back with my gun
And blast you ******* away
There will be nowhere left to run,
And this dog will have his day
I won't sleep with the sun
Till I get my ******* pay

When I see you I want to *****,
When I'm without you I simply cry
I can't solve these issues in a sonnet,
You've moved on... why can't I?

What does one do, when they don't feel whole?
How does one cope with a loss worse than death?
At least death is a certain, uncompromising finale.
You leaving has left me wondering, thinking to myself
About what I could have done to make you stay,
Or words I could have said to change your mind.
But I think the worst of it all,
Is knowing that no amount of pretty poems,
Or whimsical wishes upon dead stars,
*will ever bring you back to me.

Such wasted potential.
How long has it taken me to make this decision?
Why have I been wasting these past few years?
I need to get myself on track
Before I'm to far off the rails to realign.
I will be something.
I will be great.

I had my own little circle of Hell.
Demons prodded me with needles.
****** souls invited me to their homes
filled with smoke and treason.

I was sitting in a burning throne of lies and addiction.
With piles of broken glass pieces and hypodermic syringes as a foot rest.
Then one day a hole opened in the sky above
and a single blue jay flew down
and rested upon my boot tip.

He said "Why do you choose to live here, so washed out and broken?"
"Because it is the only place I feel at home, Blue Jay" I replied.
"There is sunshine just beyond your fingertips!" He countered.
"The only light that beckons me is the hellfire surrounding us, bird" I retorted.

"Come with me" he sighed.
Suddenly the blue jay grew ten times his size and sprouted incredible wings.
He made me climb upon his back and soar out of the pit I had become so accustomed to.
"Look at what the sun has to offer," said the blue jay.
there were green fields and rushing rivers,
Playing children I had forgotten existed.

In my place, my personal hell,
I had forgotten about the sun.
the skies were smudged black
And the painted clouds rolled down in grey
Like oil on canvas.

When you're in hell, it's so easy to forget
About the world above.
Seeing past yourself and into the setting sun
Becomes an impossibility.


" Do you see?" said the bird.
"I do see, but what is it I am looking past?" Said I.
"The little things." blue jay replied.
"The little things that used to please you, before you became a monster."
"The rivers used to make you feel whole as you skipped stones across their uneven expanse.
The children reminded you of your innocence before you became what you are. The fields were your home, where you would catch sun and ponder things before you became this."

Suddenly all my cravings vanished.
The black cloud that hung over me stopped pouring rain
And started beaming light.
The portal from whence we came had closed.
I had come home.

The blue jay flew to the ground and let me off his back.
"Now you see," he said, "You see what you had been missing."
He shrank, and flew away into the trees
Leaving me at home,
in my fields,
again.

Woe, is me
He who cares not for himself
And not much for others
Woe, is me
I haven't left my bed in days
I'm safe under these covers
Woe, is me
Part of me wants to get up,
The other wants to smother,
Woe, is me
Woe, is me
Woe, is me...

I wonder if I disappeared,
Would you come and look for me?
Would you know I was gone?
I don't want to be forgotten...

I can't seem to write anymore,
The words don't come like before,
I'd like to see what I have in store,
For the future,

Writers block plagues me,
Trying to write, end up in a daydream
I almost wish I'd not written at all,
I feel I'll never break down,
these mental walls,
Of no creativity,
Poems once clean cut and well written
Now laced with obscenity
I thought I could write for infinity,
But it seems writing is no longer fit for me

I don't want to write about you,
But I have to,
It's the only way to get you off my mind
The only way to calm the voice inside,
To speak of you, your name, your eyes,
You make me feel fully alive,
I've so much left so say of you, doll,
But I'll say it in time,
Over dinner and a fine white wine
You're mine.

Trapped in flesh and bone,
Encased in anxiety and insomnia.
God help me.

I am sure that
The number of stars in the sky
Doesn't come close to the number
Of times you've crossed my mind

You're the best part of my life
My one unending constant
All the darkness in my mind
Is put at ease by your light

I can practically taste your lips
Pressed against mine
I can feel my hands on your hips
And your breath upon my neckline

But it's the little things you miss
A smile, a text, a tender kiss
Only you can make me feel like this
My mind subsides and I unclench my fist
To hold your hand in mine and know that this
Is the happiest I've ever been

It's all because of you,
All because of eyes so blue
They bring out the truth
And the romantic
In me

she wants to end her life,
She's miserable, and sad
At the end of the night,
She misses what they had

There's many other lovers,
That come in between
The the memories that haunt her,
Still lay dormant in her dreams
The life that she used to love,
Is falling apart at the seams

She talks to me at night,
I feel as if I'm loved
But I know that she's still crying,
And that I'll never, be enough

Lips of velvet and skin of satin,
I long to wrap myself in the comforts,
Of these lavish fabrics,
Your hair smells of wildflowers,
So I fill my home with them,
Petunias and lilacs and daisies
All to remind me,
Of you
The wildflowers on my kitchentable are wilting,
Yet still, somehow, retain their life.
Just as the love I had for you, too,
Slowly wilted, and started to die
The pedals soon start to fall,
As too do memories of you, me, and of it all
Stems are starting to bend,
Reminding me once again,
That all good things, such as you and I,
Are only mortal, eternally ******,
That all good things, must come to an end
But there's still the future to look forward too,
I need to look forward to that, instead of reflecting,
On what could have been

To think I've wasted so many beautiful words on you.
All these poems mean nothing now.
All of these verses just add fuel to the fire of my bitterness.
I'll douse them in gas,
throw them above my head
and set them ablaze while they rain their eloquent ashes down  upon my melancholy soul.
Arrangements once soft and light hearted
now fill me to the brim with negativity that I want to regurgitate back into your mouth and watch you drown on all the stress you caused me.
I want my pain to fill your lungs like fire and pepper spray,
searing through to what's left of your callous heart.
You never deserved me.

I know you're out with your friends
And you won't see this for a while
But I'm at my wits end my dear
Longing to see your smile

I hope these verses still give you
Butterflies like they used to
Right now I feel so blind
Because I can't picture life
Without you
And the color blue that
Your eyes radiate
That Belongs on every artists canvas

I need you dear
Don't you soon forget
With you I can face my fears
Live life with no regret

I figured I'd write you this
Because I know things are rough
I'll leave you poems and a gentle kiss
To fill the hole back up

You're my world baby doll
Wouldn't trade you for anything
If you ever feel alone
Just remember
You're my everything.

I love you. <3

I want to rip my flesh open,
And tear out your influence by force.
I want to split my skull with a chisel,
Insert a hypodermic syringe into my frontal cortex,
And drain my memories of you into a bucket of wasted time.
I want to regurgitate the anxiety you left me with
Into a black and sloppy pile at the throne of your falsehood.
An offering to set me free from these chains,
So held down, hands bound by your instabilities,
Your insecurities, that ate us both alive.

I'm so sorry it had to end this way.

I add kindle to the fire
That burns deep down inside
Everytime it is I pick up the pen
As I sit down to write
Upon the white
Pieces of paper
That send your name back to me
Reminding me of
A soul that gleams
With the beauty of
Caspian seas

I just want my smile back
Now it's stuck in pictures and glass jars
owned by people I no longer care for.
Every day is dimmer than the last.
You took my eyes and turned them black and grey
in a world full of colors I'm no longer able to see.
You took something very valuable from me.