You couldn't call me on my ****
Tell me I ****** up
Instead you get ******
So when I thank you
For being the only person
Not to tell me happy birthday
Like I asked
You get even more ******
Well *******
And the horse you rode in on
You wanted to leave
Because one bad joke
Well adios I didn't need you
I'm an *******
Always will be
So thanks for proving me wrong
You're just like the rest of them
Only thing different
Is your sense of humor

I'm counting the text and calls
Hearing voicemails while I'm at work
Checking facebook and instagram
Photos of the good days
When worry was a sack of ****
And a bottle of *****
Easily taking care of me
Video games for hours
Time just passing you by
Forgetting what day it was
Or if you missed another year
But I didn't care to hear it from them
I was waiting for you to text me
For you to call
Maybe hearing your voice would make today
Less of another day
And one worth living
20 years old as of today
And valentines day is around the corner
Maybe forgetting me now
Is a better way of saying
I'll be even more lonely four days from now

I can smell the wax burning
20 candles I dont want to blow out
In only 5 hours
I'll have learned 20 more lessons
On how to be a man
They never teach this in school
How to provide for your own
How to love without getting hurt
Its only mathematics and history
Neither which will save me
From dreading the day
I hear infant cries from across the hall
How do prepare for adulthood
When the world only wants to watch you fail
I have 20 birthday candles to blow out
On only a donut
While I'm speeding through traffic
Rushing to work
Because my alarm didn't go off
How do just grow up
When nobody teaches you about life
Its not a manual you can read
Its not a book you can check out
Its just something you learn the hard way
So before you ask me who gave me
Black eyes and broken bones
Know life has been beating the **** out me
Because I was never ready
For a life where only you
Stood before judges and juries
Sentenced to death
For murdering the voices
You grew tired of hearing
20 years I've struggled
Nothing ever got better
I'm still begging
Someone teach me
Before I face tomorrow

She finally did it
She had the nerve
It came as easy as 1,2,3
For you and me.

This was her breaking point
Her time to fly high
End all this pain inside
to just call it her end.

In her manic state
Impulse hit her
She wraps the rope
Around her neck

She pulls it tight
Her tears fall
Her breathing becomes
Shallow and painful
The room starts grow dark.

Time passes
uncertainty as to how long.
What is going on?
Am I still alive?
Why is it so cold?

I'm numb.
I cant feel anything.
No pain.
No love.
Nothing.
Its...

Perfect.
After all this searching
For what is missing
I have finally found it!
I've never felt better!

Then...
I start to see a light again
and breathing becomes even more painful
and the pain starts to come back..

NO
WAIT!
I'm happy here!
I fight, I resist
I don't want to go back
I cry - more pain
I feel - more heartbreaking tears
I remember - more terrifying memories
The world growing heavier upon my shoulders again.

I'm back..
What I once thought for a brief minute or two was my new safe place, Inner-peace pain free zone was only an attempt.

Now the question that circles is
WHY did you save me?






Right before Christmas (2015) the stress built up and I "tried" to **** myself. Though i did succeed for a brief moment and it was an attempt cause my s.o. found me and brought me back to life. though i am still sitting here question why and wondering what my purpose is. Ive had a tad bit of writers block but i want to get this story out there too so this is all i can get hopefully at a later date there can be a better poem.

If anyone is struggling with depression and ever is stopping to this level I am here to talk and I encourage it all I needed that night was someone to talk to and no one was there for me prior to the moment.

He's the person I've loved in a way that I haven't loved anyone else, he's the person I call when I'm about to cry, he's the person I call when I'm happy. He knows me more than I know myself and I've memorized every single detail about him. I'm too attached. Way too attached to let go now but it's a matter of trust and loyalty. No matter what I end up thinking about him, nothing's ever too distracting enough to make me stop thinking about him. I'm lost and confused and doubting the idea of us still being together. He completes but somehow there's something missing. Love's a ****** up feeling and I'd rather be numb right now than feel everything at once. I want to open up to my friends without sounding like a weak and helpless person and my friends tell me things I don't want to hear. I used to say I was strong enough and I know my worth but **** when it comes to love everyone's weak and helpless. and one thing's for sure there are no happy endings in this messed up world.

the other day I was approached by a friend when she asked
"what happened to you?"
and my mind just panicked as if I was holding in some sort of mysterious secret that I couldn't allow anyone to know and all I could do was stare blankly
following this question my frail body stormed to look in the mirror as I wondered why I don't see certain things anymore
I constantly think about where those pieces of myself drifted off to so I just could not answer her
God, why couldn't I just tell her how I feel like I can see that girl standing directly ahead of me and I'm reaching out to her with open arms inviting her into my embrace but she does not want to be held any longer because she no longer likes affection shes cold  and shes still afraid to be grasped by any sort of warm touch
why didn't I have the stomach to tell her that that girl standing in front of
me is not willing to spring joyfully back to her creator as she does not have the physical capabilities she used to
do you see her?
am I the only one who can see?
the tendons in her legs are diminished and she can not even fully draw open her eyes
and she cannot see me
she is losing
she is losing
she is losing
she is dead.