I adjusted myself to the whims of guys who saw me as a playground

I thought that was what I had to settle for as a single girl in a world where "being casual" is an expectation

But deep down I knew
this is not what I wanted to do.

But if I did any less, I still felt sad
People pleasing is what makes me glad

My religious upbringing and morals caused me to see intimacy as something more
Having fun with no feelings is not what I was destined for
Through trial and error I learned more.

Who am I?
What lights my fire?
What is my actual true desire?

Being intimate with someone who actually cares about me
Who sees me as more than an amusement ride that is free

I encourage other girls in a similar position
To think hard and use their own true volition

To discover what it is that suits them best
Women should not have to settle for anything less

I care for you
And your brilliant mind
Being with you I find peace
Which is normally hard to find

Conversations
Endless and fun
You believe in me
When I think everything is done

These feelings
Are hard to describe
Normally I talk
But these thoughts I can't scribe

Alas

What do I do?
Do I tell you?

Afraid to make changes
for things to turn out wrong
to ruin
everything
keep things where they belong

I fear the repercussions
Of expressing my truth
As I've already done it
I need to get over it
Get over it, I'll try
But I'm stuck under it
Can't reach the sky

Deep down I know
You don't feel the same
So repression shall win
In this heartbreaking game

My pain is intense
My mood dips
I am fat
I feel every ounce of fat on my hips
I try
I desperately try to diminish my size
So I no longer cry
at the sight of my thighs
Body acceptance?
It all seems like lies
Drowning.

I try to restrict
Eat less and less
occasionally "binge"
what the hell, I'm a mess
Exercise more
Move to and fro
But sadly it's not working
My mood dips low
Yet my meds numb me out
Their happiness is fake
Why am I on them?
It's been several years
Don't know if I need them
They cause many tears

Deep in my heart,
I'm clearly aware that
the medication I'm on
is making me fat
Stop taking that.
I try to take less
Lower my dose with care
But withdrawal hits hard
I'm sad and aware

The lights in my head
quickly turn off
Nobody told me
this would happen when I stop
I can't win
But need a way out
Mental health care needs improving
until it does, I will shout

I had almost given up
Put the phone away
Tried to move forward
No more to say

But then I met you.

Scared but excited,
We went on a date
I worried I ruined it
Doom was our fate.

But you said it went well.

Date number two
My feelings had grown
Felt a connection
Sort of at home

So much in common
You were so nice and kind,
Asked to hold my hand
Stimulated my mind

But now it’s all over.

You were seeing someone else
Picked her over me
Rejected and hurt
How could this be?

In the past,
My self esteem would have been shot
But now I know
To think better thoughts
To know I am worthy
Of being someone’s first pick
That you’re missing out
Good luck with that chick
I can do better
I can move on
Won’t drown in my feelings
I'll look towards dawn

To me rejection is like an infection.

I know other opportunities exist
But the feeling of rejection sticks to me like a cyst

I remind myself that there's more out there
That this isn't an attack on me, or signs they don't care

Don't itch a mosquito bite, you'll make it worse
A scab will form, the pain makes you curse

"I'm not good enough" is my bite,
and rejection is the itch that I can't control.

So I sit with these feelings
After elevating my hopes
Sad, depressive thoughts
Immobilize me like ropes

"Be more resilient"
"This shouldn't affect you this much"

These things ring some truth,
but helpful they are not.

I live with intensity, my brain always on
Thinking numerous things, more than humming a song

When excited I'm ecstatic, but when sad I'm more blue
My biology I can't change, coping is all I can do.

So how does one weather crippling rejection?

Believe in yourself, there's still more to do
Keep yourself busy until the storm passes through
Don't beat yourself up for feeling unreasonably blue
Boost yourself up in ways that suit you

Just one look
and feelings a year old
come flooding back

I'm not your type,
but sometimes,
human attraction just doesn't make sense.

The way you say my name
is a symphony to my ears
Smart, successful, attractive
Thoughts race as we cheers

Is it crazy?
Yes.
Because you I barely know

But sometimes you just have this sense
Conversation easily flows.

It's just a crush, an obsession
Girls probably fall at your toes.
But sometimes it's nice to have a dream
Even if nowhere's where it goes

I know your success
Does not mean I have failed

But my brain is not convinced
Self battering has prevailed