My mind wages wars over bread
Wishing that part of my mind was dead

My clothes feel different
How could this be?
Thought I was okay
Try to eat healthily

Alas.
I know I've gone too far
I can't tolerate the feeling of extra skin
Exercise MORE.
Torturous thoughts begin

I sit and try to eat.
But why

The feeling of an empty stomach
coincides with feelings of pride
Accomplishment. Resistance. Power.
And it grows with each passing hour.
The feeling of losing weight,
one of the few things that brightens my state.
Joy, bliss, satisfaction.
But this feeling is fleeting
Like slippers on an icy *****
You fall from your perceived grace
As your mind crumbles
Gone without a trace
Barely recognize your face
Disgrace.

Abandon everything on the pursuit of perfection.
Restriction becomes the object of your affection
When really it's more of an infection.

I want to accept my body you see
Be proud of all it does for me
Make peace with my flaws,
the size of my thighs.
Grow in contentment, no matter how wide.
Self acceptance.
Seems so far away
6 years and counting, still struggle to this day.

Enough.

Your body is the vehicle
through which you experience this world
Perfecting it is unattainable.
As a society, we have more to accomplish than banishing cellulite
or fat.
Make discoveries, help each other, and grow,
Now just imagine that.

Our minds shouldn't be waging wars over bread,
Let's promote peace and end real wars instead.

Time and time and time again
I come back to the same thought
The same feeling
The same obsession
Lying on my back, staring at the ceiling

Intensity.

Why haven't I studied today?
I feel my body, and it's not okay.
Every part feels like it is too much, I am too much
What happened?
How did I let it get this way?

Tears.

I am too uncomfortable in my skin
Depression is beginning to win.

Despair.

Let the thought spiral begin.

Fat.
Ugly.
Stupid.
Failure.
Disgusting.
Worthless.
Disgra­ce.

A sadness and sorrow so encompassing it feels as though you've been winded.
Ripped in half.
You want to cry
While your demons laugh.

Skills, coping mechanisms, lessons learned
Yet nothing seems to actually work
Just let it be, leave it alone
While you feel like you're being smashed by a stone

Recovery.
Stuck half way.
More work to do.
To be more okay.

I am enough
Hearing those words said to me
Brings tears to my eyes
My own brain never says that to me
It always spits out lies.

Do more, be more, achieve more.
But it's not a gentle nudge
You must succeed or else you'll be
Forever stuck in sludge

A sludge of thoughts of inadequacy
Mentally beat yourself up
You cannot tolerate any less
You'll face a half empty cup.

Exhausted.
Like a hamster on a wheel.
Mariana's trench deep is how I feel
"Let it go" says Elsa
If I could
I would
I've already tried
4856 times
To get these thoughts out of my mind
"Accept them"
"Try to be kind"
How can I when these thoughts put me in a bind
Paralyze me
Overcome my body like a tsunami
And the CD is stuck on replay
Go away
Go away
But still they stay.
And I still try to slay
The dragon of thoughts in my mind.

Be perfect.
No mistakes.
I'll keep you safe
Don't worry, okay?

Words from the critic inside my head.

Study more, eat less,
Look at you, you're such a mess
Follow my rules
And you'll be great
Excellence will be your fate.

But wait.....
Life is not perfect.

It has ups and downs, twists and turns
Sometimes you're happy, sometimes you get burned

It's a wonderful, messy place.

My whole life I loved my status
I loved being known as smart
It delved deep into me and attached itself to my heart

I survived all of primary and secondary school
On my imaginary pedestal.

But once you're in the bigger world,
It's hard to excel
To know you're the best
So you strive for control
In ways you know best
Food and school
Perfect each test.
Rules rule your mind.

I dream of a day
When I can just be me
Not the best, a little more carefree
Where I don't feel the need to prove my existence
Where failure doesn't bury me in a hole 8 feet deep
Where my expectations are more realistic.

Each day I'm getting closer.
Each day I'm learning more.
Some days I'm more forward, other days I'm back
But as long as I stay on the right track
My battered soul will be free from attack

Dear 17 year-old Laura,

Don't worry so much about being perfect
Don't push yourself to get the highest marks you can get

You certainly don't have to do it all
You deserve a break, even if it's small

You're beautiful
I know you may not think that but it certainly is true
Inside and out
Beautiful, that's you

Ignore the imperfections you see in the mirror
For only you are able to see
The "too big stomach" and "jiggly thighs"
You're gorgeous as can be

I know you're scared to graduate
You became comfortable in high school,
But the world is so much bigger,
Adventure awaits you

Please don't think that you're ugly
Boys will come and go
Focus on liking yourself
Though that's hard, I know

The summer did flash by for you
University hit you hard
Please don't be mad at yourself
For all your "unsightly lard"

You became ill and that's okay
None of this was your choice
It's not your fault you spiraled down
From listening to that voice

The hardest months of your life thus far
You sadly had to endure
Because you couldn't forgive yourself
Mental illness is a blur

Shame and stigma rotted your mind
Made you think this was your volition
Like someone gets cancer, you became sick
Becoming mentally ill wasn't a mission

Your life will slowly rebuild
The future will have ups and downs,
You should be incredibly proud of what you survived
Continue to fight those sounds

I wish that we hadn't dated last year
I'm doing better now
But alas
You're not here

Would timing have changed
Our inevitable fate?
What if I'd been better
In a "more myself" state

--

But I cannot choose
How the cards fall
At the mercy of the moment
Despite wanting to control all

From this I have learned and grown
In innumerable ways
Lessons I can carry
Into life's next phase

Our worlds
were too separate
for us to be together