Breathtaking views
of undisturbed nature.
This is where my heart lies.

The lapping of the water
The cool gentle breeze
As the dock creaks and sways.
I am content.

Barefoot in the grass
The cool earth beneath my feet
The smell of the air is rustic and sweet
Frogs hop away
Your step they hope to beat
This is where my heart lies.

Breakfast on the deck
Sun shines in your face
Skin warm and bright
Your senses filled with grace.

Pitter pattering in the kitchen
Laughter abounds
Friends and family come together
Peace is found
This is where my heart lies.

As I stare at the bay
Stress and concerns float away
A dip in the water
Or a paddle too
Ventures you into the never ending blue.

As the sun sets
and crickets chirp
The stars appear
Lighting the sky
This is where my heart lies.

Crackles from the fire
Music resonates in the air
Stories that inspire
Friends and family that care.

This place is special
Wondrous and enchanted
Magic all around,
Absorbing nature's sounds.

This is where my heart lies.

Facebook memories
Pop on the screen
Gentle reminders
of where you have been
What you have been.

Document happiness
Laughter and joy
But also the sadness
Interleaved in the pictures.

You wonder.

If I had known then
What I know now
Could I have avoided
My major downfall?
Hindsight is clear
Like a picturesque lake
None of us knows
What will be our fate.

So take these memories
Acknowledge they're there
But be proud of your growth
Your climb out of despair
You can't change the past
The future's unknown
But keep making memories
The earth's yours to roam.

Staring at this view
A feeling encompasses you

One that replaces the fear and despair
All of a sudden you become aware
Of how you've been living
With a cloud enveloping your mind
Making enjoyment difficult to find

But in this view
Sadness cannot touch you.
The calmness of the lake
Its surface velvety smooth
The sound of the breeze
Gently moving the trees
Birds chirp and water plants sway
Reminding you it will all be okay

Life is to be lived, experienced and enjoyed
Micromanaging it will not fill the void

Pause and take time
to remember the truth
You are who you are
That's enough.
No more to do.
No need to punish yourself for your perceived flaws
For the flaws lie in your thinking
It's possible to achieve
Without having to leave
Your calm, relaxed self in the dust.
Just believe.

1...2...3...4
I don't want to be underweight anymore.
My intention was never to go this far you see
But overactive self criticism got the best of me.
Determined to gain life back.
But sometimes put off track
by the illusion of control from my perfectionist mind
I sometimes find myself in a bind
My mind at war
What for?
The voice is not a choice
But recovery is
Constantly resisting the urge to restrict
So I will no longer look sick
Life is tough.
Life is rough.
But if a group of small people can change how I see
I can learn to accept just being me.

Imagine opening your eyes in the morning
Yawning at the start of a new day

Birds chirp and the sun shines into your bedroom
As you begin to gain consciousness, you may think
"I'm excited to go to school today" or
"Work will be interesting"

But in my mind the bully steps onto the stage
Get moving, start doing, it endlessly berates
Sleeping in isn't an option today

What I should do is based on my thought out inadequacies
Too fat, too lazy, the gym is where you'll go
But I'm trying to exercise for wellness
Where's the distinction? I don't know.

You didn't accomplish much yesterday
Not enough was done
You should have been studying more
In my mind these thoughts run

You are not good enough
Endlessly on repeat
Overthinking everything
Sensitive to everything I eat.

Intense, strong emotions
cloud my mind
The bully in my head
Is never very kind.

"Just don't listen to it"
"You know that's not true"
But it's so natural and automatic
For years it's told me what to do

This same drive propelled me
To excel in school
To be athletic and involved
It was a useful tool

Before Gr. 12 it wasn't so harsh all the time
When it became more malicious
I am not so sure
I endlessly compare myself to everyone I encounter

So balance is what I'm trying to find
Its inclinations I'm trying to endure

---------------------------------------------------------­---------------

Each day a war
Each day a battle
Some are better than others
I'm striving for equilibrium
And to make peace with the bully

Demonizing the bully is not effective
Nor is dismissing its thoughts
Because bullies have their own muddled pasts
I believe my bully is a little girl that is fraught

She's trying to keep me in line
Aware of the passing of time
Anxious about what's to come
Believes in control, well at least some

I have always worried about the future
Unsure of what lies there
Control is an attempt to ensure success
In a world that is uncertain and unfair

I busy myself in an attempt to distract
But I get so busy I throw myself off track
Forget to focus on what I have learned
To recognize I needn't be so concerned

It seems as I cycle through periods of stress
When my mood and my mind are more of a mess
When my coping methods may not be the best
But rest assured I'm trying, I'm trying on this quest

The surface you see may not really be me
I try to put on a brave face
Decisions, the future, which were terrifying to me
I'm now living through, to discover who I'll be

Before I go to bed
With the bully still in my head
What quiets her is utter exhaustion
But what sustains me is an ember of hope
That what I've endured can help others
All I want to do is help others
And make a difference in someone else's life
To assist them in alleviating parts of their strife

From blue and white uniforms to blue and white pills
Leaving high school was not seamless.

Top of the class, she's having a blast!
But only in that very moment.

Graduation is here, all laugh and cheer,
yet in her something had changed.

I am not good enough, being me is tough
Hey, why not lose some weight.

Moved off to university, anxiety grew.
How many months did she last?
Just a measly two.

The critic in her mind put her in a bind
She truly believed she was doomed.

Time has passed, but she is not cured,
Mental illness isn't straightforward.

Each time I fall back, I come to face the fact
I am ill but learning from my experiences.

Look at me now, it has been 3 years.
She looks thin again, people wonder and fear.

But I'm not the same person I was three years ago
Scared and naive
I have moments of clarity where I recognize the beast
On my personality it wants to feast.

But I will not let it.
I will use my experiences to grow
I will fight with all of my might.

It takes time to rewire your brain
To come to terms with its incessant thoughts

But I will strive to be a healthier me
To find balance
And be more free.

The seed was planted
On a flight across the Atlantic.

For whatever reason
I became aware
My stomach seemed bigger
My attention turned there.

Coming home from a trip
My clothes had a different fit
I became concerned,
Parts of my brain started to churn.

I want to fix this.

The flower I began to cultivate
Was one of anger and self-hate.

But most of Grade 12 I was busy
I had to perfect my coursework
Sports, clubs and a job made me dizzy.

All the while the flower was there
Slowly it grew,
I began restricting and exercising more
Nobody else knew

I wasn't getting results
But I am a goal oriented girl,
So as soon as life wasn't busy,
My mind really started to swirl.

That flower grew much faster
Sprouted very tall,
I hid my self-hate carefully,
Only realizing its horror once it became Fall

Petals have fallen, but parts of that flower still stand.

I'm trying to cut it down,
To resist helping it grow,
So the real me can be found
And a new flower I can sow