Imagine opening your eyes in the morning
Yawning at the start of a new day

Birds chirp and the sun shines into your bedroom
As you begin to gain consciousness, you may think
"I'm excited to go to school today" or
"Work will be interesting"

But in my mind the bully steps onto the stage
Get moving, start doing, it endlessly berates
Sleeping in isn't an option today

What I should do is based on my thought out inadequacies
Too fat, too lazy, the gym is where you'll go
But I'm trying to exercise for wellness
Where's the distinction? I don't know.

You didn't accomplish much yesterday
Not enough was done
You should have been studying more
In my mind these thoughts run

You are not good enough
Endlessly on repeat
Overthinking everything
Sensitive to everything I eat.

Intense, strong emotions
cloud my mind
The bully in my head
Is never very kind.

"Just don't listen to it"
"You know that's not true"
But it's so natural and automatic
For years it's told me what to do

This same drive propelled me
To excel in school
To be athletic and involved
It was a useful tool

Before Gr. 12 it wasn't so harsh all the time
When it became more malicious
I am not so sure
I endlessly compare myself to everyone I encounter

So balance is what I'm trying to find
Its inclinations I'm trying to endure

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Each day a war
Each day a battle
Some are better than others
I'm striving for equilibrium
And to make peace with the bully

Demonizing the bully is not effective
Nor is dismissing its thoughts
Because bullies have their own muddled pasts
I believe my bully is a little girl that is fraught

She's trying to keep me in line
Aware of the passing of time
Anxious about what's to come
Believes in control, well at least some

I have always worried about the future
Unsure of what lies there
Control is an attempt to ensure success
In a world that is uncertain and unfair

I busy myself in an attempt to distract
But I get so busy I throw myself off track
Forget to focus on what I have learned
To recognize I needn't be so concerned

It seems as I cycle through periods of stress
When my mood and my mind are more of a mess
When my coping methods may not be the best
But rest assured I'm trying, I'm trying on this quest

The surface you see may not really be me
I try to put on a brave face
Decisions, the future, which were terrifying to me
I'm now living through, to discover who I'll be

Before I go to bed
With the bully still in my head
What quiets her is utter exhaustion
But what sustains me is an ember of hope
That what I've endured can help others
All I want to do is help others
And make a difference in someone else's life
To assist them in alleviating parts of their strife

From blue and white uniforms to blue and white pills
Leaving high school was not seamless.

Top of the class, she's having a blast!
But only in that very moment.

Graduation is here, all laugh and cheer,
yet in her something had changed.

I am not good enough, being me is tough
Hey, why not lose some weight.

Moved off to university, anxiety grew.
How many months did she last?
Just a measly two.

The critic in her mind put her in a bind
She truly believed she was doomed.

Time has passed, but she is not cured,
Mental illness isn't straightforward.

Each time I fall back, I come to face the fact
I am ill but learning from my experiences.

Look at me now, it has been 3 years.
She looks thin again, people wonder and fear.

But I'm not the same person I was three years ago
Scared and naive
I have moments of clarity where I recognize the beast
On my personality it wants to feast.

But I will not let it.
I will use my experiences to grow
I will fight with all of my might.

It takes time to rewire your brain
To come to terms with its incessant thoughts

But I will strive to be a healthier me
To find balance
And be more free.

The seed was planted
On a flight across the Atlantic.

For whatever reason
I became aware
My stomach seemed bigger
My attention turned there.

Coming home from a trip
My clothes had a different fit
I became concerned,
Parts of my brain started to churn.

I want to fix this.

The flower I began to cultivate
Was one of anger and self-hate.

But most of Grade 12 I was busy
I had to perfect my coursework
Sports, clubs and a job made me dizzy.

All the while the flower was there
Slowly it grew,
I began restricting and exercising more
Nobody else knew

I wasn't getting results
But I am a goal oriented girl,
So as soon as life wasn't busy,
My mind really started to swirl.

That flower grew much faster
Sprouted very tall,
I hid my self-hate carefully,
Only realizing its horror once it became Fall

Petals have fallen, but parts of that flower still stand.

I'm trying to cut it down,
To resist helping it grow,
So the real me can be found
And a new flower I can sow

"Make sure you don't get too skinny on me again"

Thank you for the reminder
But this illness is not a choice
Sometimes life gets harder
And I start listening to the voice

The voice is always there
A back drop to my life
Never forgets to bash me
Its negative phrases are rife.

I struggle to believe in myself
Believe that I'm enough
That I'm actually succeeding in life
Letting go of control is tough

Perfection and anxiety rule my head
Along with depression
These thinking patterns swirl around
They're the source of my oppression.

In the future I forsee
Sadness and anxiety
I don't want to dwindle
I want to feel more like me.

I must choose recovery.

Perfect.
Is unattainable.
Or so I am told.
Then why was 100
Written in bold?
On my high school report card.

Courses I tried to perfect
Taking on every extra opportunity
to raise that mark higher
accepting nothing less than one followed by two zeroes

And this, I was able to achieve
In many courses, which you may not believe
Praise, cheers, congratulations
Nobody could see the underlying complications
Not even me.

Because getting one hundred
Or slightly more
Is all that prevented my mind
From beginning to roar

Because I don't make stupid mistakes
Those I'm not allowed
Losing marks is forbidden
Or my mind becomes loud

Imperfection is intolerable.
At the sight of a mark off
My mind tumbles and swirls
How could you do that?
How do you expect to survive in this world?
Unacceptable.

In high school I attempted to fix it,
Many times being successful
But that is not how university works.
And what if those tainted expectations
Find a new muse?

Self destruction.

For the anger over percentages
Turned into anger at my body.
How I looked
It never really mattered.
I knew I wasn't particularly pretty.
For the first time in Gr. 12
I stared at my mirror
After make up and hair products
Thought
Wow, if I try I can be pretty.

If I try I can make this failure go away
One more pound and I'll be okay
No fat, no wrinkles
Nothing to remind me of the
Never-ending sensation of not being good enough.

Little did I know
That means not existing.

Through hell and back
Make it to university
Now I'm on track
But wait
Perfectionism lays awake
Right behind my back
And it's ruining me.

Verbalizing my struggles
I've been told
"You don't need to get perfect"
But that voice in my head is old

It can't go away with one person's advice
Or yoga session
Or exercise
Or learning it spits out plenty of lies.

Never
Feeling
Good Enough.

Attending university is painful
But apparently it's the only cure
Avoidance isn't the answer.

But what does that mean?
Hm let me see.
One mark off here?
Work harder.  
Devote more time to studying.  
You must do better.
Mistakes are unacceptable.
You are so stupid.
Unacceptable.
Worthless.

A never ending CD playing in my mind.

I hope that my experiences
Can help someone else
That others won't feel so alone
That I can learn to accept myself.
And find a kinder voice
That is my own.

You saw my bracelet
Asked what it said
I felt a bit embarrassed
I think my face turned red.

"My story isn't over yet"
I sheepishly replied
"There's a semicolon too"
A piece inside of me died.

Mental health awareness,
I tried to explain
Yet I be you wondered
If I was truly sane

It might turn you away
I don't know what you'd say
If you knew the real me
What I struggle with each day

It will forever be a factor
When I meet someone new
I'm prepared for the worst,
Most don't know what to do.

Will he understand?
Most probably not.
He'll probably think I'm crazy
I get that a lot

I'll see where this goes
Won't let my hopes rise too high
I may have scared him off,
Always prepared for good bye

Saturday night
The moon is bright
Party happening
Everything's all right.

I meet a nice guy
But what jumps to my mind?

He only likes me because I'm made up
Oh.
Sigh.

He couldn't be interested,
Certainly not.
Once he sees what I really look like
He'll disappear without a thought.

He won't like the real me,
less make up
with glasses.
This certainly won't happen.

Because I am not good enough,
Someone better will come along.
I don't deserve this,
It's all horribly wrong.

Why get my hopes up?
When it's plain to see.
He would never ever
Like the real me.

Consistently fearful of not measuring up
Not meeting expectations.
My mind's in a rut.

I'll lower my expectations
Accept what comes my way.

He may talk to me now,
but probably not in another day.