Being goal oriented
Is a good trait
But what if that goal
Is to control my weight?

In high school I strove
For each course to have a perfect grade
But in university that's tough
The perfectionism monster emerged from the shade.

The reflection in the mirror
Was its next victim to attack
You really don't look good enough
But losing weight is a hack.

Your grades might not be good enough
But at least you're not fat
Perfect your food intake
You can always excel at that.

I can do what others can't
Resist the temptation of food
Yet this mindset only gets me so far
Into the abyss goes my mood.

At first I feel powerful
Mighty and strong
"I'm better than others"
But this doesn't last long.

Because perfectionism takes over
The bully gets loud
One break of the rules
And I'm no longer proud.

I'm controlled.
Living inside my head.
Trying to enjoy life.
When I beat myself up for eating bread.

That's not life.
That's being a prisoner of your mind
A mindset that put me
One year behind.

Yet it's tempting to return to.
When you feel empty inside
When you're so upset with yourself
Not eating gives you pride.

Disappear.
Don't take up too much space
You're too needy, not worthy,
You can't even look at your face.

...

Yet deep down inside I know I'm not alone
I have friends and family that care
Who will help me defeat the bully
Pull me out of despair

I'm learning
Getting better at managing the voices in my head
So I can live life
Eat that piece of bread

It's a tug of war
But I'm learning it's okay
To not be perfect
To know I am worthy either way

Learning to control the expectations
To not have to turn to body control
To be at piece with my mind
And nourish my soul.

The old me is buried deep inside.
The bubbly, hyper, carefree parts of me have faded and disappeared.
Replaced by a demon whispering in my ear.

No longer can I look at food without calculating if it's safe to eat
My mind may tell me to not have it, but I have to accept it's okay to have a treat.
I no longer crave candy, chocolate or chips
The taste of anything too sweet is like poison on my lips.

"Don't think about it"
Excellent advice
If I could turn that voice off
That would be quite nice.

You cannot choose how your mind thinks
How it initially reacts
How in the mirror all I can see
Is layers of never ending fat

How others see the good in me
But I can only perceive my flaws
No matter how well I've done
It just doesn't seem good enough

Each activity I partake in is well overthought
Should I go out tonight? I have to study.
Productivity ties me in a knot.

There's always something I could be doing
Guilt consumes me if I'm not doing it.
But where to draw the line you see
When others have a similar, but not disordered, mindset.

Balance?
What is balance?
Others do it so naturally.
I have to schedule "fun time" and "time for me"

But the monsters of guilt taunt me
Along with Mr. Anxiety
Perfectionism erodes me
Being alive is tough you see.

I fight.
You do not see my battles.
Yet I fight every single day.
Some are better than others,
Some days the voices aren't quite as loud.

I'm never fine
Or truly okay
But I'm learning to accept that.

I can't let these things define my day.
I think I'm learning how to handle them.
So I'm sorry if my perfect exterior has been crumbled.
Or if you feel sorry for me.

But the last thing I want to be is a burden.




The more I learn
The more I can thrive.
So I can feel like I'm truly alive.
For I can't be fixed by a magic pill
Or immediately stop the voices out of pure will.

But I am strong.
I am persevering.
I hope through my struggle
I can help others
Gain vitality

I wonder how people are able to be alone
In solitude and peace.
I am unable to do so
The background noise never seems to cease.

My loneliness I understand
Because in the absence of others
My mind doesn't quiet down
Its chattering is a never ending sound.

How did this happen?  
I wish I knew.
"Just don't think about it"
As if doing so will stop it, out of the blue.

My initial thoughts and reactions
Are automatic and quick
But their vile, evil quality
Certainly makes me tick.

They rarely attack others
What I think of myself I could never say
Yet these thoughts recur in my head
Each and every day.

I feel bad about thinking this way
Another thing to beat myself up about.
Beating myself is easy,
But demise is assumed if there isn't a way out.

I'm trying.
I'm trying to not listen.  To make peace with the noise.
But most situations are a trigger.
Just being alive requires vim and vigor.

I admit I am struggling
And all I have to say
Is I hope I can learn from my struggle
To help others in their struggle someday.

I look in the mirror,
and what do I see?
An overweight girl
Staring back at me.

A girl who has truly let herself go
Who's allowed her body to grow and grow.

But wait, hold on,
my mind is sick,
It persistently insists
that my thighs are too thick.

That picks out things it knows it can fix.

At a cost.

I can't listen to that voice
No matter how much it yells.
I need to make peace with myself,
get out of its spells.

I will achieve balance
I'll fight for recovery to stay
I'm not turning back
From that position, I won't sway.

A dagger was stabbed into her heart
Words are deadlier than weapons

With each and every crude remark
Her mind slips and fades into the dark

When will you understand
That your words burn like searing beach sand

To them , I shall not listen anymore
Today I close that condescending door.

I close my eyes and breathe.

Teleport myself so I'm by the sea.
Sounds of waves crash and fall
Anxiety doesn't encompass all.

I'm okay.
I hear the rhythm of the waves
Their lulling sound
Keeps my feet on the ground
As my head tries to spiral away.

The breeze
Gentle and free
Reminds me to let this feeling be.
This too shall pass.

For the waves never cease to crash and fall
If they do, soon again they stand up tall
I embody their perseverance.

But soon I must face reality
And leave my humble abode by the sea
But their life lessons I shall take
My fearlessness is rooted in the wake

The thoughts cloud my mind
Thoughts of worthlessness and despair
Thoughts infiltrate my head,
They may as well be hair.

Accept them as they are.
Just let them be.
Allow the tears to fall,
Let the pain be free.

Yet how can I continuously feel this way
Allow this pain to grow,
Sit as these unruly thoughts
Fall upon my mind like snow.

I'm up against some demons
Their form has morphed into something new
Demons I'd thought I'd banished away
I once again have to muddle my way through

Mud
For weeks I've been wading in it.
Hoping the rain would go away
Praying it wouldn't be here to stay.

Because I lack complete faith in me
I can not see what others see.

In that picture you look great!
My mind can only conjure up hate.

A prisoner.
Of my own mind.

But this prisoner knows its sentence will come to an end
I am determined with every ounce of might
The demons are here
But I have the will to fight.

I'll reach for the stars
Friends and family that brighten my life.
And will help bring me
into new light.