the key word is were
you were there when i needed you
you were so close and were so kind and were so sweet
the key word is was
he was he was he was
but now my vocabulary craves another word,
another vague verb or two
are
is
and you cannot seem to keep them in a sentence with you
without tacking on an ending
you aren’t there when i need you
he isn’t he isn’t he isn’t
if you aren’t, then who is?

i was so worried that i stopped caring about everything
but then i realized i was just so unhappy
i couldn’t care
it’s not that i didn’t, it’s that i couldn’t
i’m pulling happiness from small things like blustery fall breezes
because i don’t have it so i have to grab it
i have to process it and realize that i’m happy
because most of the time, i’m not.
I went through so many years of my life unhappy,
so unhappy, and only so many people really knew.
I tried to hide it and I kept it bottled up but
sometimes it would seep out.
and now that i’m not keeping it in
it’s taking over me and i’ve stopped caring
and stopped thinking and smiling
and I’m tired all the time
but i am one person and i am not important
and there are so many people out there
who are happy and working and thinking and caring
and i’m trying to think and work and think and care
but i can't
so i’ll try and pull myself some happiness from blustery fall breezes
and i’ll just say I’m sleepy
and the world will go on

when i see you i see zinnias
your hair and your eyes and your rosy cheeks
grow tall and strong and flourish
and know that rainstorms will only make you stronger

i feel like Thumbelina
taking shelter under your leaf-umbrella
and watering you with my tears
in turn i will take care of you when you wilt
and shed many a tear-petal if you need to
(because it’s okay to be sad)

when i see you i see zinnias
your words and your smile and your lovely voice
grow tall and strong and flourish
and know that rainstorms will only make you stronger

hey guess what
he’s not my best friend anymore
because you ripped him from me
you turned him into your toy
and you ignored the concept of sharing
like a bratty kid in a sandbox
you had to get your way
or you’d throw a fit and pout
and i clung so hard as you dragged him away
and i left too many fingernail marks so he yanked free
and fell into your waiting, cunning arms

hey guess what
he’s not my best friend anymore
because you changed him
you made him into a follower
and erased his compassion
like a black hole you ****** him up
you made him nothing
and no one could really see it but me
and i clung so hard as you drew him in
and i got so far but i was still tethered to the ship
and he drifted into space as i watched helplessly

hey guess what
he’s not my best friend anymore
because he isn’t strong enough
to see that you’re just using him
to see anyone other than you
to see that i’m hurting
to see that i love him more than you could
and i tried to make him see
and i realized that he never would
and i decided to let him go
which is something that you can’t seem to do

i held two hands and
one let go but one remained
and i clung to it

i think i still held
on even when you let go
i think i still am

The sky was blue that day,
speckled with white
And the sun was a pleasant orb,
Toasting the skin of the people to a light brown
Showering the tops of every wave
With diamond rays
The fishermen cast their nets
Methodically, cheerfully
And she peeked out from her hiding place,
curiosity getting the best of her
His hands smelled like crab
And he smiled, worn like the sea
And she smiled back,
hesitantly
Because, of course, it wasn’t custom,
this smiling
But she couldn’t help it
Because his eyes were kind
And he,
he couldn’t believe them
(his kind eyes)
For she was the stuff of fables
And she shed her scales for him,
the fisherman with the smiling worn eyes
And instead wore rosy pink legs
that toasted to a light brown
under the pleasant orb of sun

I want you to love me in a sweater,
grey,
cable knit,  
a little too big.  
I'll wrap my arms around you,  
like fluffy wings,  
keep you safe for a change.  
(There is something about you that makes me want to.)

We will tangle up in warmth,  
and I'll curl my fingers in your hair and press kisses in each curl.
The contentedness between us will be tangible,
filling the air around us.

I want you to love me in the soft way that I love you,
Warm linen sheet-like,  
A nestling-into-you kind of thing.
We fit together,
you and I.  
Just right.

I want to feel your sleepy breath on my neck,
your lovely eyes fixed on mine.  
Your fingers can trail along my shoulders,
your chest can heave contented sighs.  
The crook of your arm could be my pillow,
the space between us nonexistent.

The ocean picks me
Up and spits me out again,
A ceaseless cycle.

And when it puts me
Down, for a brief moment I see
That the sea is you.

Black sky of powdered stars
Stretches up above the earth
Sometimes in a world so big and cold
I wonder how much I could be worth
Because looking at the stars
with their distant glow
I know I could never shine the way they do
I'll leave that up to you

There are those people
That you just want near you -
Their energy is palpable
There's no need for touch.

There are those people
That you always have near you,
A constant variable in your equation,
Their touch so comfortable it's almost like it's not there.

And then there are those
Whose touch you crave.
It's absent most of the time
But when you have it you're filled with indescribable longing.

I know I am one
Who offers a hand, an arm, a shoulder, or mouth
To anyone needing such comfort.
I'll be there.

If I was with you,
I'd sing you sweet nothings.
If I was with you,
I'd hold your hand too often.
If I was with you,
I'd press kisses to the corner of your jaw.
If I was with you,
I'd look at you like you were the world.
Because to me,
you are.

Hearing one's own name
Makes one feel so loved
And known and
from the right (or wrong) lips
(or hands)
It can send a thrill through your
Tummy
and make you wish it was a record
that you purposefully broke.

She is fake, fake
And I don’t think he can see it
She clings because that’s all she can do

And I don’t think he can feel it

She is too perfect
But then, so is he
And yet, they are both so flawed
All humans have flaws, of course
But hers are not physical
They are emotional, and I fear
That they are fake, fake

And that he won’t be able to see it

Is he fake, too
After everything
After the nights of tears 
Is he not worth the love that I hold

he said “i love you more than you know” and i believed him for a moment
inhaling his scent and clutching him as i was
but were those words that meant more to me than he knew 
said because i needed them or said because they were true?
and i, doubtful person as i am, began to doubt

my heart is a bottle that I stuff all my emotions into.
I  scribble down my secrets, roll them up, and stuff them inside.
I lost the bottle out at sea.

you stupid boy, you stupid lovely boy, 
i love you, but you either don’t see it or you ignore it
if you don’t see it, you’re dumb but i still love you 
if you ignore it, well, there goes my heart.
but its okay because if you’re happy I’m happy.
because i love you, 
you stupid lovely boy.

1.
Sometimes I forget just how much I love your face.
It is so open, but I still can’t tell what you’re thinking. 
Sometimes I forget just how much I love your voice.
It’s so clear, and I wish that I could hear it all day long. 
Sometimes I forget just how much I love your hands.
They’re soft, but not too soft, and I wish I could hold them.

2.
Sometimes he looks at me like I’m the world and I freeze and I don’t know what to do
Because there’s someone else he looks at like that and she’s more than I am 
But he is more to me that he his to her
He is a world to me and only an island to her
But regardless
Sometimes he looks at me like I’m the world and I melt inside

the rain began and she fell in love with it
it came in waves like the ocean
sounding loud on the tin roof above her head
it calmed her shaking nerves
the thought of its cool fingerprints on her skin 
diminished the pain in her head
the burning sensation was swiftly put out

Mother called me a devil child
Daddy called me a curse
They sent me away on a long black train
To an unfamiliar town full of strangers
They sent me away, and they sold me
To a man with a greasy smile
Who held my arm, too tight
And someone took my carpet bag
And I knew I’d never see it again, somehow
The sky was yellow, I remember
And my stomach churned grey
As he led me across the cobblestoned town
To a campsite, gaudy, ugly, old
The mustard-and-ketchup striped tents
Looming ahead like strange, distorted
Technicolor prison bars
The people milling about the site
Were sad and haunting, looming as if
They weren’t really there at all
Their faces cracked like dry paint
The air was itchy, like my cotton dress,
(But mother always said,
“Never scratch”
Because she didn’t like the sound it made
Nails against scales, not pleasing to the ear)
He drew back the tattered curtain-door
Of the smallest tent and said,
“Welcome home, dearie,”
And I could feel the bile in my stomach rise
As I looked into their faces
And they all said
- Or at least they all seemed to say -
“You’re with your own kind now, freak”
I gulped as the curtain closed behind me.

i’m waiting for my heart to break
because i know it will soon

soon i will lose it to an unsuspecting someone
who will unknowingly carry it in his jacket pocket
and i won't be able to do anything but watch from afar as it's poked and prodded and cracked and tossed in a washing machine

and what should i do?
what if it was you?
what if i told you,
"my heart... you have it."
what if i asked you to
"be careful, please..."
would you comply?

would you give me yours in return and let me hold your hand?
or would you try to give mine back, wrapped in mumbled apologies?
or would you toss it away, and leave it to slide into a street sewer with the muddy rain?

what if i didn't tell you?
what if i said,
"be careful, please..."
whispered it from afar, and let my heart get bumped and bruised by your oblivious hand, the one i want to hold?

i’m waiting for my heart to break
because i know it will soon,
but how?

but i love you
i love you

love

why does that word invoke
so much emotion
so much pain and joy and

love?

to love is, by definition,
to feel an attachment to.

So if I said that I loved you,
If you said you loved me back,
does that mean we're attached?

Legend has it that a red string is tied
around the ankle of one
and that it travels
underfoot and over fences
to another, where it is tied as well
but i guess the string can break

i hope that mine is a vibrant scarlet
and that it is strong and flexible
and that red string will lead me to the person
that i can say
i love you to and hear
i love you too stated honestly
because to love

to love

would be a great adventure.

She stares at the sky, transfixed, in love

Basking in the cold, blue-white light

She adores the boy in the moon above



His pearly skin, like a kid glove

Shines down upon her, snow white

She stares at the sky, transfixed, in love


She wishes she could fly up, like a dove

To meet with the boy that she sees in the night

She adores the boy in the moon above


When he fades to a sliver each passing month

She is devastated that he’s out of her sight

She stares at the sky, transfixed, in love


Day after day, around the earth he is shoved

And she asks him why he never puts up a fight

She adores the boy in the moon above


He is the only one she ever dreams of

She wishes to join him with all of her might

She stares at the sky, transfixed, in love

She adores the boy in the moon above