I DON'T WANT TO KEEP LOOKING!

But their dignity and their beauty are like hands
that hold my head locked in place, fingers that pry my eyes open

There's the guy, five years older than me, who lives across the world, and paints satire on the rubble that war has made of his home, passing on hope to all who see his colors

The girl, five years younger than me, there too, who risks her life, just to share with the world what war has made her home become

The streams of people coming from a camp of hopelessness and the hate waiting for them at their next stop
The kids with their tragic smiles and weary parents, who suffer through poison just to survive their cancer a few more nights
The parade of people who should be leading us through the dark, and instead do nothing

MAKE IT STOP! I cry
I can close my eyes, but their stories will burn in the back of my brain

I have to remind myself not to neglect my own life
because I know there's no reason I deserve my life
any more than they deserve theirs
I got lucky and I don't do nearly enough to repay that debt
absorbed in my petty spats and triumphs

The least I can do
is respect these other people
enough to read their stories

Even when those stories send me reeling away,
tears stinging my eyes
Even when they leave me choked and struggling for air,
I CAN'T LOOK AWAY

None of this is fair, none of it is right
There is pride in pain and beauty in sorrow
and even though I might want to
that's not just something you turn your back on

**I hope that if we all look at each other's stories, maybe, we'll stop jumping at shadows and start seeing the people who cast them.

"Will you stop smiling already?"
I can't. I'm laughing at life and how momentarily intense it is.

I think that answer might scare some people

you know it's getting bad when
you're starting to act like a teleprompter for your friends

trying to coax them to the conclusion
but too afraid, too empty, too smothered, too something to just come out and say
"i'm probably not okay"

and see, i can't even type it here without first qualifying it as only probably

there's a map to my chaos
my words are your guide
you can find hints of my despair
on the Radiator or
in the taste of Codeine
despair as bitter cold and dark as it gets

i've desperately got my hands to my throat
i'm giving you the choking sign
i'm so far gone down the rabbit hole that you can only hear the echoes of my sighs

but this is my last flare
so i will hover over the light of its hope until you either see me or it dies

shriveled cells.
(if you need peace of mind,
i can give you a piece of mine)

oh wonder.
(hold still. i'll kiss you in
the rain and you'll be beautiful)

nightmare before christmas.
(you are a lot like someone
i left behind- who are you?)

jelly beans.
(sweet, sour, and lifeless.
don't you ever...)

daisy chains.
(you're going to be something new
i just don't know what else to say to you.)

i just had the urge to stroke your face, wouldn't that be weird?
don't worry about looking good- you already got that covered.
awh, you're so cute!
i love you.
i appreciate you.
thanks for being a such a friend.

i stood out in the middle of the road in the california smog
paved concrete over a desert, we wonder why it doesnt rain
i dont think ill leave here.

i want to go to a natural cemetery, no graves
the earth will be soft and all that will be left is nature, overgrown
they helped build it and i will too.