I hate myself
and my blandness.
I hate my hair
and my sadness.
I hate my nose
and my bruteness.
I hate my feet
and my bitterness.
I hate my legs
and my desperateness.
I hate my wrists
and my selfconsciousness.

Perfection
Beauty
Happy
Brilliance
Selfless
Excitement

Nothing.

I'm so done.

I cannot be perfect,
I was never smart.
I don't even scratch the term
intelligent.
Never mind me being
talented
or of any worth.
It's not self-pity,
It's self awareness.

I see no benefit
to share my innermost thoughts
with anyone.
*Especially someone
intending to fix me.

"Dare to be different"
I say, following the ideologies
of Everyone around me.

My life
is made up of
interesting lives.
People that seem
to always be in
motion, doing
and experiencing life
and all that it offers.
I merely sit and observe
from behind the railings,
Yearning to join in,
But having not the courage
That would be needed to
Step away from my life
Into the one I wish I had.

I know I'm not enough.
I promise, I know. So please,
I'm begging you,
stop reminding me.
I promise, I never forget.
But sometimes I get tired of
being sad, being upset.
I start to hold myself higher,
I let myself get past that roadblock.
But then you drop it suddenly atop me,
and I'm left further down the track than
I ever was before.
I know I'm not enough.
How many times will you remind me?

enlightened persons
drift like the wayward souls
knowing what others cannot fathom
living in a realm unlike all else
finding no one
and needing nothing
for what they've come to know now
supplements them
in ways that our forlorn talks
of ideals and perfections can not

I am a *******.

My hands are not my own,
my words are spoken for me.
I do not have a choice
in where my legs drag me.

If not a *******, then what?

Smother me with your lies;
I'll unveil the blinding truth
In the midst of all you dared deceive.

Shackle me with your idealism;
I'll expose the true confinement
That lies beneath sweet words.

Stab me with your fake love;
I will pierce the illusions of society
With your own barbed heart- for though
Your title comes under caretaker,
I've lived my life knowing you
Would be my undertaker.

Not trying to be obtuse,
but tell me now-
Is this all a game?
Is this all just a past-time?
Am I so fun to mess with
that you can't control it?
Better yet,
Am I supposed to be okay with this?

I may be nothing in your opinion,
I may also be nothing in mine,
But sometimes I question
your obvious disrespect for me,
and my quiet acceptance of it.

You pause in front of me,
take my hand in your own,
look into my eyes and
whisper exactly what I'd
not realized I was living for.

You pull me close
in front of everyone
without shame
without blame
and kiss me softly.

Then I awaken
from the dreams
that I knew better than
to think of
or believe in.

But it still hurts
and though I know
that I'm not fated to
be with you, or experience
what life is with you-
I can't not want you.

Ebbing through the haze
Overshadowing the little ones
Clawing at the backs of the elders
Whispering thoughts into the ears
of the impressionable naive ones
Silently beckoning all those
with the need for release
Eagerly awaiting a chance
To make a difference
To have a voice
To bring upon a change
.
.
Teenage Rebels

I'm craving your attention
I'm practically begging
But you're blowing me off
With a few comments peppered throughout
And an empty concluding statement
As if you kept a stash handy
For times like these
To end
What seemed to have been the most
One-sided and lonely
Conversation

Everyone cares about their
image;
Self portrayal to those
unknown.

I'll never be rid of the taint of ****. No matter how well I pretend, my nights are not my own. They forever belong to the shadows, to rough hands and blank eyes.

What karma did a child accumulate to be punished for such a lifetime?

Stop
Please please please
I can't handle
You.
You're everywhere
You're smothering me
Please leave

Gone.
You left.
Why did you leave
the flames?
Dancing flames
Stop
You're mocking me
Stop
I'm burning
Stop
I'm losing everything
Stop
The flame are everywhere
Stop
Don't leave me
Please

Please
Please please please
Come back
I was wrong
Please please please
Don't go
Wait
I didn't mean it

****
****
you.
YOU.
****
me.

You say if I'm actively suicidal you'll have to commit me, so can I please verify whether this is a passive or active feeling?
You don't seem to understand that I am passively active at all times, that suicide is not something you have to die to commit.
You don't grasp that I am both fine and alive while being broken and empty, all at the same time.
You don't see that I can comprehend that something is wrong with my mind for the way it whispers to me of deaths inviting embrace, that I know this isn't normal, but oh, oh do I wish it was.
You ask me to rate my feelings on a scale of 1-5, quantifying my mind's nuances before I have a chance to explain that I don't even know myself half the time.
Do your best, you say.

My best ran out when I stepped over the threshold, next time I'll know not to waste it on a visit to you.

Want:Lust::Need:Love

It doesn't seem like much
At least not at first
Just light little lines
Appearing so quickly
Seeming so innocent

But then the blood rushes up
And fills in the careful lines
Steadily in the beginning
But then you realize
That its not going to stop

Now they resemble smudges
A bit like a child's finger painting
Messy and uncontrolled
Varying shades of life's juice
Creating an unknown picture

Cool water pours down
Everything drips
Pink stains appear
But at last the blood runs out
Taking with it more than you know

I fall beneath the wings
I hang above the chasm
I let my resolve crumble

Breathless whispers bring forth
enticing thoughts of snow globe worlds
As useful as paper weights

I fear the collision of worlds
I wait for the ringing to stop
I allow the peace of destruction to befall

Covering the world
in satin trimmed words
Pretending the tides would shift for the better

Never will it be said
That she was a genius.
Never will it be said
That she was talented.
Never will it be said
That she spoke kindly.
Never will it be said
That she was beautiful.
Never will it be said
That she carried value.

What will be said
Is that she was normal.
That she was average.
That she was capable
of ******* everything up.
That she didn't try enough,
didn't achieve enough,
didn't listen to what
would have saved her soul.
What will be said
Is that she wasn't terrible,
just mean.
Is that she wasn't stupid,
just dumb.
Is that she wasn't a gem,
just a pebble.

Scuffed soul,
scuffed body.
Imperfections layered
to cover the disappointments
of never being
anything
of worth.

It's an echo of a scream,
lost in the midst of thousands.
All of whom just need one chance
to live a life dictated by their own hands.

Plaster poured upon bowed heads,
forever to be frozen as beggars.
Not one whisper to be said
from those immortalized together.

Losing myself
In clouds of desperation
Oblivious to the hands
Reaching towards my trembling fingers
Just asking for me to try a little
Asking me to reach and reciprocate
To allow myself to be pulled to the other side
But I've made my home here
In the pits of despair
And the effort to accept the help
Seems infinite
Compared to the ease of huddling
Into the nooks of numbness

There's a secret within me
Writhing to be free
Sometimes it slips out
In wisps of whispers
and I clamber to pull it back
To retrieve the slivers before
Someone realizes what the
Whispers entail

There's a secret within me
Its too much to hold
But its too much to let out
So I let it gnaw at my insides
Pierce my heart
And drain me of what
Might've been a soul.

There was a secret within me
I really shouldn't have kept it
There was a secret within me
But now it's gone

So am I.

I learn so much about you
Everyday another boulder falls
Crushing countless other beliefs
Beliefs in your honesty being no.1

Forget what the words do to me
Don't you wish it wasn't said
That you'd lost your charm?
Or better yet, don't you care
About all the people you've lost!

I wish I could say
That knowing how painful
You're realization might be
Would make me stay by your side
And make me want to be your support
But it overwhelms me

I don't care about your pain
How selfish
Oh well

Release me from this hell hole
Of feelings not yet felt
Of words not yet said
Of people not yet met
Of relationships too soon set

Release me from this hell hole
I beg of you, please
I cannot sit here and listen
To the petty problems of
Society. Especially when they
Fall out of my mouth.
How could I be affected
By crap that has no meaning?
Why do I pretend that any of this
Will matter in the end?
Why am I so ignorant of
The life I should be living?
How could I take part in being
A normal teen, when that right
Was taken at birth?

There are issues and problems
And then there is my life.
The embodiment of disappointment,
My life serves the perfect example
Of what happens when cultures are
Mixed by the hands of inexperienced
Adults, that think they know best.

It's funny how easy it is to do what's forbidden.
I care not for following guidelines and rules anymore.
So what if I'm ruining my life?

I shan't hold you accountable, don't worry your head about it. I've gotten a taste for self-exploration and for the freedom to do it.
No amount of your sickly sweet lectures will wash it away.

Tell me I'm wrong, see if I care.
I'll respond same as tonight-
With an open window and an empty bed.

It's that feeling inside
Bubbly and Filling
Expanding through you
Making you burst at the seams

It's that feeling inside
Happy and joyful
Coursing within you
Making everything seem just right

It's that feeling inside
Bright and cheerful
Shining through everything you do
Making the world shine with you

It's that feeling inside
that appears only sometimes
But makes you realize
how much more there is to life

It is said that joy is within everyone,
that it takes only a profound understanding
of perhaps the most demanding entity-
yourself-
to reach that feeling, that unnervingly satisfying emotion.

I dove deep
into the void I call a heart,
the dusty corners of my soul,
and I found..
nothing.

However this is not surprising
for I left emotion,
and my innate humanness,
back at the intersection we passed last.
Remember it?
The corner of
Love and Betrayal.

Convince me of my beauty
I'll retort with my blemished being
And accept not the superfluous comments

There's great reason
Behind my distaste for empty compliments
You may believe you have given me a gift
But it's really just a reminder
That I am not what people say
That I will not be what I wish
That I need others to remind me of my worth
When in reality
There is no real worth that I need to be reminded of.

They say joy lies within yourself.
That you need only to delve deep and
Voila!
You've found joy, or happiness, or, well,
Something.
I mean, you're bound to find something-
if you go deep enough of course-
but who's to say it will be joy?

I dove deep
into the void I call a heart,
the dusty corners of my soul,
and I found..
nothing.

However this is not surprising
for I left emotion,
and my innate humanness,
back at the intersection we passed last.
What was it again? The corner of
Love and Betrayal?

Self pity is quite..
Irksome.
I know I'm being a downer,
But it's too hard not to be.
So I just end up being
that person.

You know the type;
The avoided, annoyingly sad
Person;
The person that knows exactly
How to **** the enjoyment
Out of others' lives.

It's as if unconsciously
I want everyone to feel as I do,
But trust me, I don't do it on
Purpose. I don't want to be
The downer any longer.

I want to be the life of the party.
The crazy and happy and witty person.
The one people like and enjoy.
Not the one that repels all these traits.

I promise, I've been trying
To be fun and sassy,
Open and playful,
Quirky yet Majestic-
But right now it all feels like an act.
Make believe, unreal, fake.

So I guess I'm stuck;
And in lieu of this, I cordially
Invite all those present to
My Pity Party.

I listened without listening,
letting his words wash over me.
Yes, he was saying something
important, I'm sure-
But his animated actions and
quirky faces held my attention
in the way no words could.

happiness
lingers in the crevices
of my brain
longing for a
chance to breathe
and to grow
but the thoughts
that overcame the
happiness
in the first place
are too dark
and resemble
the ever so cliche
black hole
******* up all the
light
leaving few traces-
just enough
to keep
the memory of true happiness
present
and the pure darkness
alive

I sit
Listening to the
accusations.
Letting it all wash over me

"Why couldn't you be perfect?"
"Why can't you turn back time?"
"Why did you have to ruin everything?"
"Why didn't you think everything was fine?"

I seethe
Listening to the
advice.
Letting it all sink in

"Don't do it again."
"Just listen to me."
"Repent for your sins."
"Obedience is key."

Nothing is clear
Was I wrong?
Was I right?
I've got my life to fear

Everyone thinks they're right
Everyone thinks I'm wrong
Everyone's got an opinion
But nobody's got an answer

I sit
and
I seethe

If only I could
drop everything
and walk away

I'd never look back.
Not once.

But I can't
Because
I'm weak
and so
I sit
and
I seethe

Repent?
Obey?
Give in to the wise
& win the ultimate prize.

The problem is
I don't think
I want the prize

I never did.