I sit
Listening to the
accusations.
Letting it all wash over me

"Why couldn't you be perfect?"
"Why can't you turn back time?"
"Why did you have to ruin everything?"
"Why didn't you think everything was fine?"

I seethe
Listening to the
advice.
Letting it all sink in

"Don't do it again."
"Just listen to me."
"Repent for your sins."
"Obedience is key."

Nothing is clear
Was I wrong?
Was I right?
I've got my life to fear

Everyone thinks they're right
Everyone thinks I'm wrong
Everyone's got an opinion
But nobody's got an answer

I sit
and
I seethe

If only I could
drop everything
and walk away

I'd never look back.
Not once.

But I can't
Because
I'm weak
and so
I sit
and
I seethe

Repent?
Obey?
Give in to the wise
& win the ultimate prize.

The problem is
I don't think
I want the prize

I never did.

Sinking ships
Severed rain
Drops of gold
Floating dreams
Crying oceans
Soaring clouds
Hurt filled caskets
Ends of vows

Swift attacks on ones weak points will bring them to their knees in an instant.
Delayed blows to ones high points will slowly cause one to shrink smaller than ever thought possible.

You may be able to get up off your knees, but darling growing and rebuilding is near impossible when you don't know where to begin.

I've become the secrets
that were whispered at twilight.
They floated toward me silently,
but burned intensely-
becoming branded on
my skin.

It's not that I want to hide them,
but I also don't want to display them-
At least not to you, not anymore.
For the more you know, the more I risk
losing you, or perhaps myself.

You are, unknowingly,  the detonator
of these explosive secrets.
They shine brightly, blindingly,
every time you come near.
I refuse to save myself
Destruction is inevitable.

The deeper you
understand the secrets, the closer your
essence creeps to the unseen button.
But you see, there's a catch. If I dare
stop you from treading near my end,
I risk bringing upon yours.

I refuse to save myself-
don't you understand?

The bursting of my secrets will yield
the most spectacular show of light.
For I will become the piercing white of the stars-
and you will be able to thrive within
the light of my destruction.

I can't keep my light
away from the one who loves it.
Instead I'll give you everything-
As is the price of secrets.

It's okay to fall
Even when most tell you to stand tall
You don't need to answer their call
What's the point?-You'll only start a brawl
So trust me, don't enter the mess hall
Until you're ready to deal with it all

There's really no point
in changing oneself
Especially when everyone
thinks they know you.
There's really no point
in righting ones wrongs
Especially when everyone
decides you're tainted.
There's really no point
in apologizing
Especially when everyone
claims you're lying.

Explain to me this
Why does the world say that love is the best feeling?
When all I feel is cold
Empty words from empty people
****** words tumbling from my mouth
Masking the ****** up feelings inside
The tough face I put on melting for moments
Before I realize that those moments of weakness
Ruin my chances to live
Because being numb is better than being vulnerable

Explain to me this
Why does everyone say it's okay to take a chance?
That it'll be worth it to say what I feel?
When all that leaves is ****** souls
and broken hearts. Jagged words pierce
skin, leave blood on my fingers.
Whose blood is it?
Because what hurts even more than rejection
is being rejected by someone you had a chance with.
Not even rejected actually-
But completely sidelined by.

Explain to me this
Why can't I have a life of friendships?
Why do I have to live through others,
Without seeing anything for myself?
Learning and yearning
Wishing for something different
Hoping for someone to save me.

I've realized that
You never really looked at me-
Just through me.

You completely disregarded
My stories and tales
My spectacular (and not-so spectacular) adventures
My music preferences
My favorite things
My love for the sport cricket
My hate of roller coasters
My fear of dying pointless to the world
All the things that make me me

You never made the effort
You never really cared
You never did much of anything, actually

Kissed by the lights
Fluttering in the space between foreign and dangerous
Burned by their constant nearness
Yet fearing more the cold
Wanting to drink in their warmth
To keep them forever near
Wishing their floating nature could be adopted by me
Hoping no one sees the marks they leave
Hoping no one sees the happiness they give
....Though the lights are nomadic
and one day will wander too far
I give myself false hope that they will stay near
However I understand that even the lights' time will come

Stop.
Shhhhhhh.

Listen.
To the roaring in your head.

Notice the chill.
The chill that comes with realizing how long it has been
since you stopped.

Do you remember?
When you were alone in the midst of society?
When you took a moment to listen to yourself?
When you gave in to the roaring behind your ears?

Sometimes all you need to do is
stop.

I'm Sorry.

It seems only fitting to apologize,
especially when addressing someone
as pure as you.
You make all my
imperfections feel insignificant,
You make me feel so much better
than I really am.

My ugly nature is so strong though,
that the moment I step away from
your beautiful light, the darkness
comes crashing down upon my aura.

Your perfection holds true always-
never will you blame or bring another to
shame, as deserving as they may be of it.
As deserving as I especially may be.

Your sweet essence cleanses mine,
I feel unworthy of your care, and
overwhelmed by your optimism.
How much I wish I could stay pure as you.
You personify the metaphorical angel
of dreams- belief is unnecessary for
heavenly light to shine from you.

I don't know if I'll ever repay your love
but know this- I truly apologize for what
burdens I've placed upon you- I'm learning
to carry my weight, I don't want your
perfection to break.

You ask nothing of me, but I ask it of myself.
How did I come to deserve you?

I panic at the thought of being alone
I found solace in a classroom
and even that was taken away
I get dizzy when I encounter my blood
though everyone says the bond is unconditional
I sit in the midst of those that say they love me
I weep and not one of them sees
I cry out and not one of them understands the pain in my shell of a heart
I try to be good but sometimes I can't control it
It all comes out- actions, words, thoughts, feelings
in a mess of emotion and release
A release that causes nothing but pain
I wish I could control my fate
I need control of something
The slight reprimands of actions not yet taken
Just instigate what shouldn't be started
I can't keep up to the future
I want to tear my heart in pieces
Hand one to everything that has a greater control
Over my blood than I do
And tell them all to do as they please
Mold a new heart from the old
Recycle the broken me into a machine
Because it's feelings and freedom of thought
That started this mess
My insecurities and weaknesses lead me to the brink
But a machine is monotone and cold and hard and
Frankly much more suited to the others
Than my blood-pumping heart is.
I want to stop living under the perception of control
Give everything up once and for all
Allow the gears to slip from my unwanted brain
Into the hands of the finest technician
Or perhaps the cheapest, as that would be what I deserve
Become reprogrammed to follow the whims of
Everything that controls my blood.

Please stop
I give in, time after time
Promises to myself
Promises to my faith
Broken- shattered so easily. Too easily.
Fragmented pieces flying
Embedding themselves within my soul
Like the pain a newborn feels from a splinter
Like the ache an arthritic man feels as he ages
Like the sting a toddler feels from a bee
Seemingly insignificant
Yet so terrifyingly huge
You keep coming back
I need you to stop

Lust demands action
Selfishness becomes addiction
Empty words of admiration
Grand gestures displaying affection
Eyes full of adoration
Until the moment of affirmation
At which point everything becomes a result of corruption
Also known as the unforgettable transformation
The falling apart of all infatuation

Love demands nothing
Instead one finds them self automatically eradicating
All things that aren't exonerating
The one that they've found ravishing
And the mind begins fragmenting
Without forewarning
As happens to be the sign of one interlacing
Their thoughts with the one they've unconsciously been worshiping.

I feel a bit lost,
I feel like I'm drowning.
I feel as if the world
is looking at me, frowning.
Everyone must think
that I'm a fool for letting myself
reach the brink
for someone that only looks to me
when he can't see himself.  

I care too much
I care too fast
I make mistakes
with consequences that last
I don't take chances,
I take risks
and that's all the difference
that matters in the end.

I wish you luck,
I wish you joy.
Please don't look back
and notice the quiver
of unspoken thoughts
hanging in the air
as I say nothing
and think everything.

I cleared you of your sins,
took them as my own.
I'd say yes when I
should've said no.
I begged for attention,
cried when it burned me.
I pried where I shouldn't have,
lost myself when the secrets swallowed me.

Nobody gives a ****
Never did, never will
Would you?
I don't believe you.

Everyone cares about their
image.
That portrayal of self to those
unknown.
Dare anything threaten this
fragile, precariously put together item
and the world stops to help rid itself
of the threat.

Hopelessness
is a threat to perfection
Sadness, despair-
threats to perfection
Anxiety or depression?
Also threats to perfection
Everything that's not
pristine and proper
or bright and joyful
or conforming and obedient
is a
threat

And believe me, you treat it as such.

There are choices
Choices to be good
to be someone who cares
Who does everything possible
to please the plethora of people
asking for your soul.
Choices to be bad
to be someone who is selfish
Who does everything possible
to please the heart that
resides within.

Your hidden thoughts are not so hidden.
Reeking from every look you throw my way
Seeping through every word you boldly say
Creeping from your aura and penetrating mine

**How Could I Not Feel Worthless?

time on my hands, time to ****
the demons know where to go
a trigger to pull, thoughts to blow

I don't consent,
I won't consent.
I know I said it was okay,
that I wanted to see where this would go.
I know I said that I was chill,
that I was ready, that there was no need to go slow.
But now I'm saying
Stop.
I'm saying I don't want it, want you, want this-
even if that makes me some sort of priss.
I'm saying step off,
and don't come back.
I'm not asking for a break,
you can't make up for what you lack.
I know I said I'd be down,
that I would be willing to try-
but boy, that's before I found my crown,
before I realized that it wasn't normal, how much you make me cry.
I won't tolerate any more teardrops, not in my sky.
So leave. Now.
Please.
Goodbye.

Let's dance to the ends of the wold.
Let's dance to the golden gates of heaven.
However,
Be warned-
For that is where I leave you

I lose my focus
Get lost in thoughts of you
Wonder how you're doing
Wish I could talk to you
Hate that it's become so much of a problem
Think of where I'd be
If I hadn't done what I did

I wish your brightness
Hadn't brought me to you
Like a moth to a flame

It was instantaneous
You filled my soul
And I drowned in the newness of it all

Other people talked to me
Other people showed me what love could be
But I never forgot you
I fell in something with the others
But I fell in love with you

The others don't know
No one knows.
You're my secret
But I don't- no. I can't
keep you anymore.

Goodbye.

Release clouds my judgement
Or perhaps clears it
For I've lived under your hold for so long
That everything feels different
Hazily familiar
Eerily distant

How do tears burn like acid,
Why does your mouth emit poison,
When did your fingers start burning my wrist,
What had you intention been?

Sometimes I feel like the moon wouldn't shine so bright without your eyes being my lens to the world.
Other times I feel like the ground would stop swallowing me up in its earthy embrace if my mouth wasn't mistaken for yours as it taunts all that it can.

Shaky hands, shaky fates
Steady beat, steady life

You make me sorry
for every breath I take
for the space I encompass
for my very existence
yet
I still love you.

Endless and intangible,
yet the only reality that makes sense.

I thought I knew what lonely was until a movement I couldn't take part in came along.
I was used to being on my own, but when surrounded by the voices of people speaking out against the atrocities they've faced at the hands of others I was filled with a need to join them-
Until I realized I couldn't.
For the resulting commotion that would fill my life if I did would not equate the relief I may or may not feel by telling all.
The demons in my life wouldn't be prosecuted by my voice, despite the promises some naive like to make.
To stay silent is to stay protected, even if it is at the cost of one's own sanity.
For I reside in the middle. In the place where things aren't so bad that I need saving nor the place where things are so safe that I can speak without fear. My voice wouldn't cause a worldwide commotion, nor would it cause arms of those dear to me to envelop me in embraces of comfort and support.
It would cause mass pandemonium in my world while changing nothing in the world.
So lonely has been redefined to mean utter panic in the midst of temptation.