Maybe I'm a little to hurt inside
So I glide the blade along my thigh
Because there's no where left to hide
If I make myself as broken on the outside
Then maybe I won't have any tears left to cry
Maybe I can die
So the world can tell my lie
Of a life with no bright side
All that's left is my bleeding thigh

The truth is, she didn't need a savior; she needed a love to wrap around her caressing her with the sweet sense that someone out there craved her attention.

He told me he doesn't recognize me anymore
but when i tell him I'm the same person i was a year ago
My tongue starts to burn
I know I'm lying
That girl i see in the mirror
She can't be me.

So pale, you can see straight through her
Circles under her eyes like they've been carved with a knife
Skin so fragile, the touch of a feather would shatter her
Bones so defined
She seems so hollow

She can't be me
She can't be me
She can't be me

But everytime i feel her staring back at me
I see her in my shadow

You are a lingering pain in my heart
That aches with each step I take
Trying to escape you is pointless
Your everywhere but then your nowhere
Sometimes I believe you've finally left my head,
But I always forget I gave you a key, though you never bother to lock the door anyways,
You sneak in with quiet footsteps, I barely register that you're even there
Then memories swarm my thoughts like a cloud of moths.
You are a throb on the right side of my head.
Every waking moment I still hear your heavy breaths
Which turn my days into headaches.
You remind me of the time I broke my cheekbone, a bone that cannot be fixed, a bone that will always be broken.
You pour out of my mouth everyday saying things I don't mean, to people I care about.
Somehow you ruined me.
And I can't seem to ruin you.

I was born from the trees
My roots grow for miles
I am a child of the sun
And i live be the moon
My friends are flowers
And i blossom with colors
I will grow throughout my life
And i will die amung the trees
They will cut me down like i was dead,
They will harm my flower friends
They will destroy my roots
And take away my sun, my moon
But i will still be here,
My leaves flowing through the wind
I will plant my seeds and grow again.

I FEEL SO ALONE

    MY LUNGS WONT LET ME SCREAM

              SO MAYBE I CAN SCREAM THROUGH TYPED WORDS ON A BLANK PAGE

        I FELL SO ALONE

WITH YOUR ARMS WRAPPED AROUND MY WAIST
  
        I CANT TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU, BUT MY BODY WONT LET ME CARESS YOU

I FEEL SO ALONE

EVEN THOUGH YOUR WARMTH TRIES TO PRY ITS WAY THROUGH MY SKIN SNEAKING ITS WAY TO MY BLOOD STREAM

IM STILL IN PAIN, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD WASH IT ALL AWAY WITH THE SWIPE OF YOUR HAND AS YOU DO WITH MY SHEDDING TEARS

I FEEL SO ALONE

       ALL THE VOCIES IN MY HEAD

AND I CANT BREATHE IM SUFFOCATING

ALL THE LIES. ALL THE EYES. ALL THESE CRIES.

CHOKE US TILL WERE NUMB.

Everything here looks dead, and dark
Theres no love filling the air, its just worn out faces
Everyone's pale like life itself has been taken from their bodies,
The trees look like bones,
No flowers grow here,
Only fields of gravestones
It reminds me of a rainy day, a sky with no color
Here, there is suffering sadness printed upon beautiful things
Who knew hell could be so black and white.

Lust is such a powerful drug
In seconds you can become so addicted
You don't even begin to realize you are an addict
Just craving lust

I am greedy in my self-loathing
And euphoric in my bliss

I am a half empty half full
Glass of bad habits

I stand until my knees give out
Because it all hurts until it doesn’t

And then, it hurts some more

I knew it the moment I saw him,
With a soft spoken voice
He looked at me and said hello,
He watched me from afar,
And I kept upon his graze
I couldn't wait to feel his touch
Against my bare skin
The moment his hand
Intertwined with mine
There was this sudden spark
I saw it in his eyes
Replacing the brown
With a golden glow
Of pure shock,
How our heart connected
In one split second
And the world stopped spinning
And our hearts collided
Breaking and thrashing down each others walls
Crawling our way into the deepest part
Of our souls
Sliding his hands down my thigh
He looks at me with pure desire
Biting his lip
I ask him to bite mine instead
And he tugs at my skin
Taking off the clothes I once wore
Making love under the comfort of these blankets
Wrapped and interlocked together in one
Seeing the way the other moves
Watching each other slowly
Becoming fearless of the others body
Wanting to touch and grab at every part
I knew it the moment he touched me
He would completely ruin me
Shower me in love
But also in lust
Forever young
And forever lost
Watching him
Is watching the sun
Wrap around the earth
As we wrap around each other
As he lays there
Staring at the stars
He looks at me
Smirks and then closes his eyes
Takes my hand
And he breaths so deep
I can hear his lungs fill with air
He takes one last look
And Kisses my lips
I knew the moment I kissed him

Its been eight months and three days since i last saw your face.

I've been dreaming about this day since then.

I felt something in the pit of my stomach, bubbling to the surface, similar to butterflies. Im not quite sure. It felt more like my organs decided to burst at that very moment. And my lungs caved in, as if somehow in that two seconds of blindly staring, I was brought out to sea.

And you walked right through the front door.

My expression was dull, and blank. But inside it was a hurricane, rain storming from my eyes, blood tsunamis flooding my insides, my thoughts twisted and turned until they formed tornados, my finger tips charged with electricity, my heart was thunder pounding harder with each beat until it was ready to explode.

But my face was slack, completely untouched.

You lifted your head, the way you sometimes do, as if to say hello.

I was completely numb.

Its been eight months and three days since i last saw your face.

Seeing you today
Made my body shake
My hands go numb
And my heart tear out of my chest

My lungs were grasping for air
To say hello back and smile
And sweet smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes
Instead a crooked laugh erupted from my chest
That turned into a loud sob
And as I ran for the door
Trying to escape this place
With all these staring faces

I saw yours, one last time.
Starring wide eyed
And a shy smile.

I know thats my face
Those are my hands
They move when I move
Her eyes blink when I feel mine shut
I know that is my body, bird like and thin
That is my nose that hooks at the end
Those are my clothes I remember putting on before bed
My eyes are darkening and the walls are starting to cave in
Breathing is harder, worse than smoking a cigarette
My body is numb
I cant tell if this is reality
I hear my voice saying
Come back
Im escaping, leaving, running away from all the fears I am forced to face
I feel my knees grow weak
And my body sinks
To the floor and my cheeks grow wet
With makeup covered tears
I don't remember wanting to cry
Reality is no more
A dream is all I can see
With dandelions
And trees
With bare feet
And a cool breeze
The floor becomes softer and all I do is sink
Like a dead weight in the sea
An anchor tied around my ankles
Letting ocean water drown my sorrows
But this cant be true
Im standing in the bathroom
With wet cheeks
Trembling hands
And clothes I put on before bed

Sometimes its the simplicity of my fathers ways that make me want to walk in his unchanging path for the rest of my days.
His engineer mind complicates my decisions
But my mothers healing hands touch everyone but me
However its my mothers rage and fire
That i sorely desire
Seeing my father think is like watching the inside of a clock,
Its gears switching and constantly turning.
My mothers fists of fury tell me i should be angry,
People lied and diseved.
My fathers ways are beautiful, however once i try to live then i realize that that is not me,
I should be myself.
All i want is to be free
He is stuck in a hallway that only goes straight.
My mother is in a feild of grass runninng away from everyone and everything.
I cant be stuck in my fathers wrath
I need my mothers outrageous anger to keep my going.
Simplicity is beauty.
But i need freedom.

I can see the clouds start to fade
And the roaring wind is dying down
The demons in my head have crawled back into thier holes
The darkness that cover my room now shines with a dull light
My lungs dont feel like thier drowning anymore
The cigarettes still burn, but its not the burning ache i felt before. Its just a relief
The weight on my chest that was a boulder now only seems to be a pebble
I can hear the birds singing now instead of crying
The world is changing

I've lived so many lives
In the books that I've read
I am apart of their journey
And i take them with me
Every thought in my head
And words in my mouth
Are because I have died,
And i have lived
More life's than i could ever imagined
A book isn't just a story
Its everything
The creation of life itself
You fall in love with
Every page
Every chapter
Every sentence
And you carry them with you

I have starred into the eyes of the unknown and there is no coming back.

I have met the voice of the devil and his sweet songs replay in my head.

I have seen the lies hidden in the bottomless pits of hell and the souls have swallowed me.

I have heard the cries of a thousand eyes and there will be no more tears left in me.

I have danced in the rain with the man in black and he has kept my soul.

I have walked with the woman who haunts me and she said that death will soon come.

I have slept with evil and darkness has consumed me.

I believe we have a choice in this world on how to live
We can ethier shut down and wait for life to slap us in the face and tell us to get up and start living
Or we can go, adventure to new places and tell new stories with new people.
We constantly sit in this little box we call home, but its not living.
Were just a breathing corpse.
We need something to tell us to be free, we feel like were trapped, with no where to go.
But let me tell you theres a life out there with things you cant even imagine.
Yeah, its a scary world sometimes.
But there are endless possibilities that at any moment can happen.
You just have to stand up, wipe the dust off your jeans and walk, even run out that door.
Its a brighter day and its waiting for you.
I promise as soon as we start getting up and leaving those prision walls we will find a joy in this life.
Because why waste your time sitting when the clock is ticking
And your running out of time.
Life is as simple as an hour glass,
Each grain of sand is a day you wasted.
And the sand doesnt stop falling.

I love you very much and I appreciate you to your full potential and abilities. I will love you now, and tomorrow and I hope you let me love you forever. I am a lucky girl to be in love with you. I hope you know that. Whatever is happening with you right now, I hope to a god I don't believe in that it gets better for you, because I can't fix you. I wish I could but I can't. I just don't want you to leave this world without me, and it hurts me knowing that it doesn't affect you that way. But I get it, depression tears us apart and shows the world our scars and all our flaws. It shows them who we really are. Depression is a prison we are locked in and the key is in the hand of our enemies. But hope, hope will set you free, someday, maybe not today or tomorrow, next month or year. But one day, you will be able to look at the sky and smile, not because your forced to, but because you genuinely feel like smiling. That day will come, and you won't even realize it came. I'm in love with you for all the right reasons, and the wrong ones too. I'm in love with the thought of death too, it haunts my dreams as much as it haunts yours. But my being in love with you, anchors my feet to this earth, and I know I could never leave if i couldn't take you with me.

Eyes like a rainstorm
I know I should run for cover
But I'm caught in the headlights

I can't even pass by your house without feeling this emptiness in my chest.

If he loves me
He rarely shows it
I think he wants
To leave me
Why should he
Even stay
Every one
Leaves anyway

I never realized how important "no" was,
Until i couldnt force the word of out of my mouth.
I felt his hands creep down my body,
Touch me in places that have never been touched.
The word wouldnt leave my throat,
It felt like it was stuck,
Maybe his forcing mouth kept it there,
Maybe it was my fault,
Maybe i was to weak,
People tell me there was nothing i could do,
But i dont agree.
I felt the screams inside my lungs
Unable to come to the surface,
Like the cigarettes i smoked caged my terrified screams
I felt my tears fall across my face down to my sheets,
I know he saw me crying,
He decided not to care.
He decided to push harder.
As i laid there, my body cold as stone,
Memories flashed across my closed eyes,
The thoughts of everything horrible in my life,
Comparing to that moment.
Now I'll do anything to get his face out of my mind,
Out of my eyes,
Out of my lies.
Ill drink a little to much, and the face starts to blur,
Ill smoke to many cigarettes letting the nicotine run through my veins knowing its killing me through time.
I'll drink a little more to feel alive,
Because I've started to think i died that day.
I've gone away,
To a far of land,
Where im alone,
In a crowded room,
Seeing his face flash across the wall
Feeling the tears fall.

I fell in love with him
Like the night sky falls in love with the moon
So quick and so dark

I clutched my hands as hard as i could,
To keep the distance apart from us as small as possible.
My breaths were shaky, full of nervousness with sighs of relief.
I held on to him like i was falling
Hoping he would catch me on the way down.
His lips were strong, full of life
Making me feel alive again
I couldn't get enough of him
He made me feel something,
Something that i am unaware of
But now that i have experienced that feeling,
I crave it.

I guess its the moon that makes me think of you, all the emotion in that tiny circle in the sky, it fills me with happiness because i picture you and a smile creeps upon my face and maybe its because im crazy or a little insane but i swear baby i cant get enough of you, your eyes light up like fireflies in the dead of night and your smile grows bigger everytime we kiss and your laugh is beyond beautiful with its cute little giggle. Your heart is the size of the sun filled with laughter and love. I just cant get enough of you and all you make me feel. Even when its the intimate moments we laugh and play around though sometimes you stare into my eyes and all i can do is stare back and admire you, you the person i love is looking at me with wide eyes and a smirk. But i know you love me too, and thats why you remind me of the moon.

What is it that you fear so much that you have to burry it away into the darkness of the unconscious?

Im tired of writing how beautiful it all was, yea there were flowers growing in the pits of our stomachs. But those flowers are dead, liquor isn't water. Yea we had stars in our eyes, but the galaxies are gone, replaced by a black hole. We had wind in our hair and sun on our skin, but the sun has been gone for awhile now, and my skin is pale. The wind died and its just stale air. We had locks over our hearts but we both had a key, I threw my key into the ocean, watching in wash away in the waves just as our love did. It was beautiful, but beauty doesnt last forever, soon your hair will turn grey, your skin will wrinkle and the beauty fades away.

I am nothing but a beating heart in a still body

These walls around me have ears,
And all the doors have eyes.
The trees have voices,
And the devil tells lies.
Blinking back tears
Fighting the urge to cry
Be careful for the snow
And beware the man
You think you know.

I cant tell you how my head speaks horrible words to me,
I cant tell you that i fall apart every night
I cant tell you that i sleep in my own tears
I cant tell you that I'm afraid of something thats not even there
I cant tell you that i need your touch to to feel okay
I cant tell you that i need your love so i can be happy again
I cant tell you that i have sadness taking over my body
I cant tell you that i feel like there is a battle inside of me that no one can win
I cant tell you that i feel like i am a storm with lightning striking and thunder crashing
I cant tell you who i really am because you might walk away. And i couldn't bear the pain.

In the middle of the night
I find a way to cry
In the middle of a sentence
I find a way to escape
In the middle of a moment
I find a way to break it
In the middle of silence
I find a way to disrupt it
In the middle of the day
I find a way to be okay

Its not always what we planned or thought it would be, but its what we got and sometimes when the darkeness fades, it's golden and it's greater than we expected.

You held me as i cried
Telling me dont worry baby,
Its gonna be alright

As the tears strolled down my face
And my legs continued to shake
You laid your palm on my heart

Feeling its rapid beating
You kissed my lips
A soft taste of magic

With eyes full of hurt
You looked at me and said
Baby, I'm not going anywhere

And then I knew, you weren't the
Demon in my head
You were the soft lullaby my
Mother sang to me as a kid

You were the butterflies
In the wind
You are the flowers that never die

You are the sun that continues to shine

So i met this person not too long ago.
I thought he'd be different than most,
But i was fooled yet once again.
However, things were different
It wasn't love
It was lust
I knew i couldn't love him because of the way he was,
But then i started fallin.
And I'm afraid of heights
But the last person i had, he caught me.
And he held me till i could breathe again.
But then, once i was breathing, he released, he let go.
And once he saw that i was okay, he decided to break me. THen i couldn't breathe and i was drowning in my own air.
But this person, he didn't catch me like i thought, he picked me up when i hit the floor,
I thought he'd hold me high above his head so i could breathe the air i needed,
So i could be okay again.
But instead, he threw me down harder,
He pushed me down till there was nothing left of me.
he tore me to pieces
And now he wants to say he's sorry,
But i don't hold grudges anymore,
I promised myself that a long time ago,
So i forgave him but i will never forget.
It will always be in the back of my head,
The things he took from me, that i will
never get back.

I am not a person
I am a shadow
Following in the footsteps
Of someone who
I don't even recognize

I used to think you were my safety net, that if I fell you'd be there to catch me.

Now, I've realized you were just a brick wall that when I fell I crashed into it like a wrecking ball and you weren't there to build me again

Stop telling me there is a god, and that he wrote this novel called the bible that shows you good morals. Stop telling me his son Jesus died for us, so we can live through him. Stop. If there was a man so mighty and powerful, why would innocent people die, why would people ******, betray, and lie? Why would we all decieve eachother and hurt our beloved? Why would human nature as a whole destroy everything in its wake?
Jesus Christ doesn't have the answers, God can't speak to you through the clouds and the light that shines. There are scientific explanations for why things happen, but there is no possible theroy telling us to ******, to love, to lie. It's in our blood, but God didn't make us this way. The devil didn't curse us.
Everyone fails to remember that the devil was gods favorite angel. We are all cold till the bone, no warmth in our souls. So stop telling me there is a man out there with love in his eyes and brown locks of shiny hair, wearing a white satin robe and leather sandals with Caucasian skin.
The universe is what we were made to believe in, the stars in the sky will align and tell you the truth, the planets and the moon.
The flowers will grow and wildlife will sing.
Stop believing in something you can't touch, nor feel.
Start believing in the nature surrounding you, it's everywhere. Your just failing to see it.

Like the cigarettes I smoke I enhale these regrets.

As the air left my lungs, I new this was the end. As I laid there starring into the sky above my ceiling I knew that I was happy with the choices I've made and that life would go on for those who weren't me. I knew this day was coming, the water was drowning my lungs and as I was drowning I saw a light that was so white I thought I was going blind, but then I saw his face and I knew we were meeting again for the first last time.

Once comintment was on the table
He tried to push back his chair
And walk out the door
Before dinner was even served.

Maybe my head is rushing into things but I can't stop thinking about him. The way his eyes slowly lifted to mine when he knew I was admiring him. The way his lips curled into a smile and he has just one dimple on the side of his cheek. The way his hand felt tangled in mine was a feeling that could cure cancer. The way his arms felt wrapped around my body like a blanket felt around you by a fire. The way I felt his heart beat so fast was a moment I can't even fathom to put into words. Maybe my head is rushing into things, but I just can't help it. I wanted to stay, not because he was beautiful in every way, but because his eyes were this soothing color of brown that made you heart melt into the palm of his hand. Because I couldn't stand the thought of going home to lay in bed alone. Because I wanted to feel his presence for so long that it would die with me and follow me to my grave. Maybe my head is rushing into things but I can't stop thinking about him.

We had those moonlight talks
Star sky kisses
And we were in love

We had those moments in life where we could sit in silence for hours and be completely comfortable
We had the moments in life where we would just stare into eachothers eyes
We had the moments that would take your breath away.

And soon he stole away mine, and i was breathless with no way to speak.

Its heart breaking when the ones who loves us leave us,
Its horrifying when we sit in our own puddles of tears that we created from sleepless nights
It tears our souls apart piece by piece and once we feel whole again
It falls apart just like the very first time he said, "I dont love you anymore."

Sometimes staring into the nothingness is what gives us answers to questions that our mind hasn't even comprehended, its gives us an answer to the inevitable question. What happens when all this is over?

I feel like a sad story, and no one wants to read me.