breathe in breathe out
pulling over to the side of the road
trying to breathe
trying to see through this fountain
of tears on my face
usually i can pull myself together
enough to drive,
but not today.
breathe in breathe out
finally i get distracted focusing out at the window at the leaves dripping from the tree making crunchy colorful puddles.
i peel my hand off the steering wheel
because i was gripping it so hard
breathe in breathe out
resting my head against the cool glass, honestly i don’t know why i’m here or what i’m doing
my hands are shaking
have you ever felt this way..
it sounds almost as if i am describing a close call to a wreck, or bad news on a phone call.
but no
this is the result of living.
i have to distract myself when it gets this bad.
people wonder why i love nature so much.
but it’s because it’s the only real thing in this world of fake ideals.

I’m sitting in this class watching a teacher talk but I’m not hearing any words
I’m trying to process, trying to try to see the point
What are we doing here because we certainly aren’t learning ****
I’m looking at my empty computer screen
I put my name and class number at the top, align right, double space
I put my name at the top because I’m in college
Because in college you write papers
College makes you smarter
The world sees college as success
And I care about looking successful
Because that’s all that matters
This life is all about pretending
Pretending to learn all these subjects to earn a piece of paper that says you can jump through hoops
It’s about pretending to care about living
Pretending that the marks on your arms are from the cat that you don’t own
College is *******
And yet I’m still going to spend time and money getting this degree
Because this is success
And that’s what life’s about
Appearing successful

‪okay today someone asked me why I’m not trying harder
and it got me thinking haha‬
‪okay so picture this:‬

‪we all have our mountains in life, things that are hard.. right?
okay so, I’m trying to climb my rocky steep mountain of struggles.
‪so let’s say that I'm about ¼ of the way up when I trip on a rock and fall a little bit
but haha it's fine! just a scraped knee.
I get back up and keep going‬.
it was just a little inconvenience haha some bad luck.

so I keep climbing and this time ‪I make it a little bit higher than I did before
but then I fall again, further‬.. and I am pretty scraped up.
I'm alright though, so I will try again.

okay so, let’s say that this repeats itself a few times

but each time I fall lower and harder..
and I'm getting more discouraged and more hurt every time.

by now I feel like giving up, because hiking this mountain feels impossible,
but somehow (even though I have bruises/scrapes and a sprained ankle) I still have a little hope that I’m going to/can make it to the top.

SO with my last sliver of motivation, I climb determined to make it!
I don’t stop climbing and I am so careful, I’m proud of myself.
I have never made it this far up on the mountain,
and I feel so good about life!
I’m about ¾ the way up,
so I stop to admire the view.. and wow life is beautiful.

but right at that moment,
someone comes up behind me and shoves me down the mountain,
this time I fall harder/further than I had even started the first time and this time I wasn’t expecting it at all, it caught me completely off guard. I had been so careful.

so I sit at the bottom of this mountain and look up, ha **** it’s really tall.
I know the view is beautiful from the top.. ‪haha but I don’t want to try again.‬

now I have a sprained ankle, I'm dehydrated and I'm tired.
so even though I know I CAN climb it again,
I also know that ‪the fall will be harder and I will end up more hurt.
for example: If I fall again I might break my leg
then I know I won’t make it up for sure..
so yeah,
I just don't want to climb this **** mountain anymore.
I'm exhausted.‬ I'm really done. and It seems incredibly pointless.

‪SO HERE I am and now imma just chill down here for awhile and eat my granola bars that I packed in my backpack.‬ haha

The first time I rode in an airplane I was twelve, and I couldn’t stop looking out the window at how beautiful everything was from the sky.
I still feel that same way, no matter how many airplanes I go on I will still be that excited.
No matter how many times I see Fireworks, sunsets, the ocean, the mountains, city lights.. none of those things never get old.
Whenever you hold me it feels like the time we cuddled up on the couch watching a movie and I finally felt like I belonged somewhere.
Whenever you tell me you love me I feel like it’s the first time, I feel so safe and close and it doesn’t get old.
I figured out that I feel everything so deep, and I don’t get bored of things I love.
When I fall in love with something I will never stop loving it.
It will make me happy every single time.
I find joy in the small things that a lot of people just pass by without a thought.
You tend to let those moments and things slip away and I always try to remind you how it felt
Remind you of those times we felt so close, but you won’t remember
I don’t know if you even can remember.
You want to move on to different memories
Because our memories aren’t enough anymore.
If you’re not happy with yourself then every girl is going to feel wrong. It’s not me and you. It’s you.

lately i have been dissipating,
trying to vanish.
not die,
but not live.
there are clouds of smoke where my brain used to reside,
now you could classify me as a shell of a human.
this is my own fault,
right?
i became vulnerable
i handed him my heart.
i expected him to do the same,
but he deceived me.
he let my heart shatter on the floor.
i set his beating soul down next to me as i was picking up the pieces of mine that he had carelessly dropped.
turns out he picked up his heart from beside me without me noticing.
when i stood up i handed him the shards of my soul because that’s what you do in a relationship,
right?
you trust that person with those delicate pieces of yourself.
he then continued to grind the fragments of my heart into a fine powder
put it in pill capsules,
and took them as he walked away to a better option.
now he takes a daily dose of me.
he has his heart and mine and a piece of whatever girl he decides to make, no fake, whatever girl he decides to fake love to that night.
what do i have left?
absolutely nothing.
he has left me completely hollow.
heartless sleepless alone
and all i can do is keep waking up and wandering this empty life.
i am so utterly numb
i honestly can not feel right now.
i wish he would have at least given me some of my heart back,
even just half of a prescription.
i have lost myself
to his sick soul,
and it makes me feel absolutely nothing.
but hey,
at least i am making him feel better.
right?
at least the prescription is working for him.
i would hate to see it go to waste,
like the rest of myself.

Did you know cherry pits contain cyanide?
Five cherry pits could **** you
But only if they are broken.
That’s what my heart is full of, cyanide.
The outside of cherries are red and beautiful.
Hearts love, it’s so appealing.
But the inside could **** you.
My heart is broken
Wait, not broken. It’s shattered.
So watch out because if you take me in
I could **** you.
I’m sorry.

I have tried and tried and tried.
And I seriously can’t anymore.
I’m not going to try to fix it.
I stepped it up every f*cking day.
I’m so exhausted
He’s not the same guy and it’s killing me.
I want to leave so bad
But I don’t
I just want him to care again
I just want to hear that he honestly wants me in his life
but he can’t do that
Because he doesn’t want me
I am always part of his problems
And I’m so done
It’s going to take him losing me to figure out that I’m not part of the problem.
I’m done
I’m tired
I want to go home
I used to think home was with him but I don’t know anymore.