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Maya Dec 2014
He used me. And after being broken by you, and being the most vulnerable I've ever been, I thought laying my heart on my sleeve would cause someone to sympathize with me. I was just trying to occupy my time, and I ****** around and thought maybe I could be happy.

Of course he used me. The only person who never used me was you, and you still left. Why did I ever think I was worth anyone staying.
  Dec 2014 Maya
Open books with black covers containing stories never good enough to be read, words never long enough to contain the fragment of a thought. Maybe that's why I turn to putting my own in the complexity of poems, maybe that's why I'm never satisfied because I can never say what I mean. Sometimes I don't think you know what I mean, so if you haven't been able to read the between the lines; I miss you. I've been looking for so many ways to say it but none of them have been enough to make you come back. The thing about poetry is its never enough to make you feel the way I do. It'll never make you realize that ink seeps out of my pens with the purpose to make you feel something; but it never does. The thing about poetry is that you need to be empty to write it and that's why I learnt how to after you left. The shut door opened a new one which was the will to write about all the broken pieces of myself. The thing about poetry is it requires to see life through the eyes of things unspoken. Little do most know that mirrors and picture frames can speak novels of things forgotten which is me to you. The thing about poetry, is that I'm running out of things to say. I'm running out of words to spray on city walls, or carve in the wood of dying trees. The thing about poetry is that this isn't it. This is the goodbye, good luck. I have nothing more to bleed out for you, my mind is turning to dust. This is the last "I love you" I have left to write about, this is extended hands with empty palms.
This is the apology. It's me trying to feel something more than what I do, and as hard as I try to get there, I can swear that in nights of deafening silence I can still hear the sky screaming out your name.
Idk how I feel about this one
  Dec 2014 Maya
I woke up and I'm still suffocating
Oh God please give me space
Maya Dec 2014
You could never see how hurtful your words really were, & you didn't understand when I felt pain.

2. We spent more nights trying to make you love yourself than we did actually loving each other.

3. I tried to trust you after developing trust issues because of someone else, & you defiled the little trust right under my nose. & ever since then I loved you selfishly because I knew in the end you didn't want to be mine.

4. I spent a long time thinking about trying to heal us instead of trying to heal myself & I never put myself first.

5. I got in a relationship with someone who had hurt their exes, assured by both them and myself that they wouldn't do it to me.

6. When I felt powerless & out of control (which I did often), I hurt myself instead of telling myself what I actually deserved.

7. I started looking for answers & for solutions towards things that were not broken.

8. I wanted control so bad because I was always fearful you would find someone whom could take you attention from me. I was right about that one though.

9. We centered our worlds around each other so much that it was lonely & rare just to be without each other.

10. You had told me that all you needed from me was for me to listen, & I had promised that that was what you would receive. But instead I started formulating solutions that you had never desired.

11. I valued myself on how much you loved me, which was a lot, but then when you stopped I wasn't worth the same anymore.

12. When I first thought I didn't want to be in this relationship, I stayed convinced things would get better. When I learned to accept you in order for us to be happy, you learned that you were happier not relying on me.

13. I sought the kind of relationship you had promised we would have before I ever knew if your words were true.

14. Being alone frightens me more than being in an unhappy relationship.

15. I had known for some time that our love was abusive with our words & feelings, but I had hoped you wouldn't see it.

16. I planted all my love & energy for a person who didn't have the same amount t plant for me.

17. All great empires must fall, & ours was the greatest of all.

18. Songs we hadn't even comprehended became 'our song' simply because they sounded good, much like how we both desired different things, but together it sounded good so it was okay.

20. You keep saying you're not worth it, but I think you're worth much more.

21. I had learned that someone else's happiness was more important than me, but you only clung to the ideal because it was right - you never lived by it.

22. The beauty you felt for my smile must have faded from your eyes with each day.

23. After we ended I tried to find comfort in someone else, but I know no one could ever love me like you could. I hope you find someone who loves you more than I could ever offer.

24. Manipulation existed in every doorway & windowsill of our love, making it difficult to flee in cause of a fire. You found a way though.

25. When I look down at these fresh cuts on my arm, one for every reason, I feel whole but empty at the same time. I'm still me, but not who I was.

26. I continue to put you first even though you'd made me last.

27. I invited you into my rib cage as a home because you had none, but you left it in shambles.

28. I numbed your pain & you enhanced my pleasure: I was like aspirin and you were ****; you reached for me when you needed me - I reached for you because I needed you. And when there was none of you to reach for left, I was left with an awful addiction I couldn't afford.

29. Feelings change but mine for you have not.

30. I have no more reasons but I want to put more down because inside I have all the reasons in the world, I'm just still trying to sort them out.
Maya Nov 2014
I wrote this for you because on this cold morning
I can't help but wish that I had woken up next to you.
You're perfectly fine sleeping alone.

I wrote this for you because last night
I was sitting on the train tracks,
thinking about it all.

I wrote this for you because I promised myself
that I was going to change for you,
but I guess I haven't changed enough.

I wrote this for you because when I look at my hands,
I can only imagine them enveloped in yours
and not standing proudly alone.

I wrote this for you because I just wanted
to be important enough in your life,
I just wanted to feel important.

I wrote this for you because I'm the only one,
the only person who has been there for you
in the last, I don't know how many, weeks.

I wrote this for me because,
now that you're gone,
I have to move on.

And I really don't want to.
Maya Oct 2013
It's been 73 weeks yet I still find myself
every now and again
   Searching through old pictures and feeling old things
that I should not be able to feel
   And I know we've both moved on a great deal in
this last year
   But I can't help but wonder how life would be
if we fell in love
   I refuse to wonder these things aloud, unless in silence
because I am not allowed to think or feel these things
   We were not meant to be, so why do I care
if our story was cut short?
   Do you still think of me?
  Of course not, we both moved on.
   Have a nice life.
   I know I will.
        - Pixie

Maya Jun 2013
160 days,
waiting 16 days until you come home,
maybe it's paranoia,
or i'm going insane;

but we met on 2/2,
started dating on 4/4,
2 x 2 = 4 x  4 = 16,
maybe i'm stuck on these number games;

i'm going crazy,
paranoia's eating me away,
it's like you're acid,
and you're eating away my brain.
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