one
is a number
just above zero
sometimes
used to refer
to me
my looks
my personality
but when i was one
i didnt care
about the little things
i guess
i am just truly a one

i wish i was an only child
but sometimes i dont
my sister
she shares
she loves
she laughs
but all i respond with is a hit
a yell
a scream
all i am is mean
and sometimes i wish
she was an only child

she loves me
she loves me not
i feel giddy
i feel love
is it real this time?
i wonder
will i be lied to?
will i be insulted?
punched?
kicked?
cut?
yelled at?
called out?
made fun of?
laughed at?
will you never feel the same way i do?
because when i cried
you didnt
and when i got knocked down
you didnt
and when i died
you didnt
and i wonder
if i should love you at all

the fire in your eyes
the fire in your heart
you strive
to do good
the fire in your eyes
the fire in your heart

the crazy men
they carry me away
up and over
around a bend
and then back again
the crazy men
they carry me away
and i finally feel free

many colors
many drawings
i made when i was three
but they would break
just like my heart
why would you do this
to me

i rip up the drawings
on my wall
screaming
at the world
but those crayons
the many colors
will always be there
for me

i cry
i scream
i starve
i cut
but those crayons
stand untouched
waiting
and waiting
and waiting
for me
to play with them again

depression
is the man lying next to me in bed
he might not be real
but he is there
his cold fingers
creeping up my spine
ready to attack
at any moment

depression
is not liking the things you used to like
like the movies
videogames
or friends
i dont know why
why wont it end
will i end the depression
or will the depression end me

depression
is the lost love
for someone
that you like
but never have the feeling to ask them
when she dated another boy
it only made me sink deeper

depression
is the friends and family
who let you go
in your deepest moments
when i needed them the most

depression
is the knife
on my desk
covered in blood
waiting to strike
me again

depression
is the void
pulling you closer
when you dont know it
like a black hole
trying to swallow me up

depression
is you
its me
its in all of us
but i cant stop it
should i try
or die
that is the question

depression
is a world where i cannot be myself
i feel
like my body
is not good enough
my clothes
my shoes
my hair
my weight
it will never be enough

depression
is windowless room
no light
i cant get out
i cant get out
let me out
let me out

let me be myself
without the void
without the man
without all the little things
let my live my life

leave
me
alone

here i sit
in my bed
the spiders creeping up my wall
i can hear them
they might bite me
but i do nothing at all

what a wonderful friendship!
i thought to myself
i was only more than a babe when i met him
he was kind
he was funny
he was fun to play with
and he was my first
'friend'
as we grew older
i turned five
we started to talk
i remember our first conversation
we talked about dinosaurs
and i thought
what a wonderful
'friend'
and then i made new
'friends'
but they didnt last long
it wasnt long before
they found someone new
and left me to play
in the morning dew
wow
those are some wonderful
'friends'
and then we turned ten
he was still with me
through it all
through my hardships
through my pain
through my sadness
wow
what a wonderful
'friend'
and here we are today
i can see him as i am writing this poem
his first girlfriend
i cannot express how happy i am
for him
and he
is a true
friend.

i wish
my poems were better
people would read them
and think
"what a good poet!"

i wish
that i was better
the best that i could be

i wish
i was cooler
my shoes
my clothes
my hair

i wish
that i was athletic
good at everything

but most of all
i wish
that she loved me
like i loved her

i wish
she didnt say no
and instead
said yes

i wish
i wasnt jealous of her
and the boys she liked

i wish
i wasnt sad
i wish
i wasnt sad

why am i sad
why am i sad
why am i sad

please love me