I need to be dead to forget about you.

you and the moon and the ocean and the rain
there's no difference
beautiful, breathtaking, terrifying
so close to perfection,
so close to destroying
you say what you love won't **** you
but i love you and it's already killing me
you destroy me in the sweetest way
gently, patiently
i didn't know i could drown without knowing
until i met you
and i'm glad to have you

I wrote poems on your skin and the ink is permanent, my dear, even though our story isn't. You've always been the person who stopped me from digging my own grave and taught me that death isn't a good friend and I'm so glad that I met you in the first place. You're not the shelter that protected me from the storm but it's okay, I enjoy the aftershock of your lightning anyway. So thank you... for everything.

I love you. I do. And I don't have to own you to know it.

my first love didn't think of me as his first love.
he spitted and walked over my grave,
winning the game.

my first friend in high school didn't think of me as her first friend.
she told me to be happy,
yet got impatient when it was hard for me to breathe.

the boy who saved me didn't think of me as the girl who saved him.
he gave me a coat to put on when it rained,
but now he's trying to take it back.

i don't think of myself as the person i thought i was.
i used to have pride and a sense of belonging for my body and soul,
but i don't mind being shot right in the head now.

i think life didn't turn out the way i wanted it to.

i remember one famous quote from bob marley, ".. truth is, everybody's going to hurt you. you just gotta find the one worth suffering for."
i was numb back then and i still am even until now but to be honest, i wasn't sure if i suffered for you. yes, i cried my eyes out when you hung out with that girl and when you forgot our date and especially when you left, but did you ever really let me suffer? you were there, you were always there. your shoulder was something that i could count on. you apologized when you made me cry. you never made me suffer (except for when you accidentally stepped on my broken souls on your way out, but it was only one time before you finally escaped).

but maybe, just maybe, it was you who suffered for me.

i've been writing
all the happy poems lately
yet i'm still haunted
by the thought of writing
all the sad poems
again.

and the air smells like rain
the cold wind creeps into my room
im all wrapped in brown blanket and white sheets
yet im still dead frozen inside

grey sky, blurred sounds
vivid images in my head
yet im still alone inside

help me
please

you are not allowed
to make me cry anymore
nor you are allowed
to step on the shattered pieces of soul
i've given to you, voluntarily

you are a nobody
you don't mean anything anymore
give me my heart back!
you asked me to give back yours
and i did, i gave it back
now i ask you for mine

so please stop
i need you to stop
i want you to stop
stop being so selfish
you're not the only one
who has feelings here
stop making me feel like crap
i'm not a pile of dust
on your window pane
stop

stop acting like you don't care
the whole **** world knows you do.

at least you're happy now

with
    or
       without
                me

Our story
had no end
You just stopped
writing it
and left me here
alone
and
completely lost

I'M SO SORRY THAT I'M SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON AND I'M NOT SAYING THIS JUST SO I CAN HEAR YOUR COMPLIMENTS BUT I REALLY REALLY MEAN IT. HONESTLY DARLING ALL I'VE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT IS HOW AMAZING YOU ARE AND HOW EVENTUALLY WE WILL END UP BEING STRANGERS AT THE SAME TIME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME BUT I NEVER KNEW THAT I COULD LOSE AND BUILD HOPE ALTOGETHER. I SWEAR I HAD CONVINCED MYSELF THAT NOT EVERYTHING I WROTE IS ABOUT YOU BUT THE TRUTH IS, YOU ARE HIDDEN BENEATH EVERY WORD OF MY POEMS. HELL, I ONLY WRITE POEMS AS AN EXCUSE TO TELL THE WORLD ABOUT YOU WITHOUT BEING ANNOYING. I'M HONESTLY IN LOVE WITH THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT ME THIS AFTERNOON BECAUSE YOUR EYES WERE SHINING SO BRIGHT I COULD GO BLIND JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM. I ALSO LOVE THE WAY YOU STROKE MY CHEEK EVERY TIME OUR EYES MEET BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU MANAGE TO DO IT WITHOUT THROWING UP OR GETTING SICK. OH ***** IT, I NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR MIND WORKS. I WONDER HOW YOU NEVER STOP CALLING ME BEAUTIFUL EVEN THOUGH I SHAKE MY HEAD ALL THE TIME AT THOSE WORDS. DARLING, TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT I NEVER SEEK FOR YOUR COMPLIMENTS. BEING WITH YOU IS ENOUGH FOR ME AND AT THIS POINT I DON'T THINK IT EVEN MATTERS IF YOU LOVE ME OR NOT BECAUSE ALL I KNOW IS THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU. RIGHT NOW I'M GIVING MYSELF A ******* FOR FALLING FOR YOU SO EASILY BUT WHO EVEN CARES? YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU DIDN'T MIND BEING A SHORE AS LONG AS I COULD BE THE WAVE AND CRASHED ONTO YOU. I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT ALL THE THINGS I WROTE ABOVE ARE NOTHING BUT A MESSY EXPLANATION OF MY FEELINGS. I GUESS I'M TRYING TOO HARD NOW, I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THAT I WRITE.

i promised you
to never hurt myself again
but you also promised me
to never leave my side

you did, anyway.

you say it's too soon
to even say the beautiful three words
but last night you pulled me closer
and i could taste the cigarettes
on your lips, and
feel the smoke on your tongue
i saw constellations in your eyes
i wonder if the stars were made
of our love
the scent of your body still
haunts me every night
you are my favorite dream
and nightmares

and i'm in love with you.

and i'm just
tired
God,
i'm so, so,
very tired

please let me sleep.