I look at myself in the mirror and I do not recognize what I see.
Those eyes,
They are not mine.
They are empty and cold.
I am not who I once was.
Maybe I am in a dream.
This person is not who I am supposed to be.

They say that suicide survivors are usually relieved when they don't succeed their attempt.
Some are even happy.
I am not one of those survivors.
I don't like having to explain why I have such deep scars on my wrist;
Or apologize when I slur and stumble over my words when I'm sober because all of the pills that I overdosed on effected my brain.
I don't like having to live with the realization that I'm even a failure at killing myself.
I have to live not seeing a future.
When people ask me where I see myself in ten years, I have to lie.
I make up some stupid, cliché response like "married with kids." or "super rich with my **** together."
When really I'm actually thinking to myself, "I don't see myself anywhere in ten years because I plan to be dead before then."
I may of made it 18, and to 21, and to 23 but I will be ****** if I make it 30.
There is no future for me.

Blood smells strongly of iron.
Who would of thought a surface cut would bleed so much.
I can't feel pain.
I can't feel anything.

But how do I be happy
when I'm so comfortable being sad?

I miss the nights where we could fall asleep in each other's arms.
You tracing circles with your finger tips on my skin.
I miss waking up in the middle of the night and rolling over to give you a tired kiss.
Most nights are so lonely without you here.
I don't feel whole without you by my side.
I miss staying up late in our home.
The home that we built together.
I know it wasn't perfect,
But it was perfect for me.
I miss laying in bed with you half naked.
Making each other laugh until we cried.
I miss coming home to your sweet smile and those hugs from behind.
You made me feel wanted.
You made me feel safe.
I don't feel safe anymore.
I've never felt more alone.

I miss staying up all night with you.
We wouldn't even notice the sun rising because we were too focused on loving each other.
I miss when I would get drunk and you would laugh at me because I would stumble over my words.
But I wouldn't care that I looked like an idiot because nothing warmed my heart more than seeing that smile of yours.
I miss arguing with you about where we should go to eat.
And I miss when you would get mad at me when I said "I don't know."
I miss how your eyes would sparkle whenever you tickled me.
I know I always said I hate when you do that, but I secretly enjoyed it.
You never realize the things you would miss when they're not there anymore.
I miss kissing you at red lights,
And resting my hand on your leg when you drive.
I miss how comfortable you made me feel.
You made me feel like I was capable of achieving anything.
And I knew I could do it because I had you by my side.
I would give up everything to have you here with me.
I sleep with my fan on now.
I only use one blanket.

Breathe in. Breathe out.
Pull hair back.
Put on lipstick.
Fix eyeliner.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Adjust skirt.
Cover scars.
Tie shoes.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Don't lose control.
Don't lose control.
Don't lose control.

I feel like I'm suffocating.
I can't get enough air.
Every inch of my body aches.
I say I'm coming down with a cold,
But I already know that's not what it is.
I know this feeling too well.
Depression.
I feel like a plastic bag has been put over my head and I can't get it off.
I feel like I'm stuck in a pit of quicksand.
Like I've been covered in honey.
Like a weight has been placed on my chest.
I sleep and I'm still tired.
The highs are too high and the lows are too low.

I was thinking today,
About how funny life is.
I was thinking about the struggles;
And how lonely this world gets.
I was thinking about the sun rising every day;
And I was wondering what has kept me here.
We get so lost in the chaos and the catastrophe
That we forget about what's beautiful.
The sun rising every day is beautiful.
The moon that sits in the sky at night is beautiful.
Being alive, it can be beautiful.
And most people are too bitter to remember that.
Fall in love with life.
Embrace what the universe has to offer.
Embrace what the universe can take away.
It's okay to not feel okay.
It's okay to be alive.

I am swimming in the sea.
The water is warm.
The sun is kissing my skin.
I am floating.

               I am drowning in the sea.
               The water is cold.
               The sky has clouds.
               I am sinking.

Some days I feel like I am under water.
Some days I am afloat.
Some days I am a mixture of both.

I always wondered
What it would be like to stare at the sky
And be at peace with the demons in my head.
I always wondered
What it felt like to wake up every day
With a peace of mind.
I always wondered
How other people feel when they wake up.
Do the dread the day ahead of them?
Do they feel anxious?
Do they slap on a fake smile, too?
I always wondered
Why am I the way I am
And why haven't I gotten better.
And maybe I'm not supposed to get better.
But maybe... Just maybe, I am.