I dreamt of a life where I could float
Forever, aimlessly in a vortex of nothing
All alone
Where thoughts run their course
And make me weak.

It's harder to laugh than it is to cry
So I break down and release
The easy way out
And all the shadows crawl out slowly
Whispering words that, too, make me weak.
Silence falls and the world goes blank.
I wake up
And do it all again.

Being alive doesn't seem right
I knew that for a while
but now, it's becoming clear
something was off
and I now realize
that I'm not supposed to be here.
The whole point of life is happiness
and I can't have that without him
or without hope
of self-worth
so there's no reason
that I should suffer through
restless nights and fights inside of my head
over whether I should stay or go
and it's killing me
not being able to tell him

Life is a concept that we too often take for granted
drowning in the thought that death would be fitting
but it's not so much that we want to die
rather that we don't want to live

angels don't deserve to die
or to feel this pain
and I truly think that you're an angel
but you let yourself think
that you were quite the opposite

angels can't die
you will forever be alive

**** you
you're a pawn
knocking down porcelain pieces
like you're a king
how dare you dance circles
around vulnerable hearts
let her go, let her breathe
i'm a selfish broken heart
but you're an ocean of heavy waves
i'm just merely drowning in you

i look up from the chess board
you sit opposite me, nervously
*check mate

i'm patiently waiting for the first breath
of lukewarm air to my swollen lungs
that heave to the sound of crickets chirping
and fire burning
i'm abandoning my frozen corpse
that lays here in purgatory
to let in a light
that pumps clean blood and fresh air
so that i'm no longer forced
to breathe for a life that i don't want to live

I'll never get over this bitter taste
in the back of my mouth
and the slight burning in my throat
how uncomfortable it feels
and how I hate it when it's there

but when it's gone
I want to feel the slightly off feeling
of having a dull razor stuck in my throat
and acid to wash it down

so I make my way to the toilet
to rid myself of this extra weight
and feel what I've been dying to feel

it's not about losing weight

numb
my heart beats ring in my ears
with each beat proving that something's wrong
and i can't feel my bones
or my key strokes

my words don't roll off my tongue
i don't sound human anymore
i'm feeling my feet lift off the ground
i'm screaming your name
but it's a muffled cry, 1,000 miles of soaked eyes
and dried up tears on my cheekbones

my heart beats are sporadic
beating with my flickering eyelids
my footsteps are heavy  
and i don't have you
to lighten my cloudy vision

ive come to terms with the fact
that a brilliant boy
can hide behind a nearly lifeless body
determined by white powdered bars
and a beautiful girl
can cloak her sadness
in an exhale of smoke and a few tabs

i do believe
it's hard to hide
when a black cloud
hangs over
his shiny blue eyes

and i do believe
she hears me
from underneath those cries
get out of there sweetheart,
it's like you're sun-bathing
inside a burning building

don't stop to smell the flowers
they're already dead

compare me to a starry-eyed poet
that wrote little wisdoms and gentle sorrows
who was too passionate for her own good
tormented by mental malignancy
the cancer that scribbled down her woes
in composition notebooks scattered on the floor
it was far too young a day
and a far too distant night
to keep her heart beating
she was the night sky raining down on stationary
with words like clouds on her mirror;
"a few more breaths, and it will reflect nothing at all."

you can't freeze a fire
but you can melt the ice

one day
ten years from now
we'll look up at the stars
and smile with each gust of wind
that sings softly in our ears.
then we'll know
that it's all
going to
be okay.

The monster crawled out from under your bed and embedded itself in your head.
Now you begin to see strange things, you shiver as the monster sings.
It's voice is eery, dark and sad,
it's plans are evil, sick and mad.
You try to run
you cannot hide,
you cry alone
teary eyed.
You're scared, you're helpless, you want to cry.
The monster torments until you die.
But tell me, honestly, what would you do?
What would you do if that monster was you?

My mind is no longer littered
with feelings of hatred or numbness
my entire world revolves around you
but this reality does not work
if you aren't in my solar system

I could lay down with you for hours
share our deepest secrets
admire each others imperfection
and call it practically perfect

I could listen to this song on repeat
for hours and hours
drowning in the words that I hear you say
pulsing them throughout my veins

I could listen to you ramble and giggle
for hours and hours and hours
because I've never heard a sound
quite the same as the one escaping your mouth

I know i'm not much
but I want you to stay
and listen for hours and hours and hours
as we pretend to be your favorite films
500 days of you and I
and in that moment I swear we were...

please don't run away,
for hours and hours
i want you to stay

Not crazy, just confused.
Not ill, just broken.

I know that I'm just another passerby
but I have a letter shoved away in my pocket
that is filled with sorrows, regrets, apologies
so I can leave in peace
with someone to know that I was alone
I want everyone to know that I've been abused
by the simple fact that you never said hello
when I needed it the most

every word pushing me closer to the edge
literally being pushed to the edge
of the earth, to my limits, to the grave
and all I can see are low faces
stuck in a useless routine
of living in a filthy world
where we grew up, and learned to be bitter
and ignore the girls who are being pushed to the edge
with a letter in their pocket that screams
"WHY DOESN'T ANYONE NOTICE ME?"
until it's gone to far
and it's all gone

You could blame it on how she got turned inside out
or you could blame it on who she was.
You could give her pill after pill and pray she's not ill,
but her mind will not subside.
She sees the doors dancing and hear the white noise
She hears suicide calls and it is not her own voice.
She either feels with no choice or feels nothing at all,
everyone knows, but they just watch her fall.
She hits the floor with a scream
still nobody hears.
She's been forced to go on
and swallow her fears.
But the voices drag on, and they all seem so loud--
reprimanding her for being avowed.
So feelings of hate and dread rush back in
the voices scream 'FAILURE', so she'll never win.
She's been told before that she was insane
but they took her away,
and nothing was the same.

I feel everything I feel
with such a strong intensity
that's why when I fall in love
I fall too fast and too hard
it's why when I fall out of love
i'm left recklessly abandoned
utterly ******
I feel with a different part of my mind
one that exaggerates every little detail
one that turns puddles to oceans
breeze to tornadoes
and me into someone who feels
just a tad too much

Holding it together
was easy when I was with you.
Falling apart
was easier when I was alone.
There was no one
to keep secrets from
except myself
and if I can't trust myself,
I have no one;
And falling apart
is easier when no one
is around to pick up the pieces
Not even yourself

My heart cracks
my mind melts
my bones shake
all for a love
that will never be seen

my love is all yours
so it could never be mine

but as I feel
emotions like bugs
rip apart my skin and crawl out
in angry patterns
make me weak

I realize that I need a love
that can be all mine

im growing into butterfly wings
that you've shaped with scissors
and dew drops that fall from your waterline
that looks like where the ocean meets the sky
you're a horizon of time zones that always pass by

it's like the sun is afraid of me
and the crickets are my friends
ive brought them here
so you can hear my favorite instrument
it's soft, and sweet
but dark and cold
i promise with them, you can never be alone

the oceans are too wide
for my shaky, achy bones
but i would swim until the days grew thin
to feel your warmth and light,
my sunshine

To love or to be loved is what is comes down to.
To skip another meal or to not feel real;
for them to whisper and have you know
or have them whisper and it be a secret.
To keep him or lose him
to love and amuse him or
to be stupid and not choose him.
Would it make a difference if my father didn't leave
or if my brother was good and my mother didn't grieve?
If the beats didn't hurt and the words were not true
If you saw everything straight and knew what to do.
If the mirrors didn't scream--If it were only a dream;
To love or to be loved is what it came down to.
Love yourself and be unloved and you'll never pull through.

each and everyday
you prove to me that you're evolving
into someone who's trying
their very hardest to make it through
when all you really have is you

you're proving that you are no longer
an addiction to needles
pumped with a high waiting to make you low
you're proving that you're more
than IV cords, hospital beds and wasting away

you're becoming what i always knew you were

I didn't try to leave, but why would I stay?
I can't stand living here for another day.
If I'm trying to be different, then I'm pretty much the same
Everyone's trying to play that game.
I've got things to run from and things I haven't done
My friends are all gone and I'm sick of everyone

I've been getting jealous of butterflies
They can go anywhere with curious eyes
But then I've been thinking
And that wasn't wise
If they can go anywhere
Why can't I?

And I start to wonder if wonder is blind
And I wonder what I'm even trying to find
If all I'm trying to do is free my mind,
Then I guess I'm just another undefined eye.

I'll leave here before everything dies
Before I become the demon I've been trying to disguise
Because if I stay with all this mess
Then nothing changes
I'm still
Hopeless,
At best.

He told me things that you tell me too
How am I supposed to believe you?

I'm small
in comparison
to the love you carry

but i'll never feel its full weight
just like I never felt his.

My problem
is that he, and you
and everyone
feel all of me
all at once
with full force

I give my love away
without asking for any in return

The first time I fell in love
was with a boy who made me feel like galaxies
when I was barely a star
but it burned out and wasted away
and I was left to slowly decay

The second time I fell in love
was with a boy who gave me comfort
when I was still a broken bone
he gave me safety and sweet lullabies
but failed to see the fire burning in my eyes

I wondered for ages what I did wrong
to make these two boys forget I was strong
and I wondered why I just didn't belong

Until I found this new boy
who I fell in love with, too
a boy who shows me everything
from a different point of view
that love can be more than just
comfort, ego, and lust

He makes me certain
that galaxies aren't the best it gets
when the universe is at my finger tips
He gives me hope that there's more
than just what meets the eye
there's more than just a starry sky

I know this boy is my whole world
because I see oceans in his tired eyes
and diamonds in his crooked smile
roses grow inside of his heart
that spread like a wildfire to my veins
I no longer feel like a mistaken mess
all because of you.

I can see the words you write
hop off the tip of your tounge in
tired melodies
springing from an empty boy
but god, does he fill the world
you fly between my temples and
tip toe down my spine
walking forever
you'll find,
won't take you anywhere but away
but maybe that's
just fine

It was fun, playing with diamonds.
Nice to look at, too.
But at the end of the day
my hands are cut up and burning
from salty tears and disappointment
at the end of the day
I needed a rock.

i don't have any more love left to give you
i'm drained of salvation
i'm losing myself
or i'm losing my mind
i'm running on empty
and i don't feel like running anymore
i know you need me to be the strong one
i'm trying so hard
but i'm shaking at the hinges
and i don't know how much longer
i can run away from
a loveless heart and a thoughtless mind

Weather like this
reminds me of a time
when it hurt to breathe

Weather like this
reminds me of giving up
when I couldn't live.

Sun shining
Wind blowing
Patches of grass showing
And my eyes watered over
from yesterdays heartache
of giving up
and a time when it hurt to breathe.

I'm cold, but getting warmer.

i'm following a script of what to do
what to say, how to think, how to not think
because you tell me to
but i'm burning pages and setting fire
to all that I had felt before

but see
my lips are a little chapped
and my eyes are bloodshot
my mouth is a little dry
and there's blood running down my nose
i'm flipping pages
i can barely breathe

like always
the ink is bleeding
literally bleeding red
and scribbles turn into cuts
i open my eyes
but all i can see
are crushed up pills
in the Rx bottle I used to be

words and whispers
are just the same
im numb again
like the number
on the scale
that rises and falls periodically
i will never be enough

I forgot my place
so I wandered
and found that
I was searching for
what didn't matter

The air is thick
black with smoke
poisoning my lungs
and it's all my fault.

I lit the match
and fueled the fire
for my own selfish thoughts
I am helpless now
moments after it's all burnt down

my lesson--
putting ice on a burn
hurts less than dying of the pain

Everyone's getting better
I'm getting bitter
and I'll be gone by the dead of winter
Dead in winter
Cold heart, cold blood
and I'm running out of time,
Running from my mind
Nothing makes sense
and they couldn't possibly understand
that the winter is home
to just another winter girl.

i don't feel like crying
and pitying my poor, poor soul
now i'm screaming ****** ******
begging you to come home
and make everything okay
little did you know
that everyone's world would fall apart
when you made the decision
to swing in the sunlight
and take away ours
with tears in my eyes
i'm praying to a god in the sky
pray for me, take care of you
thought I was crazy then?
well wait until they see me now

there's a certain comfort
in knowing that you'll fall again
back into that same body and mind
but now, having more wisdom

because now you know the tricks
you know how to maneuver through
the darkest recesses of  your mind
and everyone else's, for that matter.

you could scream
or talk
or whisper
but just remember

just because you whisper the words
does not make them any less painful to say
you're falling.

Haven't you heard of us?

We are the voices inside your head
We are the sadness in your chest
We are the feelings that you dread

We are the breath that you exhale on a cold winter morning
We are the hairs on the back of your neck
We are your lamentations; we are your mourning

We are the scratches on your walls
We are the evil in your mind
We are the darkness when night falls

We are the dizziness that you feel
We are the hunger pangs when you starve
We are what makes you feel unreal

We are your darkest nightmares
And your worst lies
We are your deepest secrets
And your most jagged cuts

We are everything you fear
We are what makes you curl up and cry
We are what makes you shiver

We are your screams
We are your tears
We are your friends
We are your enemies

Darling,

*We are you.

i'm a dizzy dreamer
with lightning bug eyes
floating around in dense air, bringing
foggy glasses and dewy lips
you tell me to pick my poison--
so my eyes fall onto where my heart is set
the corner of the room, a vile of red and pink
cyanide filled to the brim
laced with an exceptional dose of formaldehyde
I wonder if you tell her to pick
I wonder what she chooses
will it be the knife
does she take your gun
or will she drink your sins mixed into ***
you dug me a grave then pushed me in  
then wandered off with the shovel in hand
it doesn't matter how far I melt into the ground anymore

Sometimes I think that we are more than just
blood pumping, eating, sleeping, repeating

I like to think that we’re here for another purpose
other than to just run the motions and ignore the fact that we are just
brittle bones, empty hearts, tired souls, forgotten woes

Understanding is difficult
accepting it is worse
so we settle on contentment
and call it happiness

they come from a place within us that is plagued with hate
where favorite words are worst nightmares
and torturing becomes a daily routine

they bring you here to make you feel
like there is no one else who can save you now
because here, you have no god
and even if you did, he won't save you anymore

you'll dig inside to try and find what you did wrong
but all you'll find is confusion, regrets and ambiguity
you're walking in circles
digging yourself a grave
all the way to the core of the earth
where you swore to yourself that when you're rotting and burning

this will all end