NitaAnn

NitaAnn Dec 2014

Longing

You keep chipping away
At the walls I  have built around me
I long to let you in
I long to let you see the real me.
But instead I am busy repairing the cracks
And keeping the wall fortified.

I long to be touched
And not recoil instantly
I long to be able to  share  emotions
To let you see my tears
To hold me as I cry.

I long for these things
I do not want to be alone
here behind the walls.

Please keep chipping away
Do not give up on me
I long for the day
you break through to me.

#abuse #crying #emotions #touch #walls #survivor #longings

NitaAnn Dec 2014

Confusion

i am confused
reality
what is it
is what i am experiencing real
or am i believing lies
what if my perceptions are wrong
is there more to life than this

nobody else looks at things like i do
so am i wrong
do i have messed up wiring
who is right
what is truth

reality
is this it

i am so confused
not sure what or whom to believe anymore

Everybody is always telling me that my thought processes are messed up, nobody seems to view things as I do...who is right? is it them? or is it me?

#abuse #reality #thoughts #confusion #beliefs #survivor

NitaAnn Dec 2014

Sleepless

i cannot sleep
i lay here wide awake
haunted by memories

i close my eyes
and i smell him
he is close
i know he's here
i can feel his hands
touching me
his warm breath in my ear
whispering be quiet
saying i am Daddy's Special Girl
i shudder in fear
not knowing how to make it stop
i will be quiet
my tears flow silently

when morning breaks
i am exhausted
teacher asks why i am tired
cannot tell truth
must keep Daddy's secret

morning breaks now
i am still exhausted
still carrying Daddy's sins

#abuse #crying #sins #secrets #nightmares #survivor

NitaAnn Nov 2014

Miserable

I am miserable
Both physically and emotionally
My head is pounding
My jaw aches from clinching it
My chest hurts from crying
Red eyes blotchy skin
I am a mess

Tired of playing games
Wondering if you care
Do you really love me
Your words say one thing
But your actions are the opposite

I cannot keep doing this
I refuse to play
I fold
I quit
I am done

I have played your games for too long
You can keep your "love"
I do not want it anymore
I am better than this
I am worth more

I am walking away
No looking back
Please just let me go

#abuse #miserable #survivor

NitaAnn Nov 2014

Half Full/Half Empty

Just trying to make the best out of an awful time.

Each day is a struggle, evaluating each situation.

Weighing the pros and cons. Attempting to look at the full picture.

I fail at this most days. Always seeing the bad...hard to see the good.

I want the positives in life....just seems like there are more negatives.

#pain #abuse #struggle #survivor

NitaAnn Nov 2014

The Unhappy Holidays

Surrounded by family
This should be a happy time
A time full of laughter and fun

Instead I am off by myself
I watch them all joking and having a good time
I am alone and hurting
I do not fit in
I do not belong

I should have stayed home
Why did I think this would be good?

My heart hurts but I do not know how to fit in.

I should be giving thanks
Instead I am unhappy
Wishing I could disappear
They would not notice
They would not care.

I hate the holidays! I have 3 more days to endure before I can be back in my apt. I was stupid to think it could ever be better!

#sad #lonely #abuse #survivor

NitaAnn Nov 2014

Breaking Down

So hard to maintain
Fighting
Drowning
So hard to do right
So hard to be good
I try
I fail
Waves of defeat
Crushing me
I can not seem to get on top.

#cutting #abuse #drowning #defeat #si #survivor