NitaAnn

NitaAnn Nov 2014

“How shameful and absurd it is for the spirit to surrender when the body is able to fight on.”* ~ Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor

His words resonate through me tonight, like many nights before…I am borrowing the Emperor’s words tonight to express how I feel. I feel like my soul was murdered a long time ago. My body is here – as ****** up as it is – my heart still beats – but my body is empty, void of a soul.

I have no fight left in me now. My heart is still beating...but I'm no longer here.

#abuse #empty #shame #tired #hurting #survivor

NitaAnn Nov 2014

Defeated

I have never felt ANY physical pain
that even comes close to the overwhelming **** that is inside of me.
Nothing compares!
And every night I wonder what it would feel like to feel safe.
Safe!
What does that even mean?
I wonder what it would feel like to get up in the morning
and to FEEL alive
and not have to pretend to be alive.
I feel defeated and afraid.
And my body plays this cruel joke of breathing
living ~ when nothing else inside of me sees a reason too.
And if there is no little girl there is no pain.
That's what I need right now.
That’s what I want right now
She is way too much!
She is evil and poisonous.
And the only way to make it stop is for her to go away –
no matter what that takes
no matter what the consequences.
She will never know what it’s like to live without the feelings of fear.
She will never feel safe.

#fear #pain #abuse #defeated #survivor

NitaAnn Nov 2014

Good-bye Letter

I wish I could explain why I had to do this. I wish I could make you understand. The pain I have endured, has become too much...I can not seem to find a way to cope. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
I wish it didn't have to be this way. I love you and know that this will hurt now but with time you will be able to move on. Sorry.

I have been hoarding, hording pain pills. I have such a nice stash that is now time to use. Count them out in piles of 5...space them out...take 5 every 2 minutes...How many can I get down? How long will it take? Will I wake up? Will the pain stop? God I hope so.

#suicide #pain #abuse #sorry #hurting

NitaAnn Nov 2014

Physical Pain

The pain is more than I can take
I am at my max for pain pills
Still it hurts
Throbbing constantly
Sharp stabbing intermittently
I cannot take anymore
I try other means
but nothing offers relief
I am so tired
I am so sick
Why does death not claim me??
I know it's waiting around the corner.

Please come take me now!

#suicide #pain #death #abuse #hurting #survivor

NitaAnn Nov 2014

Tonight's Journey

Tonight's journey is brought to you courtesy of demons old and new.

Memories of abuse and torment that happened years ago but seen like yesterday.

I close my eyes and I feel your touch, I hear your voice, and I smell your cologne.

Please don't the little girl pleads. I hurt so...not tonight, Daddy.

My pleas, just encourage you to be more violent. Roughly taking what you claim as yours.

When you finished, I lie there ******, softly crying. My tears anger you as you tell me to stop or you will give me a reason to cry.

This occurs night after night. Then it happened in reality now I relive those nights in my dreams.

I long for the night I close my eyes and don't dream of you! I struggle to understand the reasons behind your sick twisted love. I hate myself for allowing you to defile me. I hate myself for allowing you to still control me. The only end to this never ending nightmare is DEATH! Sweet death come claim me!

#suicide #abuse #dreams #demons #nightmares #survivor

NitaAnn Nov 2014

Withdrawn and Disconnected

Withdrawn and disconnected...
From everyone and everything.
I think I need a break...
I just don't think there is help for any of this right now.
Deep inside of me there is this yearning- this deep sadness.
And I have once again withdrawn inside myself.
I feel confused...the person I went to for help can't help me either.
Nobody understands me.

Hopeless!

I'm overtaken by hurt, and pain.
And I am now sinking into the darkness-the bad place.
Inside my soul is this realm of darkness,
The endless horror, the familiar hopelessness.

Tonight I hate all of NitaAnn!

No hope for NitaAnn…
Just smile and pretend everything is okay.

What's the effing point - it's all a big facade...
They pretend to care and pretend to listen.
I pretend I'm not the most ****** up woman on the face of the earth!

We all know none of that is true!  The jig is up!
I fold...and walk away...
Find a new ****** up person you can 'pretend' to care about!
Because as we know...
"in the face of expected abandonment -don't you dare reach out - make another choice!"

I will, DT, don't worry...I will...nobody cares...whatever!

I am FINISHED!

OH, I'm making a different choice, DT, thanks for the advice!

#abuse #abandonment #finished #survivor #disconnected #withdrawn

NitaAnn Nov 2014

Liar Liar

Liar Liar
Whispering lies
Lies my heart longs to believe
I want to trust you
Your lies are so convincing.

Liar Liar
I trusted you
Now my heart is broken
I thought you were the one.

Liar Liar
You can whisper your lies
I refuse to trust you
I know the truth
You don't really care.

#lies #broken #abuse #liar #hurting #survivor