don't say you love me,
when you don't even know me,

on tuesday,
I will be attacked by fake I missed you's
and uncomfortable, unnecessary hugs,
because,
I can't miss strangers,
the same strangers that filled my living room this time last year,
the same strangers,
that give me things I dislike,
and have nothing to talk about with,
because they know nothing about me,
our conversation,
hangs in the constellations,
on the night you stopped by,
because no one looks hard enough to understand,
what they are,
you never,
care enough,
to understand who I am,

you repress your emotion,
like you clench nimble fingers,
into,
white hot,
pain,
I see it,
it drips,
from our name,

you claim you love me,
but I am not a fool,
I don't understand the love you claim,
for you use it like a tool,
thinking,
that seeing me,
once a year,
because of your,
own,
guilt,
of not knowing,
or caring,
about your little sister,
counts,
as a relationship.

I want to scramble eggs
to mix into fried rice and
fried ramen noodles
and mix up my brains
with the spatula
along with the rest
of the dish.

because my insanity
is quite the pain,
and my insanity
is due to be the end of me.

and if I scramble my brains
into the eggs
then my last thought would be
"I could have cooked this meal
way better."

Love, the most intoxicating suffering I've ever known.

I'm pretty sure the school needs more windows
Because it's entirely possible to go
For a day between thanksgiving and Valentine's
And never once, in your classes, even realize
That the sun orbits above our globe

Catastrophism
It's the little things you say, not to to me but to the wind
It's the way you don't say much to me at all
I am a screaming alarm
Flashing lights and frightening myself
If my voice sounds mechanical enough when it says i am cursed, unlovable, easily abandoned
I will forget it's my own and I will listen to it
I will take the words to heart and the voice will begin to sound like yours
I will fill in the silence
I will search for something, anything to prove the voice wrong
"I'm afraid I'm losing you and I don't know what I did"
"I should have held you closer but I'm afraid of my own strength and now it's too late"
I don't have the words to say what I need to say so in the end I say
"Hey, are we like, okay?"

i remember thinking you were beautiful
(you have always been)

i was so in love with you back then

(and sometimes the memories are tinted with questions)

you gave me a soft white jacket and i wore it every day so i wouldn't feel alone

when you broke me i threw that necklace into the street by our corner and i regret it to this day

i think i'd still wear it if i still had it

i'm terrified of forgetting and i'm terrified of letting go because i'm terrified that this will always have been the best time of my life
and i don't want to lose it
and i don't want to lose you

i think i'll always love you a little bit

i think my life would be much better if you were still a part of it

i still daydream
about running away
and having adventures
and never growing up