All the times you felt invisible
because you thought nobody
cared about you.  

Do you wonder if you have
ever made someone in your life
feel the same way?

Gave up asking
how they were doing,
if they were really okay,
just because you always got the same answer.  

Kept silent in the face of silence.
Let them push you away.
Made little effort to
nudge the truth
out of their reticence.

Pain can make you
quite blind;
rather oblivious to the
same feelings in others.

Tunnel vision of the soul.

I don’t say I’m fine anymore; I don’t lie.
I rely instead on my dexterous deflection
of courteous concern. I have become sly;
Let’s talk about you – our shared predilection.
It is mutually beneficial – my deception.

One-click shopping,
instant payment –  
so convenient;
so ******* easy
to cross over
from being a shopper
to a low-key hoarder.

I don’t buy expensive stuff.
No, nothing excessive.

Just read about a new book,
must-read of the season,
rave reviews on Goodreads.
Available on Amazon?
Yes, it also has a Kindle version.
(See,
even though there is no comparison
between the warmth of a paperback
and the cool efficiency of e-books,
I prefer my Kindle simply because  
it’s easier to carry multiple books.)
So I click – buy – get it.
Now it sits
in merry company  
of all the books I bought
so ******* conveniently
while I keep rereading the books
I’ve already read.  

Don’t get me started  
on my obsession with stationery.
Is there any feeling better
than writing on blank paper?
Seeing your busy thoughts
fall in neat lines,
march in formation,
until they reveal the idea underneath.
I keep browsing through the section
of notebooks, journals, diaries,
pencils, pens – oh, there are so many kinds!
I click – buy – get it.
A moment of ecstasy
when the I get the delivery
even though I mostly jot down
any sudden flash of inspiration  
on my phone because it’s always handy.

Getting bigger?  
Get larger jeans.
No need to stand trial  
before judgemental eyes
of the “helpful” salesperson.
Sidestep the self-esteem crisis,
just click – buy – get it.
Easy return policy;
quick refund if it does not fit.

Idly scrolling on social media
and I’m bombarded
with some choice targeted marketing.
How can I refuse
such a customised bait?
Hook, line, click on the link –
there – it’s not that expensive,
nothing too excessive.
I’ll buy that yellow dress,
those cute strappy sandals,
the quirky socks,
ooh a new mascara!
Wear the dress once and chuck it aside,
then go back to cycle the same five outfits.
Put on the mascara,
bat my eyes in jubilation,
then banish it to the drawer
because it gets on my contacts
and causes irritation.

I can go on and on and wax poetic
about the wonders of window-shopping
from the comfort of my couch.
I swear it’s such a great feeling
coming home to find my package waiting.

I do what I want
I want to do everything
Everything that pleases me
Everything I can try
Try to taste every flavour of ice cream
Try to howl at the moon unabashedly
Unabashedly moonwalk in front of someone
Unabashedly confess to my longtime crush
Crush my reluctance to smithereens
Crush it like a boss every single time
Time to be my own hero
Time to see how far I can go
Go one step further than yesterday
Go to sleep when I need some rest
Rest easy till I can recuperate
Rest but never ever quit
Quit being so ******* myself
Quit taking failure so personally
Personally go to places I only see in pictures
Personally meet old friends I only text
Text first without any ego
Text my family more frequently
Frequently feel the wind blow through my hair
Frequently let the morning sun warm my face
Face rough times with dignity
Face myself in the mirror with sincerity
Sincerity in all my relationships
Sincerity in everything I do
Do that chore now instead of later
Do some yoga and drink more water
Water the plants
Water them twice in hot weather
Weather life’s big roller-coaster
Weather rough days with a smile
Smile as I take my first sip of coffee
Smile when I hear the birds sing
Sing off-key in the shower
Sing sad songs to feel better
Better to be alone than to be lonely
Better to feel sad than nothing at all
All I want is to be true to myself
All I need is freedom
Freedom to live as I please
Freedom of independent thought
Thought I had life figured out
Thought I found the secret to happiness
Happiness is a choice
Happiness is personal
Personal…
Choice…

It registers as soon as I open the door,
a keen foreboding feeling.
An unfamiliarity never felt before
sends my senses reeling.

This is my home, my haven sweet;
yet today it does not belong to me.
I exhale and follow my tentative feet
while I repress the urge to flee.

I feign bravado by humming as I
go check every room casually.
I get more comfortable by and by –
the eeriness wanes thankfully.