So many years ago, I packed away my childhood, each year was placed neatly in a box, labeled and sealed shut with packing tape. And I took those boxes full of memories; memories full of pain, fear, sadness, abuse…and I placed them in the far back corner of the attic of my mind. I made the boxes diminutive and negligible, they were nothing special and I tried to forget they were there. I did this so I could get through each day without the painful reminder of who I used to be, what I used to be, what he did to me. I did this so I could live.

I knew the boxes were there, and I would go into the attic and check on the boxes…just to make sure the packing tape that held all the contents, all the filth and the same, was still secure, that nothing I was unable to face could escape. At times the tape would peal back, allowing the contents of the boxes to peak through the cracks, and I could see things so horrible I would be physically sick. The contents in the boxes would taunt me, beg me to look inside, to admit that they existed, and I would have to hurry and close the door to resist them. I resisted the temptation so I could live. So I could protect myself, and those I loved, from who I used to be, what I used to be, what he did to me.

I knew that eventually I would have to unpack those boxes, and put them away, where they belonged. And at times I tried to do it – but the contents were so rotten, so ***** and shameful, I couldn’t put them out for anyone to see. And I denied that they belonged to me. I denied them so I could live. So I could protect myself, and those I loved, from who I used to be, what I used to be, what he did to me.

Panic grew inside of me as the pain leaked out of the aged boxes, pain that was always there, but like the sound of my own heart beating, I no longer noticed it. It just was. And then the pain became overwhelming, loud and intrusive, I could hear screaming and crying, and noises that did not sound human , an animal in pain, I thought. I closed my eyes and put my hands over my ears but the screaming didn’t stop. It would not stop. I could no longer deny them. I could no longer protect myself. I could no longer deny who I used to be, what I used to be, what he did to me.

Now, today, all these years later…these boxes that represent ME. And as I look around me, at the pain, and the shame, and the sadness, I not only see what these boxes held, I feel it…I hear it…I taste it…I breathe it. My vision is blurred from my tears…spilling over, some streaming down cheeks; others poised on the edges of my eyelashes, awaiting their turn to fall...right into the content of those boxes filled with my pain. Her pain. The pain of a little girl, abused and broken, unloved and unheard…

I can hear her screaming and crying. I can feel her pain…it is real. And I can feel it, and I can hear it, and I can taste it…I breathe it.

And I can no longer deny who I used to be, what I used to be, what he did to me.

Santa and his reindeer decided not to fly
A new experience being the Hound Bus ride
The idea of Santa and the reindeer bringing in the Greyhound Christmas cheer
With the help of Greyhound in preserving in having no fear
The Greyhound bus being your Christmas travel ride
It’s the added comfort and Wi Fi that Greyhound will provide
The thought of leather seats and Wi Fi
This is added plus in encouraging Santa, Reindeers and first time passengers in giving Greyhound a try
The reindeers are not asking the question of why
It’s the 24/7 Greyhound rolling through the holiday season
It’s all for a good reason
The easiest transportation mode
Bus travel perks of behold
It’s all holiday cheer
Don’t wait as Christmas is almost near
Santa won’t have to do all the work on Christmas Eve
It’s Greyhound bringing the gift of travel in what passengers will receive
You can call the Hound bus, “Santa’s new ride in stride”
Santa knows Greyhound best
Even the Reindeer don’t settle for less
But through it all, even the passengers can confess
Santa and the Hound Bus have teamed up in drive
“Greyhound with your headlights so bright, can I ride with you on the Highway tonight”
Dash away was the Greyhound bus
Happy Holidays from Leave the Driving to us.

On the fourth floor of the brick wall barricade,
We stood at the window watching the rain,
I felt calm watching water drop suicide;
I thought how it'd be nice to die by your side.
My mind breached every professional boundary,
but my mouth remained closed,
looking back it was obvious-- they should've let me go.

I stayed with you on the worst days,
when you couldn't pick your head up from the bed.
Instead of encouraging movement and intervention,
I just sat there, right or wrong, and tried to follow what you said.

I wasn't born akward
I became this way
Somehow

I do not know
What to do now

Progress--
I experienced some

Feeling Akward
Is not too fun

At least its not major
I guess

But I am trying
For a ****** balance
And harmony
In life this test

My left back and shoulder
Feel as though
They exist
A bit to
The left of me

My head
Not in the direct middle
Not where it should be

No use to cry
Or to ask why

I would like
Some rhubarb pie

Throwing water in your face;
      Making sure it smothers you out.
I’m dying to get out of here,
      But you just won’t let go.
Whatever flame that we had;
      Has been doused in water.
The match has burnt out.
      Just march away from the ashes.
Let us both find someone else
      To light a flame in our hearts.
Let that one burn as well;
      Until you have more ashes in your pile.
And maybe one day you’ll find;
      That everlasting fire in your soul.
But baby I’m out of gasoline;
      And I don’t have any other fuel.
Go find someone with infinite coal.
      Someone who will keep you warm in the snow.
I am just a caretaker passing through;
      And now that I’ve earned my pay;
I’m done with you.

China blue evensong
white egg moon, birds nest night
frost gilt grass shivers.